i never really knew myself. there are days when i would get up and think to myself, what the hell was i doing?
just gets so depressing. then there are days when i get all excited and high as a kite that it seemed almost whacky
that i could react so differently to different situations.

what always perplexed me was the fact that i never really knew myself, or maybe i was just one of those people with
a OCD(obsessive complusive disorder) where i would repeat an activity as a form of security or even paranoia. for instance,
sometimes i would get so insecure that even to go to the bathroom i would have to on all the lights in the hall, both toilet lights,
one for the bath and one for the toilet. then, i would make sure i off them all.... this process would continue when i eat, when i watch
tv... everything and anything.

often i realize that my mood can violently fluctuate from good to bad with a snap of the finger. just like that. maybe this is the first stage
to the bi-polar manic disorder btw depression and estascy. who noes and who really gives a damn. but then, though my reactions can never
be calculated before hand, it is almost predictable.

walking down the street, i'm sure you would have realized that there are people, men and women who suffer from this kind of illness. maybe it
is contagious and air-borne, passing from one person to the other. women like me often suffer from these violent mood-swings once a mth or more,
but for men, not generalizing or anything, can be observed as having it as frequent as on a weekly basis. take my dad for eg. when he doesnt get
his food, he is an angry man. note the quote, a hungry man is an angry man. well said and proven. men tend to be more introverted in the sense that
they never reveal their true feelings, but they can be read as easily as a book. its all in the face. men and the sound they make. like their predeccesors,
the great ape, they grunt when their hungry, snort when they show contempt and growl when they are angry. last but not least, they snore...

all these weird mood-swings that i experience just seem to be part of growing up. cramps, pain, bitching. which women hasnt been there yet?
the other day i was reading an article on the androgynous mind, where a good writer had to have a he/she instinct towards things he perceived...so goes relationships.
The Big R... men expect women to be sensitive to their emotions, to sense what is unspoken, to noe when to tok and when to zip it. women do. but then, men would call
them petty whenever they try to bring up their own pt of view... this is of course not in an attempt to put down our able-bodied men in general but to serve as a reminder
that both the male and the FEmale have to form a balance btw the two before they can truly understand each other.


what amuses me is the fact that men expect us to give them face and also give them space, if you noe wat i mean. i have this friend who on an occasion
had a big quarrel with his girlfriend over the way she should have cooked pork chop. he insisted on drowning the potatos first before stir frying the pork,
which eventually gained the attention of his mom, who with all her good intentions made his girlfriend see it as a personal attack on her cooking. note here
that a woman's worth as a wife is often, unfortunately valued by her ability to cook. adamently, she felt that she had to clarify the misunderstanding that she
had not wanted to cook the pork that particular way... but really... did it matter? all it got was 2 sulky faces and an empty stomach. on another occasion,
when the girl was feeling awfully upset due to being neglected ( being oversensitive as she was) could do nothing to bring her spirits up. the guy on the other
hand told her not to sulk as this would reflect badly,especially in front of his friends and family. This brings to mind the idea of "the perfect hostess". all the
expectations a woman has to be burdened by all her life, to maintain fake happiness when she cant be happy, noe the right words to say to keep her man.
all this just seems so cliche. what happened to the feminists' ideals of the past, what happened to all the movements and protests we had like the burning
of the bras...the truth which always hurts is that women as a whole are still unable to shake off the traditional culture beliefs that they were brought up to believe.
be a loving wife, have a loving husband. men are afraid of strong women, physically and mentally. sure, they were intellectually stimulating but who would want
a wife who was defiant and self-righteous in her beliefs? if you do, tell me. but as far as i noe, most women in power positions do face much difficulities in their
marriages and relationships, though i still believe true love conquers all. making things change for the better.