its been awhile since i last blogged. too many things been happening around me. buzz buzz buzz. now stuck in melbourne, cant wait to haul my ass back to sunny singapore, the hot scorching sun and naggy mom. i love you all. just spent a long day with natty nat. Her "aint you my friend" to this completely new stranger, struck me that i've got to be more outwardly friendly, or people might just think that i was being stuck up (which i'm definitely not). We had bento (me unagi, and her's = beef). Piggy and tart, dont you wish you were here ? -_- although i think not.

Still remember how she would go on ENDLESSLY about pork and how toxic it was. goes all the way back to the dinner at TGIF. Hilarious. Anyway, after that, we had Max, while being surrounded by all the indos and malaysians and singaporeans, who are somebody's, someone else's, a friend's friend. When it first opened, there was NOT such a queue, and although i'm singaporean, i beg to differ. i personally HATE queues. Anyway, long day cut short, i got what i wanted ( a sharp nose plier for bout 2 bucks, while they sold the "more professional ones" for 48. - tempted to buy the 48 bucks one just for kicks).

Anyhow, been a tediously long break, where i've picked up a hobby. AN Obsession, rather. beads beads and more beads. all i think of now is, a stitch here, wire there, sparkling beads front and back. wonder whether this is a healthy thing. at the very least, it takes my mind off majority of the would-be relation-wreaking stuff. A relief in many sense.

I've just discovered, although it might not come as a surprise, i have a serious problem. A rather subtle emotional problem. Normally when i'm angry at a person, i wouldnt express it, almost to the point of suppressing it deep in my subconscious. But as things would be, they always come back and nip you hard in the butt when you least expect it. Out of no where, i would feel a blinding panic overcome me. The kind of sinking feeling, where an electric like wave would sweep over you, washing your feelings over and over again, echoing within your head, numbing your heart. My ears would have that hollowed out feeling, almost like that of a rapidly descending plane, where all it leaves you with is a gasping sigh of relief when its all over. My heart would seem to have stopped and blood draining down to my very feet. Not a good feeling at all.

I'm not too sure if i am the cause of all this, as expressing feelings might be the most efficient way to being rid of it, but somehow when i open my mouth to say it, it promptly closes, almost automatically.

Everyone has issues, and this is one that i hold close to myself, like a clam with something precious within, and i've resolved to solve these problem more promptly now without an overly explicit reaction : some people do it through punching out the wall (you know who you are), some cause bodily harm (erhem) and others, well, dont do anything. Maybe the best simplest solution is not to do anything. Dry but simple.

Anyhow, my christmas/cum/new-year resolution, WAS suppose to see Jay...but now, its merely to be more expressive. As easy as that, yet almost a feat in my eyes.

For now, all i can do is eat my Sour worms and contort my face and feelings like-wise.