you realized you were in love...


1. when you hate the person.
2. when you feel suffocated if there are questions u wan answers to, but would never ask.
3. when you think of spending the rest of your life with that person.
4. when time and time again after being hurt, u come back for more.



~until now. i still think of you.
PS. forgive me.

another year fleetingly past...
now time for the end of the financial year...and the end of our bz period here.

QA administrator...thats what my present job title entitles.
until now, i wonder if this scope and industry suits me or not.
still my interest lies in media and marketing, as well as HR/ PR.

looking back on the 4half years i wilted my time over here...it hasnt been a breeze emotionally but a thoroughly fabulous experience.
In david's words...AweEEeSome...

got to meet the most fantastic people...made life long friends whom i hold in great respect. You guys are certainly the strongest bunch i have ever met.

Sometimes i wonder, if i'm just over sensitive in stuff. trying my best to lighten up, and for peeps who knew me when i was a kiddie...you would go, woh...she's really not as sulky, not as depressing, not as pouty as i rem her to be...

i've learnt several lessons in life:

1. one cannot live without love, or carry on without...you can try to make it come back but there is a limit.
2. one must adapt to circumstances...if they change, go with the flow and survive the best you can.
3. even when things are down, there are always 2 hopes you can fall back on. your faith in god, and your faith in yourself.
4. True love comes when you least expect it...really.

thinking of my plans and steps for the future.
mom and dad feels i should stay here in melb, but i know deep in my heart that would be the most logical choice.
however, i desire to be back in sg, start a career and hopefully get into my much desired media and com field...
to be able to write freely...although that might not be true, would be the greatest thing that could happen to me. whether i get allowance or a salary it doesnt matter.

anyway, andry should be visiting sooN! ...that little piggy has flown to sydney for the longest time and forgotten bout his da jie. You whom i've spent countless time counselling...hope your doing better my little bro.

and...been on a shopping spree... which is totally bad. considering that i dont really consider whether its a need... but got my lovely loopies again. heidi picked them out for me. she's da gf of a close fren of mine...

wish i was back in sg ...then i can get to drink all the sugar cane juice and eat all the sambal sting ray iwan...instead of asking someone to eat for me...
Jealous >.<

The Wanderful Princess Mm: Cruzied Mean-andering Full of a Womb-man


things that come naturally where others don't....

Mm.

A loving name coined by some of my closest friends.
but frens do drift, and to you guys I've outlived my importance for now....

Things even you never knew bout Mm... aka "the princess is speaking":

1. I get bored easily...almost ADD in nature...."sorry wat did you say again"?

2. Frends made are frends to keep...even if we just met, the moment we smiled, we were meant to be.

3. My bestie, is my closest fren not by default but becos you have become the most impt person in my life despite the distance and not talking to you a year on end...

4. Feelings.... fuelled solely on them. Driven and motivated in many ways.

5. Secret kleptomanic. tiny little glitter stuff thats for the birds...
- stole as a kiddy frm the bookstore...never caught...
-like shiny things...but not too shiny...
-horder...never give up little stuff that means nothing to anyone, but everything to me.

6. Generally on a happy spree...living day by day. Dislike being nagged at, but would try to please.

7. Wants a dog but falling in love with kitty... a lover for animals. (NOT insects)
- when young was bitten on the face by a cat, lied to mom that it was a fall...had to undergo a life-changing butt injecting experience.
- bitten by my bro's pet silky on the 3rd finger.... up yours Maxie!

8. Just want to travel and explore places with beautiful sceneries... climb, shimmey, laugh and roll....watever it takes.
- where I met my bf. On a mountain, on the way down (falling down), when a guy caught my hand (dont be mistaken) and another imp of a man screamed "DAMN IT! let her go!!...
-had the greatest of laughs when there was ABSOLUTELY nothing but barren sand and billowing puffed up clouds that promised never to rain...
-watched a kanga jump and bashed into a fren's car... and her little joey flung out and smashed to the grd. both died...not instantly, but eventually.

9. Spontaneous and crazed....
- can pack in under a few hrs...but a perpetual mess. Anytime anywhere...just pack and go.


10. New Things...Dislike redundant things... calculation, starring at numbers, repetitive stuff...
- want to be a writer, creative drawer, a what-not fashion crazed guru (eccentric not mainstream), music composer F-T...
-attracted to colour and sound...anything brilliant and vibrant. Just like a magpie is to silver...


= Overall...very uninteresting but will do anything for ya, if your impt!

time passes when your having fun...
been the most relaxed, uncaring months these days...

work has sped up and i have coped, survived and lived to tell the tales of ghosts and gales...

now, to get back on the highway.
packed my bags and out i'ii go....

back to the sunny isles of singapore.
wish i could go... M... miss you babe...

dunno how fast time flies... ya still alwaz here in my mind ah.
so dun worry, i'm not too far, if there's any prob, you could alwas call me.
missing singapore terribly, but i seem to have fallen for melbourne too.

The luxury of being all alone, and yet not alone.
meeting friends and un-meeting friends whom i have not seen in the longest time.
loving to hate life that seems marvellously horrid at first...
all working out in the end for the best.

Gorgeous as the days might be,
sometimes being a push over is horrible.
getting remarks like, your tooOOoo naive...
how can you believe that!?...

hope hope hope hope that things would change.
better job prospects, if not learn more from my job.



Love life, live life. choose life.

Expectations...
Fulfilment...
the future...

the easter camp came and went as quick as the easter bunny would have hidden his eggs.

day 1:

Had an easter egg given to me, that was boiled and soaked (i believe) in colored egg (its a real egg), where being the hungry me who craved for food esp when i wake... i ate it, and ended up with blue fingers, a blue mouth, a blue tongue, and blue intestines....

Proceeded on in the bus (sat alone...til i dragged lio and cal over) happily lalala-ing~ away.
Armed with a guitar (used to belong to me, but cal decided he wanted to keep it, as he felt a connection ...talk bout inanimate relationships...) and limited scores, we sang and annoyed the driver to no end.

Reached the camp site, and was thrusted into an unfamiliar yet common surrounding, which...come to think of it, would be the 4-5 time in just over 3 years.

Queued up and waited for our names to be called, although the limit they set was from A-F and N-Z. (wat the...i'm an M)... shuffled and pushed from one queue to another...until we were registered!

Had the luxury of a 4 bunk room, instead of the 20-20-20 rooms with 3 by 3 bathrooms...i felt i was in heaven....

Left the campsite briefly, (ONLY due to circumstances, as we were warned in our "camp passports" that it was STRICTLY frowned upon if you went out of camp, or into the sea... which had many many many jellyfish....talk bout swimming with the enemy...)

DAY2:

activities started!
games and more games....
it was emaculately fun ^-^ esp when we did our cheers, right guys???!!

1. 2. 3.

YOUR SO FAT!
SO WAT?
SO FAT?
SO WAT?
SOOOOOSOOOOOO oFATTTT!!!

* note we're not being spastic, but...our team was called Sophat square.


DAY 3-4: simple summary...

lots of praise and worship lots of programs lots of food lots of washing up lots of packing lots of friends....

but, i kind of fell into a slumber-like state, feeling almost depressed.
Maybe cos i knew everyone was leaving and hated to part with friends.
Maybe cos what i initially set out to established was some how lost along the way.


Yet, i know that even if my faith doesnt hold, even if i occasionally stray far far far away...
he would love me unconditionally, as i love him too.

In my father's name. I hold you in my praises.

with life comes challenges,
with challenges comes intent.
with intent comes love,
with love comes devotion.

Just back from my easter camp trip and well, i'm still tripping on under-sleep and over-eating.
For once, a camp that had plentiful food and much much more. thanks to my CG who had an endless supply of food.

One thing i've gained during that time is a little verse...

Psalm 28:

"to you, O lord, I call;
my rock be not deaf to me,
lest , if you be silent to me,
i become like those who go down the pit.
....

Blessed be the lord!...my strength and shield;
in him my heart trusts, and i am helped;
my heart exults,
and with my song i give thanks to him."

fell....into a thorn bush. not sure if its poisonous or not but my wounds are swollen and painful.
hate....liars and ex-lovers.
reprise....myself for being silly and naive in many many many thing.
love....the people who stay by myside when i'm all alone.
unable....to stand on my two feet when everything seem too bleary
strength.....with devotion to what i strongly believe in
forgive....me father, for i've not been there
here....if you can see me

Life goes on and on and on. Cyclical and redundant. gotten myself into alot of mess.
maybe things will clear up soon.
spending money faster then i can earn it.
^-^
lots of Lovely clothes.
gotten into that O' so feminine mode.

Love those dresses that has laces and are corset like.
Looking after my friend's pup and baby kitten.

New Year Resolution:
to not give up so easily over matters i hold close to heart
to be happy all and by myself
to make more friends -_- as its habitual for me to shy away.
to speak up when i'm not happy -_- another big obstacle.

LAstly! to love all the things that make me happy!! my art, jewellery-making, cakes....
OOoOHhhh there's cheese cake in the fridge...
Home-made ^-^

A copy of my performance.
Cheers to you guys who came to watch.
My loves ^-^ L and G.
You guys rock my world.
Soooo happy everyone came up to tell me i was good.
and the place is so funky... "the playroom".
Stand up comedy...Russell Peters, you are all it!
But then again,
it was a good experience, everyone loved it and came to
slap me across my back. Happy that disregarding my
Asian Asian Na Na crap in my script...
it worked.
Beautifully. ^-^

Reminds me of the fundraiser gig i did.
So nervous on stage, but cassie and paul ...you dears.
All my nerves held and even though it was chinese/eng
popish crap in front of a white audience who was waiting
for the ultimate show rock bands...i applaud you guys
for applauding me.
and the thumbs up from tt cute caucasian guy, "your good,
sweetie..." made my dae.
*blush*

anyway. read my crappy script. it wld be better if i read it.
Hope to have another chance soon to do this in person.

Oh! and we're going to set up a bistro/cafe!
Although i'm the hard labor partner, and Fay's the money
mommie...i hope things work out
Our art cafe. Fusion Fix-cafe.
^-^ hope pple wld appreciate our art.




***

Voice Over:

Sings: Rainbow connection song

Why are there so many…songs about rainbows?

What’s on the other side?

Rainbows are visions, but only illusions…

And rainbows have nothing to hide…

Let me tell you a story. Long long time ago, there lived a little girl. She was placed under a spell and could only say things that people wanted to hear.

“Even when burnt your cooking still is the best!” (pinches nose while speaking)… “That mole on your forehead means your lucky” (twists imaginary mole on face and nods as if in deep thought)… “Your hair is beautiful even with streaks of yellowish green and purple.” (furrows eyebrows).

Sometimes she would cry to herself and think; maybe this is how life should be. One day, she thought aloud that she would rather pull out her hair then face another superficial person. The people in the streets stopped and stared. She had freed herself. The witch cried, but everybody just wants to hear nice things. It is expected (Shrill voice). The girl replied. I am but me.

***

*comes down from the top of chair, sits normally, but in the most ugly posture. Legs wide open and pushes so that chair rocks to and fro

Have you seen this girl? I saw her yesterday. The same black hair, yellow skin, brown eyes. Yet, she’s white. Inside and out. She, I, we… are one and the same.

***

*clears throat: sits down quietly with legs apart.

Hi, How are you today? (Sweet voice, a little pitchy in sound).

(Soft, unassuming, almost shy in texture).–In Chinese

(gentle, yet confident in nature). – In Cantonese

***

I had a voice. Sweet…(drags voice tenderly), soft… (lowers voice), gentle… (smoothes out voice), squeaky… (squeak like texture) and vulnerable (breathless quality) in places.

A voice that spoke of tender loving care (glassy look in eyes). One of fiery passion (brings fist up, clenched stance) that ran through my veins where a pulsing heart bled often for soap operas.

I was a die hard romantic. Loving everything a woman could possibly love. Men, children, friends. High tea, cleaning, gossiping….

I had the voice of a woman (strong voice that fades away slowly). Now it seems my voice has broken...

***

(Walks to the front of stage, almost as if to reveal a big secret).

Let me tell you this. Not many people know about our little secret but…We (pause pensively), Asians (spoken slowly with eyebrows raised) are actually a tightwad bunch (speed up as if for fear the secret might be leaked out to unsavoury sources, finger raised in a gesture of partially covering mouth). We have rules that you don’t know about. We call them family obligations. I call them the irrefutable Asian Traditional Commandments.

1. Never talk when your father, uncle, brother or husband does not require your input.

2. Women rank third in a family. One being the man, two being the family pet.

3. Men who are rich should be considered solely because they would make good providers. More importantly, they are rich. Most parents would love to have their children happily married off in return for a fat wad of money. However, this would never replace their love. Only make their loss a bit more bearable.

4. Love is never fair. Some of us have more then jealousy to cry over. We have Real Problems (emphasis on the R and P initials). Namely arranged marriages and domestic violence that we can’t speak of due to family reputation.

5. Walk freely under ladders and in front of a black cat. Ladders are inanimate and cats would only scratch the living hell out of you. Of course, be very afraid if the ladder or the cat decides to jump over the coffin of your loved one. That’s Chinese superstition for you (Clicks Tongue).

6. Adultery is fine if you’re a man. Your wife will only cry and return with additional sympathy for the fallibility of man and lust. If you’re a woman, you’ll be given the sack without repent. But be thankful that these are modern times; if not you would have to hang yourself to preserve... Pause Your husband’s family honour.

7. Chivalry remains. Men still open doors for women, who are carrying their children or the grocery. Man still help out with the housework. By lifting his feet up when she’s cleaning nearby (swiftly lift one foot off ground). Man also assists in the kitchen. Mostly in encouragement as he bellows out, “Where’s my dinner? I told you I want it at 6pm sharp. Don’t make me go there…”

8. An Asian wife could potentially be a good singer or debater. She could convince you solely by dragging the sound of words. This would be extremely good when bargaining or for getting out of trouble. Noooo laaaa…(Word is dragged for dramatic irony) means you are wrong and I am right. Yaaaaa Laaa…I’m not listening to what you’re saying, but I’II pretend that I am. Okkkkay laaa…I’II do what you say but I still think I am right.

9. Asian women are fortunate. They just have to follow what they are told. Don’t need to be too clever, men don’t like to be challenged, at least not out of the bedroom. Don’t need to be too pretty; men don’t like other men coveting after their wives. Only they have the right to do that.

10. Never trust what a woman says, be she your mom, sister, lover or me.

***

Mom and expectations (matter of fact tone).

Its’ an Asian thing (with a sweeping gesture of the hair, as if to sweep the idea aside).

*Mom’s voice, tainted with her usual Singlish accent. Hands on hips, finger wagging in disapproval

“Aiyoh. Ling ah, Dunnn follow your brother. Like a tomboy. Why can’t you be like your sister. Sooo Ladylike. Cross your legs! (insistent voice). Girls with legs opened like that will grow up to be very naughty…”(voice drifts away).

*cocks head to one side, eyebrows furrowed together

“ Girl ah. Dunnnn play with your brother’s toy! (emphasize on the Don’t. Drag the sound. Harsh yet concerned voice) Why cant you play with your barbie. Not toy soldiers!?” (appears to be deep in thought while taking a deep breath). I twisted his little arm off and nodded a crooked smile.

*Awkward silence as actor eyeballs the audience through the semi darkness

She could go on and on and on (slow down and drag the Ons). Don’t do this, don’t do that. ! Don’t talk with your mouth open. . (Scrunches mouth up in a defiant gesture before allowing it to fade into a blank stare). I gave in. I became me. A me I didn’t know, didn’t care for. One who ate, sat, slept on its on accord. Mom was proud (drags voice).

“yarrrr”, she would tell the relatives.

“She is sooooo obedient…no la no la. Not taught by me. Natural for her. Yarrrr. Now easier to find her a good husband”.

***

Husbands and love (pensive voice, almost as if trying to decide whether to buy something - quizzical tone) Love of self, him, her, me. Who? (Quickly spoken. As if confused by choices. Emphasize on Who).

I want love… (emphasize on last few words as if to take an order. Authoritative)… (words spoken quickly in succession) Fluffy, romantic. Passionate, fiery. Tragic, all-consuming (to feel as if the ideas are overwhelming).

Mom says if I turn twenty-eight without a man in sight, she would match-make. A better way of saying, I’II arrange a man because you’re stubborn, unladylike and Unwanted…(voice drifts away) According to her, my shelf life is up and my life, half over. I just turned twenty-three.

Relationships should not be a battle (voice becomes low and scruffy sounding). Ready, Steady, Go (voice of Referee). FIGHT! Scream! Round 1. You what! Down (gestures with hand, pointing towards the floor). 3, 2, 1... I, You, Her, What?! (quickly spoken, voiced raised in exasperation). (With excitement. Hand waving up and down swiftly).... Bing! I want a divorce… and that shirt off your back (pronounced venomously, slowly).

Woke up today, flopped over and grabbed the untouched bedspread I tucked and kissed goodnight. Its soft silkiness that cooled my touch (a tinge of sadness in voice). A person to cuddle and warm my feet against. A feeling of toastiness. No one who loves the 2-faced freak and ugly child. No little freak to kiss my monstrosity to sleep. No?

Maybe mom’s right (resigned tone). Love may never come into the equation (spoken quickly, as if calculating like a mathematician). Input might not be output. Therefore to cut potential losses, I’II look for profits. A rich husband (points with finger at audience and smile wryly). Latch myself on him and get true love when I’m rich! (as if giving a how-to-get-rich-quick lecture) I can be as manly or wild as I want, when I have that 24-carat diamond stuck to my fingers (wiggles fingers frantically as if to display a ring). If mom didn’t need love, grandma didn’t need love, why should I? (almost cunning thought, spoken slyly).

In fact, why don’t we do as old, and reach for a club and smack your love over the head (swinging motion with fist).

Women! Let your hair down. Men! Drag her back to your cave. Of course, in reality, life is much more complex. You could be sued for sexual harassment and be put into your 2-by-4 cave.

***

*smiles and make to sit back down abruptly, still staring at audience

People people people. Look at you…fat, short, skinny, tall, pretty and… Plainly_ Average (spoken quickly in succession, deliberates and points to self at Plainly_average. Slowly spoken, letting the words roll slowly over tongue). But all of us, share two things. Heritage and television. My heritage (emphasizes on words and points at self) comes in a all-you-need to know lecture form (almost exasperated sigh). My mom.

As I grew up (soft lecture like voice, as if teaching one’s children about the birds and the bees), mom was replaced by the teacher I spent the most time with, the TV. (drag voice, as if sharing a mutual secret with the audience – as if “you know what I mean, Wink Wink”). TV taught me what mom wouldn’t… undesirable knowledge like the birds and the bees, and women who spoke too loudly about divorce and rights (whisper-like voice, as if sharing a dirty secret).

Lessons with mom… (story-telling voice) came in whiffs of no, yes, , _____________, you mustn’t.

As an Asian girl (spoken quickly, as if to saying something patriotic and heartwarming – like the national anthem), I have to be respectable and demure. If not, people would say ______________, where my family didn’t teach me well (disgruntled kind of voice). As an Asian girl, I have to understand my place (softer tone, almost lamenting). To be devoted at home. Never laugh aloud in public (words pronounced slowly, venomously. Almost with hatred, loud then soft). Respectable and demure (strongly spoken, but slowly. Fades away).

But, I need to step out. Out of my shell, my comfort, my box of expectations. To shed the clothes that bind my soul (takes off coat). To be rid of the 6-inch shoes of old that cripple my feet (makes a kicking motion of feet).

My tongue is part of my voice. My voice is part of my body. My body is part of my life. I no longer have to hold my tongue. Sweeten my voice (soften voice). Give my body (stretch hand out in gesture of giving). Forsake my life (stares at audience momentarily).

I speak my mind as I see fit (excitement in voice, building). I wear as much or as little as the weather allows. I jump up and down without blushing, climb trees and mountains, swim in seas and journey into the unknown (joyous look upon face, as if imagining every single detail). The taste of sweetness (deep breath). Free, freedom, Freed.

* Makes a faint attempt to curtsy and stare defiantly.

another day out lived and faded as quickly as they came. Somehow things been running around me, and yet i never seem to have time to do anything properly. Friendships, would-be-relationships, homework, life in general. Yadayada. all seems rubbish at this point in time.
Time to prioritize what i want exactly.
Yet, i cant return back to singapore anywhere soon, just because i have to get PR in order to stay in mellyland.
What's so great about here?
been wondering that for the past 3/1/2 years, and i can safely say, its because it feels like home now.
Yah. here's my home, because of the time and the laughter and the sadness all spent out here.
My friends, love and hate, all lived out down under.

Although i must say that sometimes i dun seem to fit in, culturally that would be, where you would have to reiterate what you just said because people cant understand your accent, but most of the time i simply love it here.
Besides the fact that in singapore, i have my 24-7 chee chong fan, chicken rice, roti prata with sugar and curry...OooOOoo yes, i do believe maybe i would like to settle here.
Been to Sydney over the last week i think, was kinda broke as usual but it went well. Turned out to be an eating expedition rather then the climbing and trekking ones i fancy. But we ate at the Rocks' Pancake parlour (Yumm!) they had savoury and sweet pancakes, which were so gorgeous, (although when i got back i had to work extra harder in the gym) but... apparently the choco pancakes were actually using cake mix to create that fluffy thickness, topped off with the beautiful blueberry sauce and home-made icecream, this was a treat.

Then on we went to Bills cafe, where the upside down pancake with pear...was YUM. as well as the corn fritters. should really get some photos up, prob on friendster. But, the corn fritters were like baked patty cakes that were crispy and yet not so sickeningly sweet. and the pear....
ok ok . given my track record for only eating one meal aday, i was surprised that i could actually stomach everything, probably cause we were walking all over the place, and we got up at 11am (or rather i did, for a suntan at the swimming pool below our hotel). The trip was pretty much fulfilled i reckon.

The last dining place that struck me as gorgeous was kylie kuangs. Not that i'm a fan of her tv show, although S insists her mom would be so jealous noeing that her daughter has eaten there. But, boy is the restaurant DUA PAI. we actually went back twice, after missing the first nite's dining experience due to sheer lateness ( 8pm was considered too late, and a no-no to be seated....last serves were at 9+ and...the rest was history). The next night, we were there by 7pm, and were told, dinner seats would prob be available at 8.30.... So off we hauled to a pub, where...check this out, i used S's IC cause i didnt possess a driving license and she used her driver's permit to enter. It was hilarious, and i'm no excitement seeker but that was one intense moment.

Bouncer: 'Cuse me, let me see some ID.
Me: (mutters) Sure. [glances at S and K nervously]
Bouncer: Hm.....Hmm... [looks at the rest, especially eyeballing S]
Me: (under my breathe) Die Die Die...
Bouncer: Hm...looks like you've grown your hair long.

Simplicity in a nutshell. I swear i had brought my IC, only prob was cause of our dressing for the night out later, i hadnt brought my wallet, only my little itty bitty pouch. o.O
But...the guys got hung on this cute guy behind the bar, while i spent my time gazing through the cocktail menus. There was this drink that struck me as exotic. it was something blush...but it had squashed lemons, lime and strawberries inside, topped with vodka i think.
that was a girly drink, and it looked really pretty. but all things aside, when we went back after the one half hr wait, ...we waited half more. Just because, and only because they didnt have enough seats.

Reputation wise, i'ii give the place 100% for being solid bout not admiting people.
Service wise another 100% for trying at least to meet the clients needs and the weird salad for their apologizes.
Food wise...100%, because i was Soo hungry, i couldnt really tell how wonderful the food were, only that the san choy bao (lettuce wrapped mushroom minced meat thingy ) was gorgeous and so was the tangerine duck.

Other then these...its 0% for their Dua Pai ness.... Really really Dua Pai.
But thats what a business can do and what it will.
Eventually i'ii set up my own little cafe. One can only be hopeful at this point.


~Someday we will be who we desire to be.~
*the bluest cloud is you - album by Mariel.W (in the works)*

just been wondering lately. things never seem to go right as and when you want it to go in that particular direction.
feeling a little lost in every sense of the word. almost floating over air...
maybe its time to just live alone and not be so deliberate about things i'ii lose, things i could possibly regret.
just do it, as always it should be.
one thing i never understand is why people can be so emotionless.
towards things of passion, words of love, faces of desire and allure.
everyday just passes with nothing much to do, or nothing you would want to say to each other.
things just go pass.

having this wonderful class called writing for performance which i had mistaken taken.
initially thought it to be a scripted class for the theatric-learner, it turned out to be much much more like acting class.
although i have to say my teacher knows nuts to start with, and we watch weird shows of nothing but a blackened mouth sprouting nonsense on tv...well. thats the way our subject goes.
besides i have but 2 days a week.
wat am i complaining about.

An email i came across, that was sent by a sg friend whom i hadnt talked for ages, or met...
things do change, and i've grown alot over the years, as i'm sure she did,
but this email touched a chord in my heart, that at the end of the day, regardless of whatever trials we go through, love will conquer it all. that maybe the person beside you is the one, but you never noticed...the sad truth of it all. things you dont treasure might actually give you the most fulfilment.

(its lengthy, but it made me cry)...

==

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped
in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out
of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then
plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid,
I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were
steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a
civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost
at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was
more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from
behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was
the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs. Her
words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife
said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.
Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my
wife. But I couldn t help doing so.

I moved Dew s hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture,
O.K.? I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was
unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the
moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used
to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter
how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly,
she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was
sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched
TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew s
body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what
will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word.
Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from
her. I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was
serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the
staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide
something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She
gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live
together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve got something
to tell you, I said.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly.

She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly, why? . I m serious. I avoided her question. This so-called
answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at
me, you are not a man!

At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she
wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly
give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She
glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart.
The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger
one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected
to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of
divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and
clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her
writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I
found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything from me,
but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in
the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was
simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she
didn t want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do
you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?
This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me.
I nodded and said, I remember . You carried me in your arms , she
continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your
arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you
must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished
to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face
the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made
me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when
I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son
clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought
me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the
door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes
and said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell our son. I nodded,
feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to
wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse.
I realized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a
long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine
wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside garden is being
demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were
still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The
visualization of Dew became vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as,
where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc.
I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.

I didn t tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried
quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, All my
dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was
because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because
I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart.
Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to
touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it s time to carry mum out. He said.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential
part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him
tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at
the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom,
through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck
softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our
wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.
Our son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope you will hold me
in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn t notice that our life
was lack of such intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid
any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew
opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I m
serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no
fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can
only say sorry to you, I won t divorce. My marriage life was boring
probably because she and I didn t value the details of life, not because
we didn t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I
carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to
hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed
the door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the
office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my
wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the
greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I'll carry you out every morning until we are old...

***

Sweet. wish i could say the same. i'ii be there for you always.

another dae washes over.
tmw...rather todae.
i have the start of my 3 days internship.
pathetic...

dun feel like going.
its 2am,
i'm having an incredibly horrid stomach rebellion. prob stomach flu.
and, its been like this for a few days.
today...we did 2 movies.
the best shows i've watched in ages.

1. The assassination of Richard nixon...

Sean Penn...he is and always have been one of my fav actors, besides johnny depp that is.
brilliant in the portrayal of a mentally disturbed individual who refuses to lie or do anything that would constitute a lie.
in fact, he concludes, life is a big fat lie, and only the liars become the toppers.
the others, like him, remain at the pits,
trampled and spat upon. that all our rights are taken away,
that even being white (in his context, for i'm technically yellow),
he was effectively black. (no offense, but ttz wat he said).
and he actually suggested that the whites and blacks should work together,
to gather support against the rich, white, cadillac driving bastards of society,
and together, they would be called...the Zebras.

sounds almost time for a michael jackson's song *i'm black...i'm white...it doesnt matter if i'm black or white*~

but one thing i dun get.
his character, samuel Bikes (not sure if spelt it correct, but i caught the Bike- pronounced as Biggs...- from the tyre company his bro owned).
i reckon his jew cause i thought his bro was wearing the jewish cap.

yar...back to the thing i didnt get.
why, if in his words that we as people should never let another talk down to us, to belittle us,
savagely shoot and kill the airport pple?
and, he wrote to leonardo bernstein, who i believe is an orchestra conductor,
narrating and relating the reasons for his attempted assassination, which ended in a hijacked plane...
why, why, would he harm people if he was brought up on the belief that lying, and being belittled for his achievements was bad?

S says its cause of his state of mind, well... i guess i could give him credit for that.
but between you and me.
hurting others, killing others, does not constitute in a god given right.
deliberately taking away another's life by force is down right unforgiveable.

still remember the chilling scene of him pointing the gun at the guy with the car leak, and then at his friend bonny (again, not too sure bout the name).
and the other one, pointed at the groin of his ex boss under the table.
maybe, maybe...when a man reaches rock bottom, with separated wife, becoming Divorced wife...
no kids... (AND he shot the dog -_- Sobz...WHY?)
bro disowns him ...
no job. rejected for loan...all climaxed to his grand finale.
Just so that he would be remembered in future.

But sadly, even at the end,
the people important to him simply walked past the tv,
past the news of him hijacking and being killed in the process...
past the last heroic gesture of defiance against the world.

*we are but grains of sand...*
i do so agree.

the second movie...wow...how can i say? it was SUPER disjointed, but still a rather enjoyable ride.
2. Wong ka wai's 2046.

it was suppose to be a movie within a movie, i reckon.
tony leung (you...became old, but Oo so sexy still),
and zhang zi yi (as much as i dislike the fact tt you took over gong li, one of my fav actresses place, You are Hot...in this movie...)
this two...had well, a sizzling relationship where they basically flirted with disaster.
Although one thing i also didnt get in this movie.
WHY? why the reference to singapore? singapore, our small dot of a home country,
not that i don't love singapore, but...talking about gambling and prostitution and little malay men wearing sarong, is that what singapore is all about?

no... singapore is more than that. definitely. because i was born and bred there.

the show...well i loved it.
in true wong kar wai style.
brilliant!

my fav is still chung king express...
but, anything w tony, maggi, gong li, zhang zi yi, carina lau ...is a star studded cast.

Good stuff.

time now ticks quickly.
went to smith todae, got myself a nice nike thermal vest.
baby blue,
just the way i like it.
dinner at boba.
ate nasi lemak w curry and chai tao quay.

not in the best of moods lately.
sick and out. washed out rather.
weary now.
trying to be positive about everything,
my laughs, my smiles have diminished.
falling back in routine,
a nasty feeling ttz returning to tear me.

i want to talk to you face to face.
that you can see me for who i am
that you will know that i can feel and i'm can hurt.
but then its part of the phase.
you know it, as i do.
something pls. i'm trying.

even if i were to tell you how much i truly felt,
can you feel it?
can you understand?

you who are so impt to me.
you want to be free, thats what you have.
maybe its just me and my sentimentality.
maybe its just me once again.

i'ii leave you alone,
concentrating on what you want to do,
because i know you never want to lose, never want to fall short of that goal you set.
and i wish you all the best, and all my love.

on a more pleasant note,
things will get better soon.
with the band forming and playing for the first time.
and the trip thats going to happen soon.
it'ii get better,
even if your not here.
when i need you,
although i'm alwaz here when you need me.
just ask, tell me.

madness rules as madness wants.
the none relenting exploits of a proposal unmade.
i freaking hate it when stuff are due so soon. especially when the weeks melt away in thin sight just like that.

"she whispered to herself,
'now what am i doing here, because this was not as i remembered.'
The fallen leaves on the pavement looked crimson in their wake, sweeping in the billowing wind that drove them in swarms, circling their descinated area.
The house looked foreign. Untouched, and unwanted in its towering presence. A stranger in its own vicinity.
'now now...', a voice spoke from behind.
'your home and that's all that matters... the doctor says...your nerves...'
and that was all she heard.
nothing else could get pass her now. she was living the life she wanted, happily frolicking in the arms of the warmth provided by the sun. uprooting daisies and sunflowers as she ran.
the earth ate at her sandals, the worn out pair she had purchased ages ago, but never let them go as they held precious moments with her love. The sand that had gotten stuck on her heels. Lodged in silence.
'ling? ling?'
the voice brought her back.
she was at her new place. the place she moved in not too long ago...maybe a month or so.
a new life or so she thought.
being here did not help at all. all she could think of was to escape.
to be rid of the deafening silence that oppressed her."


- "it is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors...all art is quite useless" ~ oscar wilde (The picture of Dorian Gray, 1909).

Interesting things bout being a Virgo:

Firstly, i'm suppose to meticulously neat and tidy. (Not!)

extremely clean and conscious. (NOT nOT! - only if i cant stand it anymore, although i've been known to help my ex clean up lots)

Green fingers ( face it man...i just killed yet another plant. cant understand how it can die of lack of water when i feed it every Dae. yes...everydae.)

They have a wonderful sarcastic sense of humour that can cut to the bone (OK...i am sarcastic...but i'm not Insensitive, although often maybe my jokes are abit cold, sooOoo pple just dun get it).

They love to point out mistakes and failings and thrill at the sense of superiority this gives them (Ok...this is not me. more like pple take the delight out of pointing my flaws out. NOTe...Kenn, S, n Ly. Yes... Mm and her MMism...). They are hypercritical, wry and fussy( hm... i'm anything but that i guess, i eat anything. WEll, not shit but i'm anything but fussy. you guys noe...i'm a push over. TTz y you love me...hehe). Many Virgoans are very lonely people. However their cold, cynical nature and lack of warmth is more than compensated for by their ability to organise (Lonely loney... everyone gets tt way i guess, but yar, i hate being alone. but, i'm far from organize...and i so do not lack warmth. well if your a complete stranger then too bad for yar, but, if yar a close fren, you shld noe. i'm vv warm).

Most people find this pedantic attention to detail a little strange even disturbing. It is! Virgoans are uninspired artists but make great censors, clerks, cleaners and train spotters( hm...does writing lots - words, music, lyrics - make me an UNinspired artist? ...and btw i hate being meticulous. zaps my enthusiasm).

Conclusion:

maybe i'm a libra after all. at least thats wat the symptoms sae. How can i be Virgo? although Celine believes otherwise. Wth. thinking bout it, quite interesting to wonder where the line of horoscopes and your own self cultivated nature diverge?

But then hor.

even that differs. see this other horoscope reading thingy. if yar not in da reading mood. SKIP SKIP SKIP.

The Virgo female usually has a strongly developed maternal instinct and makes for a very devoted wife and mother. Counted among the best housekeepers, she is economical and delights in having her home and personal belongings tasteful as well as elegant. This is a woman who will be extremely precise...even to the point of fussiness. Clean and chaste in thought, most Virgo females display expressions of purity and virtue. There is normally a certain fascinating sweetness lingering in the eyes and about the mouth. Females governed by this Sign love those who are pure in mind and who possess characters which are just and true. Thus, they tend to dislike the baser instincts associated with the male population and are apt to find marriage something of a disappointment. Nonetheless, the magnetism of the Virgo woman is very marked and once she has gained an influence over another person, she will rule absolutely. Although the heart of this female will not go out to the world in general, she is likely to be very loving and affectionate toward those of whom she is fond. If one single word could describe the Virgo woman, it would probably be discriminating. She demands action rather than words and quickly seeks commitment in any relationship.
With a love of finery, dress, society and display, women who fall under the jurisdiction of Virgo will resort to any honorable means in order to gratify their desires in these areas. Likely to be a leader of fashion...if circumstances permit...she will always show excellent taste in the selection of wearing apparel. These women harbor much respect for the beautiful coupled with an outstanding perception of color, which often develops into artistic talent and may be displayed in their use of a needle, brush and pencil. Floral arrangements and home decoration are their particular specialities. This female is blessed with a quick and accurate eye which enables her to excel in any profession which utilizes such gifts. This woman is not one to be trifled with and she truly knows what she is all about. It would be a grave mistake to underestimate this female. She will set goals and overcome any odds to achieve them. The most enlightened Virgo woman is one who has developed both her intellectual and spiritual sides. Such a female is extremely powerful, magnetic and charming...one who could possibly sway an entire nation, if not the entire world.
Acccommodating and adjustable, this woman may basically be a shy individual, but such will not deter her from overcoming life's obstacles. If some flaw or imperfection is perceived in a relationship, then she will have no hesitation in breaking the bond. When annoyed, females who fall under the jurisdiction of this Sign can be shrewd and fussy and they are certainly nobody's fool. However, this woman can be won over with grace and taste rather than physical charms. The approach to life here is direct. Virgo women can be pessimistic and critical souls but somewhat earthy in their judgments. This is one of the few female types of the Zodiac who can be trusted in every way. Often possessing the reasoning powers customarily associated with males, the Virgo woman refuses to adopt a veneer of helpless feminine charm...although she is usually feminine in appearance. Severe in her moral judgments, this woman is frequently good at hiding such, presenting a smiling face to the world and always pleasant on the surface. By no means a spoil-sport, being tolerant and wise in many ways, the Virgo female does possess such high standards for herself that she often seethes with inner tension. In addition, this woman will probably have a tendency toward hypochondria. She is so centered on being perfect that she is inclined to imagine ailments and diseases whenver she feels the slightest bit out of sorts. In truth, however, the Virgo female rarely requires medicine at all and usually lives a long and useful life...frequently appearing much younger than she actually is.
Intellectual by nature and blessed with a gift of language...or even the powers of a retentative memory which helps her pass examinations...this female is something of an academic type which can be threatening to many ordinary males. Nonetheless, this is a woman who does possess sex-appeal and is often counted among the prettiest females of the Zodiac. She will also be lively and vivacious well into old age. The woman governed by Virgo will have a quick and alert mind but can be something of a snob. Regardless, she respects all the old-fashioned virtues and is one of most subtle and delicately cast women of the entire Zodiac. As a mother, she will be relatively indulgent, taking infinite pains to understand her children. As a wife, she will constantly strive for perfection in every way...backing her partner in each endeavor while making every effort to be self-effacing.

Lengthy read *yawn* but yar, hm... sometimes what horoscopes sae seem conflicting rite.

another interesting thing to note:

Virgo people like making lists, a well-stocked medicine cabinet, self-improvement courses, punctuality, mimicking others, grooming themselves, taking showers, using nice soaps, dealing with details (no matter how minute or unimportant), tiny animals, helping others, and wearing well-tailored clothes in muted colors and textures

(REally? hm... i have a medi case, but ttz cos i fall sick quite frequently, ..and i dun mimick pple la. how annoying wld it be to have 100 pple like you? ttz so unoriginal. well... every person, i dunno bout the few who dun, EVERy one loves a pretty bath. nice smelling and delicious..., i like tiny animals and helping others, depending to wat degree of help that is required-nothing naughty tt is, and...clothes well, i like nice textured stuff, and a nice coat tt can fit for all ocassion. smart casual rather, or eccentric that is. depends on my mood, or dressy and sexy).

Virgos dislike crowds and noise, brash and unruly people, slang, vulgarity, slovenliness, dirty surfaces, people who whine and complain a lot, sitting still for a long time while doing nothing constructive, disrupted schedules, lids left off boxes or tops off toothpaste, being obligated to others, people who move their personal things about, hypocrisy and deceit, any admission of weakness or failure, and bright primary colors.

(hm... i like crowds and noise. all the better to observe pple, v interesting to hear wat they sae, you never noe when something interesting wld occur. and...well, i like purple, blue and yellow. if you mix pri colours, yar will get them bah. but, not really a bright bright colour person. depends on mood really. And, i find unruly pple annoying - i'ii tell them off if they irritate me enuff, or if i feel nice, i'ii just smile and let them go on, but then, sometimes their v interesting. hm...well, sitting still wout doing anything constructive is so me. tt wld be, click on and click off my kazaa and msn, toggling with my keyboard, staring at my work. A waste of good time. But, i'm not fuzzy bout stuff, you can leave the lids off stuff, i cant be stuffed. but, yar...Dun move my personal stuff, cos i cant find that. i rem my mom used to do it, sighsy. i miss my mommy...)

Ok. enuff for todae, droning on bout my horoscopes.

another essay to conquer. did research on decadence and may i say this...it sucks.
got an internship at allen n unwin, though for a mere 5 daes -_- wonder wat good that will do...
but, shouldnt complain.

5 daes to go and counting... essay one due on 3rd june. then 4 more...yes, 4 freaking more due on 6th...
but after which my hols will start.
wish someone was here *blinkz*

anyhows anywhos...
apparently got a gig every fri... ^^introduced by my darling mommiee....
but then, seriously think my piano skills... maybe only vocal can be considered ok bah.
STill... i'ii give it my best shot!

feeling a little crappy though. although...my darling Celine, gave me a packet of snacks, From taiwan, its called something dou fu...suppose to be like mock beef... ohhh oohhh... but then, no mahjong man.
if got, i tell you, san que yi, i'ii still play!
itching to play man.

hopefully by the end of the year, when i go back to sg, things would work out well cos it'ii make me very happy.
like an emotional rollercoaster, so there's no need to take a real one (which is one of the things i dont do).
but, wld love to go back to visit my bestie...min min. muackz. hope your doing fine man, you dunno how freaking cold it is here. especially since its dipping at a low of 13 degrees.
soon i'ii become an ice pop and freeze my arse off in this freaking cold weather.

mary's over tonite. and we ate KFC -__- which was decadently...goodddd...(sinful sinful - quoting some intelligent person)
thanks man. your a saviour babe. and i love yar!!! *huggiez*
looks like i wouldnt be lonely tonite...hehehe...*rubs hand together in glee*

back to books. counting down to the time i'm done with this book crap.
til then...

is it possible to fall in love with someone while your miles and miles apart?
when you've only met that special someone, once?

even when you thought you had offended him long ago, and was pleasantly surprised with a hello eons later?

maybe i've grown fonder of myself to let me go.
maybe i've grown up more with experience and wisdom (not from a mere tooth),
maybe i've grown fonder of you.


still caught in limbo at present.
lots of dreams i want to start and go on with.
not willing to give up everything for someone over again, not because i cannot love,
but because i dont want to be hurt again.

how can you open up, without being hurt?


"when the darkness were to cloud your mind,
look up not in wonder,
because there are brilliant shades of colour,
that would guide and light your life.

Sing out loud your fears and desires,
just so no body can mistake you for someone who doesnt care.
Voice out all the wants that hides,
in the depths of a withered soul,
tainted with the tears of a fallen lover.
No more alone,
with him walking beside you,
where distance only shortens with knowledge,
and feelings binds the seeking heart.

Now you see that it was no trouble,
so sit back and relax,
watch the unravelling show,
not of freaks and circus acts,
but rather, the orchestra from deep inside one's being."



-For now.
I'II open up my heart and see what the future holds.
Pray tell not what it would be,
because you'ii never know.

That particular poem was sent to me by a good fren, C.
You who i cherish and hold true, although sometimes my own barriers consume me.
those that i put up in defence,
those that surround me because i never let them down.

even until now,
i still hold my belief that with sincerity, with love, mountains can be moved.
things can change not because you want them to, but because those whom you touch would change for you.

its a little idealistic, but for now thats all i can do.
not hope but rather to enjoy whatever time i have,
because time is not what is leftover,
but an ongoing thing that would not exhaust til i breathe my last.

hoping to get a good internship next year,
and to secure a job, no matter how minute in status it would be.
exams are coming and work is crushing.

had an enjoyable ball last friday,
although i must say having one on a cruise was the first i ever experienced.
met two new friends and old friends.
its when you think people dont care, that you realize they do.
if you can open that tattered heart of yours to look, to receive.

feel horrid for my continuous absence on fris.
i know its my own fault because i had choices and i chose not to go.
1 minute a day, i'ii do that.
just because i know you would only want me to get stronger,
and not crumble under pressure.

had someone comment on me.
free-spirited.
doing as i please.
the confidence and craziness to do anything i want.
i hold true to the second one, just because it makes me happy.
to eat as much as i want, just because i didnt want the waiter to keep carrying so much food around (or so i say),
to be spontaneous because it makes the people around me laugh.

soon i'ii be out of school and on with my life.
until then, i hope with all my heart that i'ii enjoy this phase.
more and more with time passed.

after awhile, you learn the subtle differences
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.


And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
And presents aren't promises.


And you begin to accept your defeats
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
For plans and the future have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile, you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,
you really are strong, you really do have worth..

And you learn, with every goodbye, you learn


...Veronifa A Shoffstall..

its a thoughtful observation that men find women more desireable when they are non-responsive.
even when they have everything they could possible want.
booze,
a loving woman.
a comfy seat.
play station.
good friends.

and the list goes on and on.

in my experience,
i've had this guy bug me over a couple of weeks to be my friend, and i really dont know what to think.
is it my appearance that his interested?
my wit?
the way i write?

basically it all boils down to one question,
men want women they desire and once they get them,
its after another skirt and bye bye to you.

why love then if its that easy?
had the most hilarious experience the other day when i went to class.
my teacher marion (whom i've mistaken for over half a semester as my old creative writing teacher) mentioned the idea that diaries are kept in the hopes of being read.
now now...
this was drawn from a literature text written and based on a dream of the OLD queen elizabeth.
The most interesting thing was that it seemed, power was the main attraction,
not looks, not articulation, not eloquence.
in the dream, elizabeth was a fragile old woman in petticoat.
now that's weird.

for me,
the notion of love remains simple,
where as many a person, rather one person has continually wonder why love cannot be defined,
is complicately forward.
love is when you feel you want to protect someone dear to you.
love is when you want to be with the person, where upon opening your eyes the first person to make you smile would be him.
then again.
love could be the devotion to one person just because you can.

even i sometimes dont understand this notion of love.

went clubbing the other day and there were a bunch of guys who were basically fluttering around anybody who responded to them.
now, i've decided to remain as sobber as possible from now on.
haha...
and there was this particular guy that struck me as perculiar.
why is it that after numerously telling him no, (my friends had to resort to pushing him across the dance floor and telling him no, but, well he doesnt get it)
he still chooses to pester us?
i simply do not understand the concept.
is it because of the rejection factor?
or has too many books warrant the notion that if you fight for what you want, eventually you would get it?
-_- thats farniely creepy but i wouldnt even go there with a five foot pole.

as of today,
after so long.
it seems that i can stop writing my journal.
after 6 long years or rather a lifetime.
all my fears, my darkest secrets, my loves and fancies.
no more needing to rely on a book that was written for an audience but would be banished forever into secrecy.

i want to stop writing it anyway.
because then i can fully live my life, outside the realm of literature, ideology and hope.
now practically living and loving oneself would be more important.

i've decided from today,
i'ii do as i please. which i seem to have forgotten over time,
over trying to give everything to the one i love.
then expecting something back no matter how minutely i convince myself its nature would be,
the fact is that expecting often only harms the relationship and myself in the process.

have a beautiful flower pot in my room that has blossomed lovely.
red with orange stripes...
pretty pretty.
even i feel happy when i see it.

now back to my PS....