listening to jazz, potato, patado... life seem to be draining to my very finger tips. had a grand quarrel today, over something that began with a thought, a good intention, an irritation, then the finale . Everything that meant nothing instantly became something, blown out of proportion- where one my best buds snapped- so goes the saying of "with good intentions".


The fact that i believed that correcting my english was fine as long as it didnt go too far (it started out just correcting, proceeded to repetition by everyone around me to remind me, constant laughing, picking on words that i remember pronouncing to my best of knowledge correctly, words i say that sound cheem *oooo mm can say such things* truly have not offended me, even until now, on reflection, i was not pissed at the correcting, i was cheesed at the what i felt as, you can correct my english, but how about other people who though do not say as frequently as i mispronounce stuff- i admit i am bad at pronouncing stuff, and probably even with much effort, still continue to do so - as well as the fucking off bit...=( sorrie S, but... yah... it wasnt the correcting bit, was just kinda irritated that everyone kept harping on my poor english, which...seeing i can get a H2b...and in uni, cant really be that bad...or can it be? everyone else i know thinks i'm perfectly fine, or maybe...its just when i'm with you all, i tend to mispronounce more...feel jittery and uneasy...feel inferior.(yes i do feel that way, though not your fault, cause i always had issues with my low self-esteem) - moral of the story...i seriously need psychotherapy...think i'm turning nuts... maybe this mispronounciation is part of the mmism effect.

On the note that I had woken up at an ungodly hour in the late noon, mucked around the house playing with our doggy, life seemed never better. In fact, up until the moment of confrontation i was feeling perfectly up and about. Really. Just guess, there are issues that cant easily be wiped away without a tissue. Things that gnawl away your very being. Maybe it was my fault after all. Due to my own brushing away of the issue over and over again, laughing at the hideous joke that was on me, though with my weak protests, sometimes i seem just pathetically funny to poke at. But i swear... i never meant for it to turn out this way, my own good intentions.

This issue on mmism- really is comically funny to me, and i dont mind it, except there is but one hitch: Ultra-sensitivity. The problem with me is that often i keep alot of things bottled in me,
as seen below:

Sensitive
Reflective
You come to grips more frequently and thoroughly with yourself and your environment than do most people. You detest superficiality; you'd rather be alone than have to suffer through small talk. But your relationships with your friends are highly intensive, which gives you the inner tranquility and harmony that you need in order to feel good. However it is no problem for you to be alone for extended periods of time, without becoming bored.

(Personality over the web):

I am a person who's not afraid of loneliness, probably, to put it into perspective, i can spend ages staring into my computer, in a daze. However, i love attention, infact, i feed of it. Thrive of it would be more appropriate. And yet, if i were to ask any of my friends, the probable answer would be, no body likes to be unpopular, grouping is just essential, as essential as knowing your place at home, in school, in society- self identity.

Back to the topic, i guess it all just cumulated into something that was unexpectedly sudden, where i didnt expect the sudden quietness to my "seriously" response, the oncoming over-zealous defence against my first protests, the "fuck off" and of cause, my now infamous "i am fucking off". Life doesnt get better. in fact, some people might agree that quarrels make life more interesting and friends better. To this...i stand prove that if friends who remain by your side, the friends who willingly comfort you irregardless whether your in the wrong, the friends who help mediate between two awfully hot-tempered and head strong individuals, i must say- you all deserve my respect. Always. And i truly love you people, who dont judge me even for all i have done wrong, and love me unconditionally. You people are the best and *hugs*. All well ends well and i must say, i love you K too =) and G, you two have been very encouraging...and you know my sulky and moody face...*pain expression* but...=) i know you still love me too, cause i'm honest and dont hide behind a mask = this blog with crap. (btw. this blog is crap but its the only revenue, and i must continue writing if not i might become part of the American psychotic culture where i would shoot everyone, like the Columbia incident.

P/S: on an afternote, i decided to say 3 words to my dearest friend S whom i shouted at- i love you - cant say sorry cause i still dont believe its my fault...and do do continue to correct my ENGOLISH...

love always, mariel