in the mood for contemplating questions. should i name Buddy, Bugger??? or should i name him jay?? but that might be a disgrace to jay coz his def not as sloppy as big white, XIAO bai, here. anywayz, was reading a frenz blog and realized tt my blog has transformed from a personal personal diary into a righteous feely feely blog. blah. But i must say, i hardly get surprised at all, like when my bro was having a deep conversation w me abt his fren who was apparently in jail for xxx reasons and bout the DARKER side of life.... yah. paint my world a darker shade wldnt ya?

frankly i dont reallie give a fudging(cartman's, fudge u, get the fudge out of here, i'm going home) damn about what pple think abt me, yes i noe my skin's crapped, yes i noe tt i'm getting older this sept, yes i noe tt the world's in perilous but reallie. Who reallie gives a fudging care? it's always me me me, if there was really something wrong with the world, why dont we all juz kill ourselves and get the fudge out of here?

pessimism was part of me, that was the way i was build. come to think about it, had a tiff w Li, and really, i dont like the feeling of being misunderstood or looked at differently just because i come home late coz i wan to a share of peace and laughter? Its strange. these few days, i actually want to be sociable. i want to make more frenz. such goes with the age. guess, i'm just feel insecure again. and trust me, i never wld wan to start a fight over nothing, maybe ur right, maybe i'm right, fighting is never the ans, Li do u understand? i dun wan to quarrel. really dun.

i dont want to keep explaining myself, only to be turned off, just like a broken lyre tt cant be strummed. I'm not a somebody, i'm not anyone. my name is mariel and i hope everyone gets tt. i can be a friend, i can be a partner, but i wan to be THE one. It sounds crappy, and i'm crappy...but getting bugger today made me really feel that, as superficial as some pple can be, or as nice and caring as others are, life doesnt revolve around them. Instead, its the quality of life tt u wan it to be ttz most impt. Yes. Your worth is decided by you and only you alone. No one else really gives a fudge about you. Even the person who loves and says he treasures u most, is doing so for their own reasons. Assurance. That's one thing i lack. Search, Searching, searched. Hopefully, the fullstop doesnt come that soon.

i'm not that self-deluded yet.
love still survives all.
love for others and self.