A copy of my performance.
Cheers to you guys who came to watch.
My loves ^-^ L and G.
You guys rock my world.
Soooo happy everyone came up to tell me i was good.
and the place is so funky... "the playroom".
Stand up comedy...Russell Peters, you are all it!
But then again,
it was a good experience, everyone loved it and came to
slap me across my back. Happy that disregarding my
Asian Asian Na Na crap in my script...
it worked.
Beautifully. ^-^

Reminds me of the fundraiser gig i did.
So nervous on stage, but cassie and paul ...you dears.
All my nerves held and even though it was chinese/eng
popish crap in front of a white audience who was waiting
for the ultimate show rock bands...i applaud you guys
for applauding me.
and the thumbs up from tt cute caucasian guy, "your good,
sweetie..." made my dae.
*blush*

anyway. read my crappy script. it wld be better if i read it.
Hope to have another chance soon to do this in person.

Oh! and we're going to set up a bistro/cafe!
Although i'm the hard labor partner, and Fay's the money
mommie...i hope things work out
Our art cafe. Fusion Fix-cafe.
^-^ hope pple wld appreciate our art.




***

Voice Over:

Sings: Rainbow connection song

Why are there so many…songs about rainbows?

What’s on the other side?

Rainbows are visions, but only illusions…

And rainbows have nothing to hide…

Let me tell you a story. Long long time ago, there lived a little girl. She was placed under a spell and could only say things that people wanted to hear.

“Even when burnt your cooking still is the best!” (pinches nose while speaking)… “That mole on your forehead means your lucky” (twists imaginary mole on face and nods as if in deep thought)… “Your hair is beautiful even with streaks of yellowish green and purple.” (furrows eyebrows).

Sometimes she would cry to herself and think; maybe this is how life should be. One day, she thought aloud that she would rather pull out her hair then face another superficial person. The people in the streets stopped and stared. She had freed herself. The witch cried, but everybody just wants to hear nice things. It is expected (Shrill voice). The girl replied. I am but me.

***

*comes down from the top of chair, sits normally, but in the most ugly posture. Legs wide open and pushes so that chair rocks to and fro

Have you seen this girl? I saw her yesterday. The same black hair, yellow skin, brown eyes. Yet, she’s white. Inside and out. She, I, we… are one and the same.

***

*clears throat: sits down quietly with legs apart.

Hi, How are you today? (Sweet voice, a little pitchy in sound).

(Soft, unassuming, almost shy in texture).–In Chinese

(gentle, yet confident in nature). – In Cantonese

***

I had a voice. Sweet…(drags voice tenderly), soft… (lowers voice), gentle… (smoothes out voice), squeaky… (squeak like texture) and vulnerable (breathless quality) in places.

A voice that spoke of tender loving care (glassy look in eyes). One of fiery passion (brings fist up, clenched stance) that ran through my veins where a pulsing heart bled often for soap operas.

I was a die hard romantic. Loving everything a woman could possibly love. Men, children, friends. High tea, cleaning, gossiping….

I had the voice of a woman (strong voice that fades away slowly). Now it seems my voice has broken...

***

(Walks to the front of stage, almost as if to reveal a big secret).

Let me tell you this. Not many people know about our little secret but…We (pause pensively), Asians (spoken slowly with eyebrows raised) are actually a tightwad bunch (speed up as if for fear the secret might be leaked out to unsavoury sources, finger raised in a gesture of partially covering mouth). We have rules that you don’t know about. We call them family obligations. I call them the irrefutable Asian Traditional Commandments.

1. Never talk when your father, uncle, brother or husband does not require your input.

2. Women rank third in a family. One being the man, two being the family pet.

3. Men who are rich should be considered solely because they would make good providers. More importantly, they are rich. Most parents would love to have their children happily married off in return for a fat wad of money. However, this would never replace their love. Only make their loss a bit more bearable.

4. Love is never fair. Some of us have more then jealousy to cry over. We have Real Problems (emphasis on the R and P initials). Namely arranged marriages and domestic violence that we can’t speak of due to family reputation.

5. Walk freely under ladders and in front of a black cat. Ladders are inanimate and cats would only scratch the living hell out of you. Of course, be very afraid if the ladder or the cat decides to jump over the coffin of your loved one. That’s Chinese superstition for you (Clicks Tongue).

6. Adultery is fine if you’re a man. Your wife will only cry and return with additional sympathy for the fallibility of man and lust. If you’re a woman, you’ll be given the sack without repent. But be thankful that these are modern times; if not you would have to hang yourself to preserve... Pause Your husband’s family honour.

7. Chivalry remains. Men still open doors for women, who are carrying their children or the grocery. Man still help out with the housework. By lifting his feet up when she’s cleaning nearby (swiftly lift one foot off ground). Man also assists in the kitchen. Mostly in encouragement as he bellows out, “Where’s my dinner? I told you I want it at 6pm sharp. Don’t make me go there…”

8. An Asian wife could potentially be a good singer or debater. She could convince you solely by dragging the sound of words. This would be extremely good when bargaining or for getting out of trouble. Noooo laaaa…(Word is dragged for dramatic irony) means you are wrong and I am right. Yaaaaa Laaa…I’m not listening to what you’re saying, but I’II pretend that I am. Okkkkay laaa…I’II do what you say but I still think I am right.

9. Asian women are fortunate. They just have to follow what they are told. Don’t need to be too clever, men don’t like to be challenged, at least not out of the bedroom. Don’t need to be too pretty; men don’t like other men coveting after their wives. Only they have the right to do that.

10. Never trust what a woman says, be she your mom, sister, lover or me.

***

Mom and expectations (matter of fact tone).

Its’ an Asian thing (with a sweeping gesture of the hair, as if to sweep the idea aside).

*Mom’s voice, tainted with her usual Singlish accent. Hands on hips, finger wagging in disapproval

“Aiyoh. Ling ah, Dunnn follow your brother. Like a tomboy. Why can’t you be like your sister. Sooo Ladylike. Cross your legs! (insistent voice). Girls with legs opened like that will grow up to be very naughty…”(voice drifts away).

*cocks head to one side, eyebrows furrowed together

“ Girl ah. Dunnnn play with your brother’s toy! (emphasize on the Don’t. Drag the sound. Harsh yet concerned voice) Why cant you play with your barbie. Not toy soldiers!?” (appears to be deep in thought while taking a deep breath). I twisted his little arm off and nodded a crooked smile.

*Awkward silence as actor eyeballs the audience through the semi darkness

She could go on and on and on (slow down and drag the Ons). Don’t do this, don’t do that. ! Don’t talk with your mouth open. . (Scrunches mouth up in a defiant gesture before allowing it to fade into a blank stare). I gave in. I became me. A me I didn’t know, didn’t care for. One who ate, sat, slept on its on accord. Mom was proud (drags voice).

“yarrrr”, she would tell the relatives.

“She is sooooo obedient…no la no la. Not taught by me. Natural for her. Yarrrr. Now easier to find her a good husband”.

***

Husbands and love (pensive voice, almost as if trying to decide whether to buy something - quizzical tone) Love of self, him, her, me. Who? (Quickly spoken. As if confused by choices. Emphasize on Who).

I want love… (emphasize on last few words as if to take an order. Authoritative)… (words spoken quickly in succession) Fluffy, romantic. Passionate, fiery. Tragic, all-consuming (to feel as if the ideas are overwhelming).

Mom says if I turn twenty-eight without a man in sight, she would match-make. A better way of saying, I’II arrange a man because you’re stubborn, unladylike and Unwanted…(voice drifts away) According to her, my shelf life is up and my life, half over. I just turned twenty-three.

Relationships should not be a battle (voice becomes low and scruffy sounding). Ready, Steady, Go (voice of Referee). FIGHT! Scream! Round 1. You what! Down (gestures with hand, pointing towards the floor). 3, 2, 1... I, You, Her, What?! (quickly spoken, voiced raised in exasperation). (With excitement. Hand waving up and down swiftly).... Bing! I want a divorce… and that shirt off your back (pronounced venomously, slowly).

Woke up today, flopped over and grabbed the untouched bedspread I tucked and kissed goodnight. Its soft silkiness that cooled my touch (a tinge of sadness in voice). A person to cuddle and warm my feet against. A feeling of toastiness. No one who loves the 2-faced freak and ugly child. No little freak to kiss my monstrosity to sleep. No?

Maybe mom’s right (resigned tone). Love may never come into the equation (spoken quickly, as if calculating like a mathematician). Input might not be output. Therefore to cut potential losses, I’II look for profits. A rich husband (points with finger at audience and smile wryly). Latch myself on him and get true love when I’m rich! (as if giving a how-to-get-rich-quick lecture) I can be as manly or wild as I want, when I have that 24-carat diamond stuck to my fingers (wiggles fingers frantically as if to display a ring). If mom didn’t need love, grandma didn’t need love, why should I? (almost cunning thought, spoken slyly).

In fact, why don’t we do as old, and reach for a club and smack your love over the head (swinging motion with fist).

Women! Let your hair down. Men! Drag her back to your cave. Of course, in reality, life is much more complex. You could be sued for sexual harassment and be put into your 2-by-4 cave.

***

*smiles and make to sit back down abruptly, still staring at audience

People people people. Look at you…fat, short, skinny, tall, pretty and… Plainly_ Average (spoken quickly in succession, deliberates and points to self at Plainly_average. Slowly spoken, letting the words roll slowly over tongue). But all of us, share two things. Heritage and television. My heritage (emphasizes on words and points at self) comes in a all-you-need to know lecture form (almost exasperated sigh). My mom.

As I grew up (soft lecture like voice, as if teaching one’s children about the birds and the bees), mom was replaced by the teacher I spent the most time with, the TV. (drag voice, as if sharing a mutual secret with the audience – as if “you know what I mean, Wink Wink”). TV taught me what mom wouldn’t… undesirable knowledge like the birds and the bees, and women who spoke too loudly about divorce and rights (whisper-like voice, as if sharing a dirty secret).

Lessons with mom… (story-telling voice) came in whiffs of no, yes, , _____________, you mustn’t.

As an Asian girl (spoken quickly, as if to saying something patriotic and heartwarming – like the national anthem), I have to be respectable and demure. If not, people would say ______________, where my family didn’t teach me well (disgruntled kind of voice). As an Asian girl, I have to understand my place (softer tone, almost lamenting). To be devoted at home. Never laugh aloud in public (words pronounced slowly, venomously. Almost with hatred, loud then soft). Respectable and demure (strongly spoken, but slowly. Fades away).

But, I need to step out. Out of my shell, my comfort, my box of expectations. To shed the clothes that bind my soul (takes off coat). To be rid of the 6-inch shoes of old that cripple my feet (makes a kicking motion of feet).

My tongue is part of my voice. My voice is part of my body. My body is part of my life. I no longer have to hold my tongue. Sweeten my voice (soften voice). Give my body (stretch hand out in gesture of giving). Forsake my life (stares at audience momentarily).

I speak my mind as I see fit (excitement in voice, building). I wear as much or as little as the weather allows. I jump up and down without blushing, climb trees and mountains, swim in seas and journey into the unknown (joyous look upon face, as if imagining every single detail). The taste of sweetness (deep breath). Free, freedom, Freed.

* Makes a faint attempt to curtsy and stare defiantly.