The Heart that Overthrows the Pen.

2009-06-03T00:46:00.001-07:00

Alright, so I’m just getting into photo-shopping and being all enthusiastic about taking ‘angled’ artistic shots…

the end point is, an artist is only as good as his tools are, although I do note that there are many who do not share the same sentiments *giggles*. Whatever the case, here’s a lovely list of stock picture archives that would be of help, conceptually and well, mentally I guess.

All credits go to the valiant efforts executed and gathered by 1stwebdesigner.com!

1. Sxc.hu - the leading free stock photo site. If You don’t know about this site and call Yourself a designer, I’ll feel ashamed - MUST KNOW site offering an impressive collection of many high-quality photos taken by amateur photographers from around the world. There are more than 380.000 quality stock photos. If You are searching for something this is the first place where to look, totally my favorite one. 2. EveryStockPhoto EveryStockPhoto site is becoming more and more popular, now there are 4,4 million free photos! 3. MorgueFile One more site worth looking for. “This morgue file contains free high resolution digital stock photographs and reference images for either corporate or public use. The purpose of this site is to provide free image reference material for illustrators, comic book artist, designers, teachers and all creative pursuits.” - Quote from their homepage. 4. Flickr Everybody know about this site with their main purpose as photo management and sharing application. Great place for inspiration and searching for good photographs, but don’t forget to check author’s license, before using them. 5. Deviantart Very popular community and also very good photos sometimes can be found there, but yes, don’t forget about license and asking authors first for their permission. 6. Kavewall All images are separated in 18 different categories with really handy navigation. 7. StockVault More than 11,000 stock photos are available for now. 8. Image*After Image*After is a large online free photo collection. You can download and use any image or texture from our site and use it in your own work, either personal or commercial and currently there are more than 20,000 free textures and images available. 9. CreatingOnline 10. AllDigitalDreamer 11. FreeFoto FreeFoto.com is made up of 122879 images with 157 sections organized into 3386 categories for now, pretty impressive indeed. 12. DreamsTime Over 4 million photographs are over here for free or 0.20$/image. 13. FreeRange All images are at least 2400 x 1600, and photos can be used for commercial or personal projects. 14. FreeDigitalPhotos 15. FreeStockImages 16. TurboPhoto 17. Visipix 18. FreePhotosBank 19. Cepolina Over 8,000 photos available for now, each photo can be downloaded in five formats - up to 1024×768px. 20. BigFoto This interesting site offers high resolution and really beautiful photos of continents. 21. OpenPhoto 20 different categories with high quality nature and architectural photos. 22. ShutterStock 4,9 million royalty-free stock photos with almost 80 000 new photos every week. 23. PdPhoto Several thousands of royalty free pictures here and free for use. 24. FromOldBooks FromOldBooks site offers scanned images, engravings and pictures from old books 25. FreeImages 2500 original stock photos for free. 26. DexHaus 27. PublicDomainPhotos More than 5,000 free photos out there and free for commercial use. 28. FreeLargePhotos 29. ImageBase Every picture is free to use and really high resolution - from 1600×1200 until 3072×2048px! 30. PhotoRack All pictures listed at PhotoRack are Free to use for personal and commercial projects. If You know some more good free stock photo sites, please share with us, to evolve our design community!!

Sony Incoming: PC Show!

2009-06-02T21:05:00.001-07:00

Crocodile Skin VAIO CS Series NEW
Name of Product / Model No.	VAIO CS36J/I/U
Key features and selling points	§ New Colour – Crocodile Pink, Crocodile Brown § Intel® Core™ 2 Duo Processor P8700 (2.53GHz) § Genuine Windows Vista® Home Premium 64-bit with Service Pack 1 § 320GB Serial ATA 5400 RPM § 4GB DDR2 SDRAM (max. 8GB) § DVD+RW / R DL / RAM Drive
Normal Price	S$2,399

A feast for the Upcoming PC Show. Definitely a must-see experience!

VAIO AW Series
Name of Product / Model No.	VAIO VGN-AW27GY/Q
Key features and selling points	§ Intel® Centrino® 2 Processor Technology Intel® Core^TM2 Duo Processor T9550 (2.66GHz) § Genuine Windows Vista® Ultimate 64-bit with Service pack 1 § 1 TB Serial ATA 4200rpm § 4GB DDR2 SDRAM (max. 8GB) § Blu-ray Disc^TM Drive
Normal Price	S$5,999

Cyber-shot T90
Name of Product / Model No.	Cyber-shot DSC-T90
Key features and selling points	§ 12 megapixel camera § High definition video recording § Intelligent Auto Mode § Advanced Face Detection § Improved Smile Shutter § 3.0” Clear Photo LCD Plus Touchscreen
Normal Price	S$569 inclusive of GST
PC Show Price	S$499 + attractive free gifts

Cyber-shot T900
Name of Product / Model No.	Cyber-shot DSC-T900
Key features and selling points	§ 12 megapixel camera § 4x Optical Zoom § 720p High definition video recording § Intelligent Auto Mode § Advanced Face Detection § Improved Smile Shutter § 3.5” Xtra Fine LCD Plus Touchscreen
Normal Price	S$679 inclusive of GST

Handycam with 4GB built-in memory
Name of Product / Model No.	HDR-SX40
Key features and selling points	§ 1/8” MP CCD § 60x Optical / 120x Digital Zoom § Built-in 4GB Memory (DCR-SX40E) § Carl Zeiss® Vario-Tessar ® Lens § 2.7" Wide LCD with Touch Panel § SteadyShot § Dolby® Digital 5.1 Creator § Face Detection § Quick Start-up § Easy Handycam® Button
Normal Price	S$669.00

Handycam with New Exmor R CMOS Sensor
Name of Product / Model No.	HDR-XR520
Key features and selling points	§ 1/3.13” New Exmor R CMOS Sensor § 240GB Hard Disk Drive (HDR-XR520E) § 1920 x 1080i Full HD Recording § 12x Optical / 24x Digital Zoom § Sony G Lens § 12 Mega Pixel Still Image Recording § 3.2" Clear Photo LCD Plus with Touch Panel § Optical SteadyShot (Active Mode) § Dolby® Digital 5.1 Creator § Smile Shutter § Face Detection § Quick Start-up § HYBRID Recording § Built-in Zoom Microphone § Single Camera, Double Shot § BIONZ™ Imaging Processor § x.v.Colour § Nightshot § HDMI™ Terminal
Normal Price	S$2,899

BRAVIA & Other Home Audio Visual
40” Full HD BRAVIA Z Series
Name of Product / Model No.	KLV-40Z4500
Key features and selling points	§ Motionflow™ 200Hz § BRAVIA Engine 2 § Live Colour Creation § BRAVIA Sync § DLNA (Photo/Music) § PhotoTV HD § USB Photo Viewer § Picture Frame Mode § XMB™ (XrossMediaBar) § Backlit Remote Controller
Normal Price	S$2,899.00

52” Full HD BRAVIA LCD TV
Name of Product / Model No.	KLV-52W4500A
Key features and selling points	§ Built-in Digital Tuner § Motionflow™ 100Hz § BRAVIA Engine 2 § Live Colour Creation § BRAVIA Sync § DLNA (Photo/Music) § PhotoTV HD § USB Photo Viewer § Picture Frame Mode § XMB™ (XrossMediaBar) § Digital Media Port
Normal Price	S$5,499.00 inclusive of GST

Wireless DVD Home Theatre System NEW
Name of Product / Model No.	DAV-DZ790K
Key features and selling points	§ BRAVIA Sync § USB Movie Playback (DivX and MPEG4 Simple Profile) § USB Record and Play Function § S-AIR Wireless Ready § HDMI Output (Upscale 1080p for DVD) § Digital Cinema Auto Calibration § Digital Media Port § Karaoke (Mic Input, Mic Volume, Karaoke PON, Multiplex, Key Control) § Total Power Output 1000W (144W x 5 + 280W) § 4-Floor Stand Speakers (Height Adjustable for Rear Speakers)
Normal Price	S$799 inclusive of GST

1. Surround Wireless DVD Home Theatre System NEW
Name of Product / Model No.	DAV-FZ900KW
Key features and selling points	§ BRAVIA Sync § USB Movie Playback (DivX and MPEG4 Simple Profile) § USB Record and Play Function § S-AIR Surround Wireless § HDMI Output (Upscale 1080p for DVD) § Digital Cinema Auto Calibration § Digital Cinema Sound § Digital Media Port § Karaoke (Live Karaoke Scoring, Mic Input, Mic Volume, Karaoke PON, Multiplex, Key Control) § Total Power Output 1000W (144W x 5 + 280W) § 4-Floor Stand Speakers
Normal Price	S$1,199 inclusive of GST

1. Walkman W Series
Name of Product / Model No.	NWZ-W202
Key features and selling points	§ 2GB capacity Headphone-style WALKMAN, freed from headphone cables § New ZAPPIN™ Function and Jog Dial Operation allow you to find songs easily, and to listen to music in a new way § Superior Sound Quality with 13.5mm EX Headphones § Compact and light weight : Sony’s Unique Spiral form headphones fit comfortably on the ears, and convenient for carrying § Multi audio codec support : MP3/AAC/WMA (DRM) § 12 Hours Battery Life (Quick charge : 3 minutes charge 90 minutes play back)
Normal Price	S$129 inclusive of GST

Melbourne Road Tripping!

2008-12-20T08:34:00.000-08:00

Awesome fun we had...

Facebook | My Photos - Toy N Comic Convention (Fri) 2008

2008-06-30T02:17:00.000-07:00

Facebook My Photos - Toy N Comic Convention (Fri) 2008

2007-01-02T18:10:00.000-08:00

Meh...Mm day. Boringgg...
Do you think pple look diff as they grow older?
Act differently...
wana be different?

At this pt in time,
i just wana throw all the old things away.
Quit playing wow,
delete my old hp number, move house...
Just be different..

My fren thinks i'm having a mid life crisis.
Lol, and maybe i am.
if i aint with you, maybe things would be so much different.

2006-12-19T21:56:00.000-08:00

you realized you were in love...

1. when you hate the person.
2. when you feel suffocated if there are questions u wan answers to, but would never ask.
3. when you think of spending the rest of your life with that person.
4. when time and time again after being hurt, u come back for more.

~until now. i still think of you.
PS. forgive me.

2006-10-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

mm...summer's quickly approaching, and it feels like singapore all over again. Time's like these i wish i was in singapore, since the weather's the same, the food tastes bland and overtly expensive...wat else is there here i would greatly miss?

prob my friends if it boils down to it, but...as jer said, what friends?

lol...addicted to wow, just because its a really neat game with 3D graphics...actually i'm more into it for the fact that it makes u think your useful once in a while.

might sound lame but...being able to help 39 other people along, hell...y not.
also, nubz thinks that it'ii be for the better if i participate more in the raids.
but...on a personal note, its not top on my priority list.

Now, i'm lvling my druid bear/cat/seal otter form...cute though....

been raving to get out abit more for the fresh air and get some exercise done, cos my back's acting up again. but...if i cant even go out for lunch at the office, what makes me think that i would willingly sacrifice my time to get out? haha....

still, had a great walk the other day through the park...rather all by my lonesome self. felt great though...wana go trekking again...

got off the tram even though, obviously the tiks valid til 2am... just walked home from there on.

me...in the office.... zzz...

2006-10-12T18:02:00.000-07:00

bugger...

fell down the other day.
not in a hilarious way, but was in a pretty good mood cos my colleague said i did a pretty good job coping at work. (everyone's out of country cept for me and him)...
But yea...i tripped and fell...
hurt my elbow...

had 1-2 stitches cos it kinda...went pwat!
but...other wise, its mostly skin loss which is pretty decent...

at least...at the end of it, i'm still fine and standing.

went straight back to work after this. -_- just like my first day of work, where i fell of my bike n broke my toothie~....

2006-09-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

another time another day...
The Old Mm: aging with time...
Should be more matured now...but. Lmao~

2006-09-21T18:23:00.000-07:00

Been playing WoW for a bit... addiction level has moderated.
Even now, Enz plays for me...not that i have anything agst playing, but i guess having time for myself is good.

Eyeballed:
pple generally like to read about themselves.

For the better or for the worse, a comment, an insult...
the thought of being noticed, desired, wanted.

2006-09-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

curiously, the days been passing rapidly.

for now, the only uncertainty would be the pending decisions:

1. decision to return to lala land. so familar, yet so foreign- could vaguely remember the names of buildings, places, areas...a place i spent 19 years of my life in...

2. PR pending, with an english exam heading up- need an average of 7/10...well, its not going to be a breeze but as far as i'm concerned, hopefully things will be smoothly overcomed.

3. Jobs- journalism, advertising, graphic design... courses to be taken, paths to be made...
unsure at this pt where exactly i would be headed, but at least i believe this would be the field my interest lies...

4. Music- songwriting has come to a halting stop. full-stopped. Our band has crumpled due to the timing, differences and well, money issues (didnt want to argue bout money, its all yours seriously. its more for the fun...and we were happy once...fung, kwan and mike, i'm cool with it. no need to bitch bout each other behind... truthfully, that email made we wonder whats the focus of it all, so i'm out. ^^)

5. Lifestyle changes - been here 5 years? has it really been that long?... and grateful for the wonderful frenz i've had, made and kept. friends whom i have lost due to them graduating, leaving, returning...and friends to come, make, befriend...

Choices. isnt it a bitch of a decision?

Concerns. Many many many.

You. For now there's only one.

Gaming. FTW.

Melbourne. Cold Hot Cold.

Time. Tight. undesireable. wasteful.

Me. Dreamer. Unpractical. Bite me.

2006-09-12T00:13:00.000-07:00

everything comes down to 1 week.

1 week for an answer...
1 week to figure out about cat...
1 week to my birthday...
1 week to find out who/ what i really wan...
1 week to forget about you...

~pity like a fool, when the fool cant see the road ahead...

2006-07-18T16:35:00.000-07:00

another year fleetingly past...
now time for the end of the financial year...and the end of our bz period here.

QA administrator...thats what my present job title entitles.
until now, i wonder if this scope and industry suits me or not.
still my interest lies in media and marketing, as well as HR/ PR.

looking back on the 4half years i wilted my time over here...it hasnt been a breeze emotionally but a thoroughly fabulous experience.
In david's words...AweEEeSome...

got to meet the most fantastic people...made life long friends whom i hold in great respect. You guys are certainly the strongest bunch i have ever met.

Sometimes i wonder, if i'm just over sensitive in stuff. trying my best to lighten up, and for peeps who knew me when i was a kiddie...you would go, woh...she's really not as sulky, not as depressing, not as pouty as i rem her to be...

i've learnt several lessons in life:

1. one cannot live without love, or carry on without...you can try to make it come back but there is a limit.
2. one must adapt to circumstances...if they change, go with the flow and survive the best you can.
3. even when things are down, there are always 2 hopes you can fall back on. your faith in god, and your faith in yourself.
4. True love comes when you least expect it...really.

thinking of my plans and steps for the future.
mom and dad feels i should stay here in melb, but i know deep in my heart that would be the most logical choice.
however, i desire to be back in sg, start a career and hopefully get into my much desired media and com field...
to be able to write freely...although that might not be true, would be the greatest thing that could happen to me. whether i get allowance or a salary it doesnt matter.

anyway, andry should be visiting sooN! ...that little piggy has flown to sydney for the longest time and forgotten bout his da jie. You whom i've spent countless time counselling...hope your doing better my little bro.

and...been on a shopping spree... which is totally bad. considering that i dont really consider whether its a need... but got my lovely loopies again. heidi picked them out for me. she's da gf of a close fren of mine...

wish i was back in sg ...then i can get to drink all the sugar cane juice and eat all the sambal sting ray iwan...instead of asking someone to eat for me...
Jealous >.<

2006-06-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

The Wanderful Princess Mm: Cruzied Mean-andering Full of a Womb-man

things that come naturally where others don't....

Mm.

A loving name coined by some of my closest friends.
but frens do drift, and to you guys I've outlived my importance for now....

Things even you never knew bout Mm... aka "the princess is speaking":

1. I get bored easily...almost ADD in nature...."sorry wat did you say again"?

2. Frends made are frends to keep...even if we just met, the moment we smiled, we were meant to be.

3. My bestie, is my closest fren not by default but becos you have become the most impt person in my life despite the distance and not talking to you a year on end...

4. Feelings.... fuelled solely on them. Driven and motivated in many ways.

5. Secret kleptomanic. tiny little glitter stuff thats for the birds...
- stole as a kiddy frm the bookstore...never caught...
-like shiny things...but not too shiny...
-horder...never give up little stuff that means nothing to anyone, but everything to me.

6. Generally on a happy spree...living day by day. Dislike being nagged at, but would try to please.

7. Wants a dog but falling in love with kitty... a lover for animals. (NOT insects)
- when young was bitten on the face by a cat, lied to mom that it was a fall...had to undergo a life-changing butt injecting experience.
- bitten by my bro's pet silky on the 3rd finger.... up yours Maxie!

8. Just want to travel and explore places with beautiful sceneries... climb, shimmey, laugh and roll....watever it takes.
- where I met my bf. On a mountain, on the way down (falling down), when a guy caught my hand (dont be mistaken) and another imp of a man screamed "DAMN IT! let her go!!...
-had the greatest of laughs when there was ABSOLUTELY nothing but barren sand and billowing puffed up clouds that promised never to rain...
-watched a kanga jump and bashed into a fren's car... and her little joey flung out and smashed to the grd. both died...not instantly, but eventually.

9. Spontaneous and crazed....
- can pack in under a few hrs...but a perpetual mess. Anytime anywhere...just pack and go.

10. New Things...Dislike redundant things... calculation, starring at numbers, repetitive stuff...
- want to be a writer, creative drawer, a what-not fashion crazed guru (eccentric not mainstream), music composer F-T...
-attracted to colour and sound...anything brilliant and vibrant. Just like a magpie is to silver...

= Overall...very uninteresting but will do anything for ya, if your impt!

2006-05-09T16:59:00.000-07:00

the frog in hot water theory...

cooking in boiling hot water, with the chance of survival at 99%

cooking in cold - warm- hot- boiling water, with the chance of survival at 1%.

= 100%

Death comes swiftly especially when you dont notice the factors that would tell you otherwise.

Wish list:

- watching Final destination 3
- getting more mp3 that i like
- watching ice age 2
- noeing that the people who are good to me are looked after
-see my mommie soon
- craves for hokkien noodles NYJC style!
- chilli ikan billis fried with peanuts from our lovely hanni
- get well quick (nearly fainted this morning...bad bad bad)
-get off flu medicine quick. making me feel wozzy.
- play my gigs without band squabbles. music.
- work getting better. no more measuring of garments! NO MORE!
- bro getting out of school (finally) and getting a job
- saving up for my masters in commerce
-getting into my masters. H2b av, but...
- finding out whether i need a letter from my employer to prove the 1 year for masters
- making more friends who would be there for me.
- renewing my faith. sorry...
- reading the bible from cover to end, and rem words of wisdom
- get my dream dress...the one i saw was torn. damn it.
-work out to be healthier. will get out of the woozy feeling
- no more OT at work... (like real)
- go back sg and get into satchi and satchi -_-

Reality Check:

* good job and good colleagues (except for the ocassional raised voices and pushing of excuses)
* healthy as in never been to a hospital, except to be part of staff
*god-blessed...how many pple do you noe can fall off the bike from 1.6m and not be impaled or break a hand? (only a broken tooth and really brusied hand)
*played my gig for as long as i could without succumbing to wat tears a group up...
*getting a decent lifestyle while waiting for PR
*living comfortably in my little nest

wat else can i ask for? maybe a wish list is a want list that you just rattle on about.
totally unnecessary.
yet... so temptingly desireable.

wat do i desire?

2006-05-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

time passes when your having fun...
been the most relaxed, uncaring months these days...

work has sped up and i have coped, survived and lived to tell the tales of ghosts and gales...

now, to get back on the highway.
packed my bags and out i'ii go....

back to the sunny isles of singapore.
wish i could go... M... miss you babe...

dunno how fast time flies... ya still alwaz here in my mind ah.
so dun worry, i'm not too far, if there's any prob, you could alwas call me.
missing singapore terribly, but i seem to have fallen for melbourne too.

The luxury of being all alone, and yet not alone.
meeting friends and un-meeting friends whom i have not seen in the longest time.
loving to hate life that seems marvellously horrid at first...
all working out in the end for the best.

Gorgeous as the days might be,
sometimes being a push over is horrible.
getting remarks like, your tooOOoo naive...
how can you believe that!?...

hope hope hope hope that things would change.
better job prospects, if not learn more from my job.

Love life, live life. choose life.

2006-04-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

Expectations...
Fulfilment...
the future...

the easter camp came and went as quick as the easter bunny would have hidden his eggs.

day 1:

Had an easter egg given to me, that was boiled and soaked (i believe) in colored egg (its a real egg), where being the hungry me who craved for food esp when i wake... i ate it, and ended up with blue fingers, a blue mouth, a blue tongue, and blue intestines....

Proceeded on in the bus (sat alone...til i dragged lio and cal over) happily lalala-ing~ away.
Armed with a guitar (used to belong to me, but cal decided he wanted to keep it, as he felt a connection ...talk bout inanimate relationships...) and limited scores, we sang and annoyed the driver to no end.

Reached the camp site, and was thrusted into an unfamiliar yet common surrounding, which...come to think of it, would be the 4-5 time in just over 3 years.

Queued up and waited for our names to be called, although the limit they set was from A-F and N-Z. (wat the...i'm an M)... shuffled and pushed from one queue to another...until we were registered!

Had the luxury of a 4 bunk room, instead of the 20-20-20 rooms with 3 by 3 bathrooms...i felt i was in heaven....

Left the campsite briefly, (ONLY due to circumstances, as we were warned in our "camp passports" that it was STRICTLY frowned upon if you went out of camp, or into the sea... which had many many many jellyfish....talk bout swimming with the enemy...)

DAY2:

activities started!
games and more games....
it was emaculately fun ^-^ esp when we did our cheers, right guys???!!

1. 2. 3.

YOUR SO FAT!
SO WAT?
SO FAT?
SO WAT?
SOOOOOSOOOOOO oFATTTT!!!

* note we're not being spastic, but...our team was called Sophat square.

DAY 3-4: simple summary...

lots of praise and worship lots of programs lots of food lots of washing up lots of packing lots of friends....

but, i kind of fell into a slumber-like state, feeling almost depressed.
Maybe cos i knew everyone was leaving and hated to part with friends.
Maybe cos what i initially set out to established was some how lost along the way.

Yet, i know that even if my faith doesnt hold, even if i occasionally stray far far far away...
he would love me unconditionally, as i love him too.

In my father's name. I hold you in my praises.

2006-04-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

with life comes challenges,
with challenges comes intent.
with intent comes love,
with love comes devotion.

Just back from my easter camp trip and well, i'm still tripping on under-sleep and over-eating.
For once, a camp that had plentiful food and much much more. thanks to my CG who had an endless supply of food.

One thing i've gained during that time is a little verse...

Psalm 28:

"to you, O lord, I call;
my rock be not deaf to me,
lest , if you be silent to me,
i become like those who go down the pit.
....

Blessed be the lord!...my strength and shield;
in him my heart trusts, and i am helped;
my heart exults,
and with my song i give thanks to him."

2006-02-05T04:52:00.000-08:00

been a long and crazy date. with flu and fever and many unidentified problem.
and it ended with a big bang.
Fell down smack flat. broke my tooth in half, scratched my face, and have a swollen thumb the size of a ping pong ball. No jokes there.
Swollen is the joint that got bitten by the dry earth.
Cracked and gone is the tooth that tried to be as one with this earth.
Still in tact but not going anywhere is the brain that could have been smashed...

sometimes i wonder if i'm lucky or plainly unlucky.
but the thing i noe is that i thanked god that nothing else went wrong.
puzzles me too.
but my faith is growing.
for all i've done wrong, prob this is like a payment of kind.
to atone for whatever i've done, will do and have to do in future.

the song that flooded my mind as i got on my fateful bike on the way backwith a swollen hand...
~DooO DDooo DOoo DOooo...Be Happy...

2006-01-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

Stuck in a dead job, but at least there's friends to be reckon.
For such a big retail store, you would wonder why they would only have, get this, 11 recovery staff for the whole entire store.
Had andy ask us yesterday, if your free help out at toys. yar. right. we did eventually, without trying to dodge behind walls, the usual acts of reluctant workers.

Maybe I'm getting too old really. All my colleagues are either married, getting there or gay. On a serious note, their all my age.

Recommended age of marriage when i was 10: 26
Recommended age of marriage in my mind: 28-30.
Recommended age to have kids:30-32.
Being forced to stay home as a housewife: Never
Killing my husband for straying while i'm having a kid: Priceless

Something's money come buy, for others...they come with a tag which you put on it after the items sold.

Expandable value i call it.

Been a long while since i last blog.
It amazes me that my english hasnt depreciated with value, as did my life value.
Hopefully i get the job on wed as the billigual writer. although i remain highly concern at the fact that my chinese is crap and i cant write chinese without the software njstar.

Problem 1 to cross: stop being a prissy about things. People if they want to publish their nude photos are free to do that. only thing they should be worried, to catch a cold, stalkers and errie stuff that go BUMP in the night.
They would not have a care about: Bad reputation as any reputation is a good one. People who bad mouth them, as if they were ever spoke of only goes to show that people have thought and considered them prior to that.

On another note, my honey's gone back to brissy...
Why why why didnt you consider a defacto w me? haha. arent you the popular one.
But, like we've said, it was a dog year when we met (12 years old) and a dog year once again (24years).
Time flies when you've having fun.
Had cookouts at my place and seriously seriously YUmmy food.
Nasi Lemak, Pineapple rice, bak kut teh...wat cant this woman cook.

****

Life at this point seems : Bleak
Mood: Tired and alittle uncompassionate, but trying.

Btw, princess and the pauper (piper) are Sooo Cute!
am i a sucker for animals...
Will load pictures soon.

2006-01-14T18:14:00.000-08:00

SPGs and women who are too full of themselves.
maybe its just me, i find this alittle over the top sometimes.
If you are articulate, beautiful, and able to attract, why do you use this against yourself?
1. Women tend to act the part of the hurt and down party, using tears as weapons (we noe that, cos i've been there, although it was more of genuine hurt and to get away from whatever was hurting me). But i've known at least on a subconscious level, tears are effective.
2. Why get any guy when you can choose the guy you want? (but then again, if you have the looks, the guys flocking to you would be a different sort, making it a different choice). Note, Xiao Xue, the SPG girl and Dawn Yeo. (although i dont find it wrong to better yourself, looks or attitude wise, or am i a self-righteous B*****, but maybe just maybe there are better ways to dealing with your stuff?)

then again. i'm not in too much of a league to be talking about these.

Sometimes it makes me wonder, superficially goes hand in hand with attention and popularity.
Even when i least feel like, I would try to attempt at making my friend feel comfy by talking (or maybe i'm annoying) cos my rationale remains, if that can make them smile. Y not?

Oh yar. rent's due on monday.

2006-01-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

fell....into a thorn bush. not sure if its poisonous or not but my wounds are swollen and painful.
hate....liars and ex-lovers.
reprise....myself for being silly and naive in many many many thing.
love....the people who stay by myside when i'm all alone.
unable....to stand on my two feet when everything seem too bleary
strength.....with devotion to what i strongly believe in
forgive....me father, for i've not been there
here....if you can see me

Life goes on and on and on. Cyclical and redundant. gotten myself into alot of mess.
maybe things will clear up soon.
spending money faster then i can earn it.
^-^
lots of Lovely clothes.
gotten into that O' so feminine mode.

Love those dresses that has laces and are corset like.
Looking after my friend's pup and baby kitten.

New Year Resolution:
to not give up so easily over matters i hold close to heart
to be happy all and by myself
to make more friends -_- as its habitual for me to shy away.
to speak up when i'm not happy -_- another big obstacle.

LAstly! to love all the things that make me happy!! my art, jewellery-making, cakes....
OOoOHhhh there's cheese cake in the fridge...
Home-made ^-^

2005-11-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

A copy of my performance.
Cheers to you guys who came to watch.
My loves ^-^ L and G.
You guys rock my world.
Soooo happy everyone came up to tell me i was good.
and the place is so funky... "the playroom".
Stand up comedy...Russell Peters, you are all it!
But then again,
it was a good experience, everyone loved it and came to
slap me across my back. Happy that disregarding my
Asian Asian Na Na crap in my script...
it worked.
Beautifully. ^-^

Reminds me of the fundraiser gig i did.
So nervous on stage, but cassie and paul ...you dears.
All my nerves held and even though it was chinese/eng
popish crap in front of a white audience who was waiting
for the ultimate show rock bands...i applaud you guys
for applauding me.
and the thumbs up from tt cute caucasian guy, "your good,
sweetie..." made my dae.
*blush*

anyway. read my crappy script. it wld be better if i read it.
Hope to have another chance soon to do this in person.

Oh! and we're going to set up a bistro/cafe!
Although i'm the hard labor partner, and Fay's the money
mommie...i hope things work out
Our art cafe. Fusion Fix-cafe.
^-^ hope pple wld appreciate our art.

***

Voice Over:

Sings: Rainbow connection song

Why are there so many…songs about rainbows?

What’s on the other side?

Rainbows are visions, but only illusions…

And rainbows have nothing to hide…

Let me tell you a story. Long long time ago, there lived a little girl. She was placed under a spell and could only say things that people wanted to hear.

“Even when burnt your cooking still is the best!” (pinches nose while speaking)… “That mole on your forehead means your lucky” (twists imaginary mole on face and nods as if in deep thought)… “Your hair is beautiful even with streaks of yellowish green and purple.” (furrows eyebrows).

Sometimes she would cry to herself and think; maybe this is how life should be. One day, she thought aloud that she would rather pull out her hair then face another superficial person. The people in the streets stopped and stared. She had freed herself. The witch cried, but everybody just wants to hear nice things. It is expected (Shrill voice). The girl replied. I am but me.

***

*comes down from the top of chair, sits normally, but in the most ugly posture. Legs wide open and pushes so that chair rocks to and fro

Have you seen this girl? I saw her yesterday. The same black hair, yellow skin, brown eyes. Yet, she’s white. Inside and out. She, I, we… are one and the same.

***

*clears throat: sits down quietly with legs apart.

Hi, How are you today? (Sweet voice, a little pitchy in sound).

(Soft, unassuming, almost shy in texture).–In Chinese

(gentle, yet confident in nature). – In Cantonese

***

I had a voice. Sweet…(drags voice tenderly), soft… (lowers voice), gentle… (smoothes out voice), squeaky… (squeak like texture) and vulnerable (breathless quality) in places.

A voice that spoke of tender loving care (glassy look in eyes). One of fiery passion (brings fist up, clenched stance) that ran through my veins where a pulsing heart bled often for soap operas.

I was a die hard romantic. Loving everything a woman could possibly love. Men, children, friends. High tea, cleaning, gossiping….

I had the voice of a woman (strong voice that fades away slowly). Now it seems my voice has broken...

***

(Walks to the front of stage, almost as if to reveal a big secret).

Let me tell you this. Not many people know about our little secret but…We (pause pensively), Asians (spoken slowly with eyebrows raised) are actually a tightwad bunch (speed up as if for fear the secret might be leaked out to unsavoury sources, finger raised in a gesture of partially covering mouth). We have rules that you don’t know about. We call them family obligations. I call them the irrefutable Asian Traditional Commandments.

1. Never talk when your father, uncle, brother or husband does not require your input.

2. Women rank third in a family. One being the man, two being the family pet.

3. Men who are rich should be considered solely because they would make good providers. More importantly, they are rich. Most parents would love to have their children happily married off in return for a fat wad of money. However, this would never replace their love. Only make their loss a bit more bearable.

4. Love is never fair. Some of us have more then jealousy to cry over. We have Real Problems (emphasis on the R and P initials). Namely arranged marriages and domestic violence that we can’t speak of due to family reputation.

5. Walk freely under ladders and in front of a black cat. Ladders are inanimate and cats would only scratch the living hell out of you. Of course, be very afraid if the ladder or the cat decides to jump over the coffin of your loved one. That’s Chinese superstition for you (Clicks Tongue).

6. Adultery is fine if you’re a man. Your wife will only cry and return with additional sympathy for the fallibility of man and lust. If you’re a woman, you’ll be given the sack without repent. But be thankful that these are modern times; if not you would have to hang yourself to preserve... Pause Your husband’s family honour.

7. Chivalry remains. Men still open doors for women, who are carrying their children or the grocery. Man still help out with the housework. By lifting his feet up when she’s cleaning nearby (swiftly lift one foot off ground). Man also assists in the kitchen. Mostly in encouragement as he bellows out, “Where’s my dinner? I told you I want it at 6pm sharp. Don’t make me go there…”

8. An Asian wife could potentially be a good singer or debater. She could convince you solely by dragging the sound of words. This would be extremely good when bargaining or for getting out of trouble. Noooo laaaa…(Word is dragged for dramatic irony) means you are wrong and I am right. Yaaaaa Laaa…I’m not listening to what you’re saying, but I’II pretend that I am. Okkkkay laaa…I’II do what you say but I still think I am right.

9. Asian women are fortunate. They just have to follow what they are told. Don’t need to be too clever, men don’t like to be challenged, at least not out of the bedroom. Don’t need to be too pretty; men don’t like other men coveting after their wives. Only they have the right to do that.

10. Never trust what a woman says, be she your mom, sister, lover or me.

***

Mom and expectations (matter of fact tone).

Its’ an Asian thing (with a sweeping gesture of the hair, as if to sweep the idea aside).

*Mom’s voice, tainted with her usual Singlish accent. Hands on hips, finger wagging in disapproval

“Aiyoh. Ling ah, Dunnn follow your brother. Like a tomboy. Why can’t you be like your sister. Sooo Ladylike. Cross your legs! (insistent voice). Girls with legs opened like that will grow up to be very naughty…”(voice drifts away).

*cocks head to one side, eyebrows furrowed together

“ Girl ah. Dunnnn play with your brother’s toy! (emphasize on the Don’t. Drag the sound. Harsh yet concerned voice) Why cant you play with your barbie. Not toy soldiers!?” (appears to be deep in thought while taking a deep breath). I twisted his little arm off and nodded a crooked smile.

*Awkward silence as actor eyeballs the audience through the semi darkness

She could go on and on and on (slow down and drag the Ons). Don’t do this, don’t do that. ! Don’t talk with your mouth open. . (Scrunches mouth up in a defiant gesture before allowing it to fade into a blank stare). I gave in. I became me. A me I didn’t know, didn’t care for. One who ate, sat, slept on its on accord. Mom was proud (drags voice).

“yarrrr”, she would tell the relatives.

“She is sooooo obedient…no la no la. Not taught by me. Natural for her. Yarrrr. Now easier to find her a good husband”.

***

Husbands and love (pensive voice, almost as if trying to decide whether to buy something - quizzical tone) Love of self, him, her, me. Who? (Quickly spoken. As if confused by choices. Emphasize on Who).

I want love… (emphasize on last few words as if to take an order. Authoritative)… (words spoken quickly in succession) Fluffy, romantic. Passionate, fiery. Tragic, all-consuming (to feel as if the ideas are overwhelming).

Mom says if I turn twenty-eight without a man in sight, she would match-make. A better way of saying, I’II arrange a man because you’re stubborn, unladylike and Unwanted…(voice drifts away) According to her, my shelf life is up and my life, half over. I just turned twenty-three.

Relationships should not be a battle (voice becomes low and scruffy sounding). Ready, Steady, Go (voice of Referee). FIGHT! Scream! Round 1. You what! Down (gestures with hand, pointing towards the floor). 3, 2, 1... I, You, Her, What?! (quickly spoken, voiced raised in exasperation). (With excitement. Hand waving up and down swiftly).... Bing! I want a divorce… and that shirt off your back (pronounced venomously, slowly).

Woke up today, flopped over and grabbed the untouched bedspread I tucked and kissed goodnight. Its soft silkiness that cooled my touch (a tinge of sadness in voice). A person to cuddle and warm my feet against. A feeling of toastiness. No one who loves the 2-faced freak and ugly child. No little freak to kiss my monstrosity to sleep. No?

Maybe mom’s right (resigned tone). Love may never come into the equation (spoken quickly, as if calculating like a mathematician). Input might not be output. Therefore to cut potential losses, I’II look for profits. A rich husband (points with finger at audience and smile wryly). Latch myself on him and get true love when I’m rich! (as if giving a how-to-get-rich-quick lecture) I can be as manly or wild as I want, when I have that 24-carat diamond stuck to my fingers (wiggles fingers frantically as if to display a ring). If mom didn’t need love, grandma didn’t need love, why should I? (almost cunning thought, spoken slyly).

In fact, why don’t we do as old, and reach for a club and smack your love over the head (swinging motion with fist).

Women! Let your hair down. Men! Drag her back to your cave. Of course, in reality, life is much more complex. You could be sued for sexual harassment and be put into your 2-by-4 cave.

***

*smiles and make to sit back down abruptly, still staring at audience

People people people. Look at you…fat, short, skinny, tall, pretty and… Plainly_ Average (spoken quickly in succession, deliberates and points to self at Plainly_average. Slowly spoken, letting the words roll slowly over tongue). But all of us, share two things. Heritage and television. My heritage (emphasizes on words and points at self) comes in a all-you-need to know lecture form (almost exasperated sigh). My mom.

As I grew up (soft lecture like voice, as if teaching one’s children about the birds and the bees), mom was replaced by the teacher I spent the most time with, the TV. (drag voice, as if sharing a mutual secret with the audience – as if “you know what I mean, Wink Wink”). TV taught me what mom wouldn’t… undesirable knowledge like the birds and the bees, and women who spoke too loudly about divorce and rights (whisper-like voice, as if sharing a dirty secret).

Lessons with mom… (story-telling voice) came in whiffs of no, yes, , _____________, you mustn’t.

As an Asian girl (spoken quickly, as if to saying something patriotic and heartwarming – like the national anthem), I have to be respectable and demure. If not, people would say ______________, where my family didn’t teach me well (disgruntled kind of voice). As an Asian girl, I have to understand my place (softer tone, almost lamenting). To be devoted at home. Never laugh aloud in public (words pronounced slowly, venomously. Almost with hatred, loud then soft). Respectable and demure (strongly spoken, but slowly. Fades away).

But, I need to step out. Out of my shell, my comfort, my box of expectations. To shed the clothes that bind my soul (takes off coat). To be rid of the 6-inch shoes of old that cripple my feet (makes a kicking motion of feet).

My tongue is part of my voice. My voice is part of my body. My body is part of my life. I no longer have to hold my tongue. Sweeten my voice (soften voice). Give my body (stretch hand out in gesture of giving). Forsake my life (stares at audience momentarily).

I speak my mind as I see fit (excitement in voice, building). I wear as much or as little as the weather allows. I jump up and down without blushing, climb trees and mountains, swim in seas and journey into the unknown (joyous look upon face, as if imagining every single detail). The taste of sweetness (deep breath). Free, freedom, Freed.

* Makes a faint attempt to curtsy and stare defiantly.

2005-09-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

another day out lived and faded as quickly as they came. Somehow things been running around me, and yet i never seem to have time to do anything properly. Friendships, would-be-relationships, homework, life in general. Yadayada. all seems rubbish at this point in time.
Time to prioritize what i want exactly.
Yet, i cant return back to singapore anywhere soon, just because i have to get PR in order to stay in mellyland.
What's so great about here?
been wondering that for the past 3/1/2 years, and i can safely say, its because it feels like home now.
Yah. here's my home, because of the time and the laughter and the sadness all spent out here.
My friends, love and hate, all lived out down under.

Although i must say that sometimes i dun seem to fit in, culturally that would be, where you would have to reiterate what you just said because people cant understand your accent, but most of the time i simply love it here.
Besides the fact that in singapore, i have my 24-7 chee chong fan, chicken rice, roti prata with sugar and curry...OooOOoo yes, i do believe maybe i would like to settle here.
Been to Sydney over the last week i think, was kinda broke as usual but it went well. Turned out to be an eating expedition rather then the climbing and trekking ones i fancy. But we ate at the Rocks' Pancake parlour (Yumm!) they had savoury and sweet pancakes, which were so gorgeous, (although when i got back i had to work extra harder in the gym) but... apparently the choco pancakes were actually using cake mix to create that fluffy thickness, topped off with the beautiful blueberry sauce and home-made icecream, this was a treat.

Then on we went to Bills cafe, where the upside down pancake with pear...was YUM. as well as the corn fritters. should really get some photos up, prob on friendster. But, the corn fritters were like baked patty cakes that were crispy and yet not so sickeningly sweet. and the pear....
ok ok . given my track record for only eating one meal aday, i was surprised that i could actually stomach everything, probably cause we were walking all over the place, and we got up at 11am (or rather i did, for a suntan at the swimming pool below our hotel). The trip was pretty much fulfilled i reckon.

The last dining place that struck me as gorgeous was kylie kuangs. Not that i'm a fan of her tv show, although S insists her mom would be so jealous noeing that her daughter has eaten there. But, boy is the restaurant DUA PAI. we actually went back twice, after missing the first nite's dining experience due to sheer lateness ( 8pm was considered too late, and a no-no to be seated....last serves were at 9+ and...the rest was history). The next night, we were there by 7pm, and were told, dinner seats would prob be available at 8.30.... So off we hauled to a pub, where...check this out, i used S's IC cause i didnt possess a driving license and she used her driver's permit to enter. It was hilarious, and i'm no excitement seeker but that was one intense moment.

Bouncer: 'Cuse me, let me see some ID.
Me: (mutters) Sure. [glances at S and K nervously]
Bouncer: Hm.....Hmm... [looks at the rest, especially eyeballing S]
Me: (under my breathe) Die Die Die...
Bouncer: Hm...looks like you've grown your hair long.

Simplicity in a nutshell. I swear i had brought my IC, only prob was cause of our dressing for the night out later, i hadnt brought my wallet, only my little itty bitty pouch. o.O
But...the guys got hung on this cute guy behind the bar, while i spent my time gazing through the cocktail menus. There was this drink that struck me as exotic. it was something blush...but it had squashed lemons, lime and strawberries inside, topped with vodka i think.
that was a girly drink, and it looked really pretty. but all things aside, when we went back after the one half hr wait, ...we waited half more. Just because, and only because they didnt have enough seats.

Reputation wise, i'ii give the place 100% for being solid bout not admiting people.
Service wise another 100% for trying at least to meet the clients needs and the weird salad for their apologizes.
Food wise...100%, because i was Soo hungry, i couldnt really tell how wonderful the food were, only that the san choy bao (lettuce wrapped mushroom minced meat thingy ) was gorgeous and so was the tangerine duck.

Other then these...its 0% for their Dua Pai ness.... Really really Dua Pai.
But thats what a business can do and what it will.
Eventually i'ii set up my own little cafe. One can only be hopeful at this point.

~Someday we will be who we desire to be.~
*the bluest cloud is you - album by Mariel.W (in the works)*

2005-09-26T04:44:00.000-07:00

another beautiful hol dispensed with. thinking about lots of things lately, some i've done, have not done, would not and simply could not have accomplished.
Things are good lately, regular / NOT gigs at chilli padi, and the occasional perks like the sydney trip where we spent quality time, just the meanies and me... well. its been a while i must say. You guys... YOu guys, mean the world to me.
Maybe i've just gotten distant because i've closed up emotionally, not that i dun have pple who care, (once again thanks for coming over for my birthdae steam boat...considering it was so last min...you guys rule!) and of cos the meanie gang. you guys, also rule. had the greatest time, of cos minus K's constant farting and S's squealing from getting "molested" by her hubby....i am in no position to comment -_-. Just tt L and me, we had the quietest and most peaceful sleep side by side, aint i right? luv yar girls.
wish i could go back sg when the end of the year rolls round, when everyone's gone and left me behind with my brother. So sad. but then i guess you'ii all come back soon i hope.
then my PR is another worry. wat if i cant get it?
watever the case, i'm sure, if i put my heart and mind to it, it'ii work out. Though i cant say much bout relationships. aint we all happier the way we are? just being ourselves? happy and free?

~the bluest cloud is you...

"for now, i hold my peace and hope that at least everything i believe and hold close to heart will not be broken once again...like the cheap fragile pieces of a cracked china".

2005-08-11T23:52:00.000-07:00

just been wondering lately. things never seem to go right as and when you want it to go in that particular direction.
feeling a little lost in every sense of the word. almost floating over air...
maybe its time to just live alone and not be so deliberate about things i'ii lose, things i could possibly regret.
just do it, as always it should be.
one thing i never understand is why people can be so emotionless.
towards things of passion, words of love, faces of desire and allure.
everyday just passes with nothing much to do, or nothing you would want to say to each other.
things just go pass.

having this wonderful class called writing for performance which i had mistaken taken.
initially thought it to be a scripted class for the theatric-learner, it turned out to be much much more like acting class.
although i have to say my teacher knows nuts to start with, and we watch weird shows of nothing but a blackened mouth sprouting nonsense on tv...well. thats the way our subject goes.
besides i have but 2 days a week.
wat am i complaining about.

2005-07-08T06:07:00.000-07:00

a long road trip, murdering two kangas, mom and baby (i cried but i figured maybe it was for the better).

Began the trip with our progression down the scenic melbourne Great ocean road, where after the turns and twists, i was prepared to vomit out whatever i had for breakie. None of us had slept the previous nite, i did catch maybe 20 winks and that was it, but we had a little guzzle of beer and so, emotionally we were a little high still. Met up with a couple of friends at Werribee, before journeying down the Great Ocean Road. It was indeed breathtaking, especially the shots, although like dodo birds, we sat on the edge of the cliff awaiting for the sun to descend so that we could get excellent shots of the would-be bathed in sun beams apostles and the tiny stretch of beach that accompanied them. (It was regrettably incredible when we discovered that a few days after our photo-taking, another of the stone marvels had crashed and burned).

With the first night coming to an end, we camped out at Grampians at Makenzie falls, and advice for the hardcore roadtripper- Never Never sleep in the car at night, it only gets colder inside. You're better off sleeping outdoors with the beautiful stars and snakes.

When daybreak arose, we discovered that everything was iced-over, and the weather the previous night had dipped below subzero. The people, such and me, whom had invested in a tropical blanket had the worse night and least sleep, where i awoke at around 415am, and started gathering firewood for our fireplace.

Following that, we ascended Wonderworld at the Grampians, where we walked off the beaten track, and ventured beyond. Finally after much bashing, we discovered that we had taken the opposite route of Wonderworld and had basically come full circle of the mountain range. We descended back down the popular route that was indeed breathtaking (even though it was the second time i had been up there).

The night was once again spent in the wild, although this time we were more cautious and built up tents and had kerosene lamps on to prevent stray animals.

With the dawn of the third day, we made our way to Kangaroo Island which we had wanted to explore. Upon realizing that it was 7 times bigger than Singapore, we decided that we'ii be back during the September break to do it. (that was first time we experienced murphy's law throughout the trip, and where we were stuck at the door of our destination). Following that, we began travelling down to Flinders Ranges in Adelaide, and when dark came, we had many visitors, known as the kangas of the wild. It seemed that the South Australia Kangaroos are attracted to lights, especially that of the car's head beams and many occasions we had to sway off the road to avoid them - they seemed to head straight for the light, in a daze. However, after our dinner at Hawker's Town, and with high morals, we had set off down the road. Not too far down, the other car came to a haul, and we got down to check. A mother kangaroo had apparently jumped in from the left and hit the hood of the car, and flew off towards the side of the road. That i had not known, if not i would not have approached. The first shock- seeing a huge kangaroo with its neck broken, lying dead on the side. The second shock - a baby joey still apparently breathing with its last breath, twitching momentarily from the pain. The third shock - the car's hood was smashed in (later we realized the radiator, the cooler and condenser were all beyond repair = it costs a whopping $1950 to fix it up).

In any case, we felt really bad about this, and some of us returned to bury the kangaroos. During that expedition, the car which had been left on to shine light on the area of burial, had slowly began to dim. One of my friends Aw pointed that oddness out, and the owner Kai went "Oh Shit" and...the battery died. Back at Hawker's Town, trying to solve the problem of the car and the route back as the car might not be able to function properly, we got that news, and that was when murphy visited us the second time.
In retrospection, if we had gone Kangaroo Island, we would have been playing with them and not murdering them. This incident certainly remains the highlight of the trip with its twisted end.

Anyway, we didnt ascend Flinders ranges, and the next best thing that we did after fixing up the car with DIY techniques, we proceeded to Mungo Desert that was a beauty in itself. From its dunes, to the sand ripples and the mini sand storms, it seemed that we had entered into another dimension all together. One of brown and grey and no longer green, with humans all over the place. With the departure of the second car that went back to Melbourne, we proceeded down to Sydney, then Wollongong. The highlight of the trip, the death of the Kangaroos seemed to have erased the Grampians trip in our minds. The greenery, the forestry and all the wood that simply died and regenerated through giving life to others. Maybe everything dies for a reason, and even murphy is right once in a while. From misfortune, things that we expect to go right that goes horribly wrong, we still gain an experience. Maybe things are not that bad anyhow.

2005-06-20T01:07:00.000-07:00

An email i came across, that was sent by a sg friend whom i hadnt talked for ages, or met...
things do change, and i've grown alot over the years, as i'm sure she did,
but this email touched a chord in my heart, that at the end of the day, regardless of whatever trials we go through, love will conquer it all. that maybe the person beside you is the one, but you never noticed...the sad truth of it all. things you dont treasure might actually give you the most fulfilment.

(its lengthy, but it made me cry)...

==

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped
in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out
of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then
plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid,
I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were
steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a
civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost
at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was
more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from
behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was
the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs. Her
words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife
said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.
Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my
wife. But I couldn t help doing so.

I moved Dew s hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture,
O.K.? I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was
unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the
moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used
to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter
how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly,
she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was
sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched
TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew s
body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what
will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word.
Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from
her. I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was
serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the
staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide
something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She
gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live
together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve got something
to tell you, I said.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly.

She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly, why? . I m serious. I avoided her question. This so-called
answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at
me, you are not a man!

At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she
wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly
give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She
glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart.
The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger
one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected
to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of
divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and
clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her
writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I
found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything from me,
but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in
the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was
simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she
didn t want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do
you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?
This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me.
I nodded and said, I remember . You carried me in your arms , she
continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your
arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you
must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished
to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face
the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made
me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when
I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son
clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought
me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the
door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes
and said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell our son. I nodded,
feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to
wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse.
I realized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a
long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine
wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside garden is being
demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were
still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The
visualization of Dew became vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as,
where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc.
I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.

I didn t tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried
quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, All my
dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was
because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because
I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart.
Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to
touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it s time to carry mum out. He said.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential
part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him
tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at
the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom,
through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck
softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our
wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.
Our son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope you will hold me
in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn t notice that our life
was lack of such intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid
any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew
opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I m
serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no
fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can
only say sorry to you, I won t divorce. My marriage life was boring
probably because she and I didn t value the details of life, not because
we didn t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I
carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to
hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed
the door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the
office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my
wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the
greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I'll carry you out every morning until we are old...

***

Sweet. wish i could say the same. i'ii be there for you always.

2005-06-18T04:31:00.000-07:00

Road trip Road trip...
looks like, i need to get more sleep now, incase i screw up in the cold.

here's the likely timetable, all planned and served on a silver platter.

26th of June (Sunday)

- 2000hrs 1st Group to Leave Wollongong for Melbourne (Only applicable to those moving off from Wollongong.

27th of June (Monday)

- 0200hrs Reach Albury for Rest and Refuel
- 0530hrs Reach Werribee to Rest and Refuel and have breakfast and await for 2nd Group to arrive (Werribee, about 27 km south-west of Melbourne, is midway on the Princes Highway to Geelong. It is situated on the Werribee River, which has its headwaters north of Ballan.)

- 0630hrs Arrival of 2nd Group and reorganize
- 0700hrs Leave for the Great Ocean Road
- 0800hrs Stop by at Torquay to shop and look for information and maps from the Info center
- 1000hrs Arrive at Otway National Park, explore the place till 1300hrs (have lunch there)
- 1300hrs Leave for Port Campbell, explore the place till sunset at around 1730hrs
- 1800hrs Leave for Warrnambool
- 1900hrs Arrive at Warrnambool, Rest and Refuel and have dinner there, then leave for Dunkeld
- 2030hrs Arrive at Dunkeld, search for a campsite in the Grampians

28th of June (Tuesday)

- 0630hrs Rise and Shine, Pack up camp and have breakfast. Spend the rest of the day till 1730hrs (maybe earlier) exploring the Grampians. Get information from Hallgap’s info center about the Grampians’ attractions.
- 1730hrs Have dinner and head towards Adelaide and HOPE to find a cheap motel along the way to rest for the night. Be prepare to camp if no motel is found.

29th of June (Wednesday)

- 0630hrs Rise up, have breakfast and prepare to head into Adelaide City, but if motel is close to Adelaide City, we will rise at 0800hrs and spend the rest of the day till 1730hrs (maybe earlier) checking out the city.
- 1730hrs Have dinner and leave for Flinders Ranges
- 2200hrs Arrive at Flinders Ranges (Wilpena), search for a campsite.

30th of June (Thursday)

- 0630hrs Rise and Shine, Pack up camp and have breakfast. Spend the rest of the day till 1730hrs (maybe earlier) exploring the Flinders Ranges. Get information from Wilpena info center about the Flinders Ranges’ attractions.
- 1730hrs Have dinner and leave for Broken Hill and HOPE to find a cheap motel in there else head straight to Kinchega National Park and look for a camp ground.

1st of July (Friday)

- 0630hrs Rise and Shine, Pack up camp if needed, have breakfast and head for Mungo National Park
- 1000hrs Arrive at Mungo National Park and spend the rest of the day till 1200hrs exploring the National Park.
- 1200hrs Have Lunch and reorganize as 1st group departs for Wollongong and 2nd group departs for Melbourne.

1st Group should arrive Wollongong by 2230hrs 1st July
2nd Group should arrive Melbourne by 1900hrs 1st July

As it is...this is a likely plan.
My friend ends this plan with this little note, (his the one who planned it),
A plan is just a plan, we normally try to stick to it, but in most situation we can’t due to factors like being overly distraction by everything that we see along the way, waking up late in the morning and screwing the whole day’s timing up, getting lost and finding our way around, taking a long time to eat, breaking down of vehicles, injuries, meteor impact, Tsunami, attacked by kangaroos and koalas, alien invasion and many many many other variables that is beyond our control. From my experience in the pass road trips that I have done, the worst thing that can happen will happen, so be prepared. You may want to start off with writing your will.
so here's my legacy for posterity...if i dont return...its probably the cute koalas turned Fugly...or aliens have deemed me a social hazard and taken me back for experiments, or...i decided life's a bitch and have run off to join the circus...
Geesh.
such optimism.
I'ii enjoy it, i know...Man...How long havent i done anything exciting?

*rubs grubby paws together*

2005-06-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

another dae washes over.
tmw...rather todae.
i have the start of my 3 days internship.
pathetic...

dun feel like going.
its 2am,
i'm having an incredibly horrid stomach rebellion. prob stomach flu.
and, its been like this for a few days.
today...we did 2 movies.
the best shows i've watched in ages.

1. The assassination of Richard nixon...

Sean Penn...he is and always have been one of my fav actors, besides johnny depp that is.
brilliant in the portrayal of a mentally disturbed individual who refuses to lie or do anything that would constitute a lie.
in fact, he concludes, life is a big fat lie, and only the liars become the toppers.
the others, like him, remain at the pits,
trampled and spat upon. that all our rights are taken away,
that even being white (in his context, for i'm technically yellow),
he was effectively black. (no offense, but ttz wat he said).
and he actually suggested that the whites and blacks should work together,
to gather support against the rich, white, cadillac driving bastards of society,
and together, they would be called...the Zebras.

sounds almost time for a michael jackson's song *i'm black...i'm white...it doesnt matter if i'm black or white*~

but one thing i dun get.
his character, samuel Bikes (not sure if spelt it correct, but i caught the Bike- pronounced as Biggs...- from the tyre company his bro owned).
i reckon his jew cause i thought his bro was wearing the jewish cap.

yar...back to the thing i didnt get.
why, if in his words that we as people should never let another talk down to us, to belittle us,
savagely shoot and kill the airport pple?
and, he wrote to leonardo bernstein, who i believe is an orchestra conductor,
narrating and relating the reasons for his attempted assassination, which ended in a hijacked plane...
why, why, would he harm people if he was brought up on the belief that lying, and being belittled for his achievements was bad?

S says its cause of his state of mind, well... i guess i could give him credit for that.
but between you and me.
hurting others, killing others, does not constitute in a god given right.
deliberately taking away another's life by force is down right unforgiveable.

still remember the chilling scene of him pointing the gun at the guy with the car leak, and then at his friend bonny (again, not too sure bout the name).
and the other one, pointed at the groin of his ex boss under the table.
maybe, maybe...when a man reaches rock bottom, with separated wife, becoming Divorced wife...
no kids... (AND he shot the dog -_- Sobz...WHY?)
bro disowns him ...
no job. rejected for loan...all climaxed to his grand finale.
Just so that he would be remembered in future.

But sadly, even at the end,
the people important to him simply walked past the tv,
past the news of him hijacking and being killed in the process...
past the last heroic gesture of defiance against the world.

*we are but grains of sand...*
i do so agree.

the second movie...wow...how can i say? it was SUPER disjointed, but still a rather enjoyable ride.
2. Wong ka wai's 2046.

it was suppose to be a movie within a movie, i reckon.
tony leung (you...became old, but Oo so sexy still),
and zhang zi yi (as much as i dislike the fact tt you took over gong li, one of my fav actresses place, You are Hot...in this movie...)
this two...had well, a sizzling relationship where they basically flirted with disaster.
Although one thing i also didnt get in this movie.
WHY? why the reference to singapore? singapore, our small dot of a home country,
not that i don't love singapore, but...talking about gambling and prostitution and little malay men wearing sarong, is that what singapore is all about?

no... singapore is more than that. definitely. because i was born and bred there.

the show...well i loved it.
in true wong kar wai style.
brilliant!

my fav is still chung king express...
but, anything w tony, maggi, gong li, zhang zi yi, carina lau ...is a star studded cast.

Good stuff.

2005-06-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

time now ticks quickly.
went to smith todae, got myself a nice nike thermal vest.
baby blue,
just the way i like it.
dinner at boba.
ate nasi lemak w curry and chai tao quay.

not in the best of moods lately.
sick and out. washed out rather.
weary now.
trying to be positive about everything,
my laughs, my smiles have diminished.
falling back in routine,
a nasty feeling ttz returning to tear me.

i want to talk to you face to face.
that you can see me for who i am
that you will know that i can feel and i'm can hurt.
but then its part of the phase.
you know it, as i do.
something pls. i'm trying.

even if i were to tell you how much i truly felt,
can you feel it?
can you understand?

you who are so impt to me.
you want to be free, thats what you have.
maybe its just me and my sentimentality.
maybe its just me once again.

i'ii leave you alone,
concentrating on what you want to do,
because i know you never want to lose, never want to fall short of that goal you set.
and i wish you all the best, and all my love.

on a more pleasant note,
things will get better soon.
with the band forming and playing for the first time.
and the trip thats going to happen soon.
it'ii get better,
even if your not here.
when i need you,
although i'm alwaz here when you need me.
just ask, tell me.

2005-06-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

too distracted to do my work, so here am i blogging again.
this whole week's been shitty. and i feel i'm drifting again.
mind cant whirl around fast enough.
1 more essay to go, 3000 and counting backwards.

things you might not know about me:

i hate being alone - but also that being alone becomes less lonely when your single with no attachment, but when your with someone, your mind keeps turning that way.

i dislike people who promise one thing and never carry it out.
For the last time, if i say i want it nulled, i want it nulled. stop avoiding the question. if what Riche says is true, it doesnt matter if i stay because you who condemn people are not worth any compliments.
So wat if B. B thinks i dun write well enough, so what if you say tt there's no chance in hell anyone would offer me a writing contract again. screw you. i just want out, even if no one else wants my songs. just because you cant tell the difference between pure emotions and professionalism.

your just superficial and that pisses me off.

ARGH.
and... one more thing.
i dislike, myself.
for not being as understanding as i would like to be.

and you.
why are you so sweet to me? i dun deserve it really.

2005-06-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

okok. a quick note.
2/1/2 down and 1/1/2 to go.
although that 1/2 and 1/2 is due in by 5pm. which is...hm...2 hrs from now.
incredible aint i?
as i recalled frm an old testi that kenn wrote,
mm, you amaze us with your ability to keep to schedules...

Last minute righteousness i say.
i just find that little bit of strength, created from an ounce of fear that i would not get my grade,
an ounce of sugar, knowing that once its done, my life would be o' so much sweeter,
an ounce of dedication that disappears with every word i type, and returns with every thought of what life would be when i'm done...
yes.

if you have not figured it out yet, the 1/2 and 1/2 does not equals to a pizza that can have 2 types of different dressings to it. but rather, my essay that i delibrately spilt down the middle...

anyway,
just got this from my cell group leader Alwin. its really encouraging...
and farnie if your not a christian.
but its worth a laugh.

The Students Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break
He restores my faith in study guides
He leads me to better study habits
For my grades' sake
Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades
I will not have a nervous breakdown
For thou art with me
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me
Thou givest me the answer in moments of blanknes
s Thou anointest my head with understanding
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognise
Surely passing grades and flying colours shall follow me
All the days of my examinations
And I shall not have to dwell in this exam hall forever.

-Brilliance!

"in your name i'ii cry when the darkness come, even though its 5.30pm.
when all seems lost, all i have to say, 'on the lights, damn it'
and you shall show me the way."

hate it that winter makes my days so short...
but what am i complaining.
i'm nocturnal.

Have you fallen for a personality?
someone just like you?
wry, cynical and o' so emotional?

2005-06-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

madness rules as madness wants.
the none relenting exploits of a proposal unmade.
i freaking hate it when stuff are due so soon. especially when the weeks melt away in thin sight just like that.

"she whispered to herself,
'now what am i doing here, because this was not as i remembered.'
The fallen leaves on the pavement looked crimson in their wake, sweeping in the billowing wind that drove them in swarms, circling their descinated area.
The house looked foreign. Untouched, and unwanted in its towering presence. A stranger in its own vicinity.
'now now...', a voice spoke from behind.
'your home and that's all that matters... the doctor says...your nerves...'
and that was all she heard.
nothing else could get pass her now. she was living the life she wanted, happily frolicking in the arms of the warmth provided by the sun. uprooting daisies and sunflowers as she ran.
the earth ate at her sandals, the worn out pair she had purchased ages ago, but never let them go as they held precious moments with her love. The sand that had gotten stuck on her heels. Lodged in silence.
'ling? ling?'
the voice brought her back.
she was at her new place. the place she moved in not too long ago...maybe a month or so.
a new life or so she thought.
being here did not help at all. all she could think of was to escape.
to be rid of the deafening silence that oppressed her."

- "it is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors...all art is quite useless" ~ oscar wilde (The picture of Dorian Gray, 1909).

2005-05-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

Interesting things bout being a Virgo:

Firstly, i'm suppose to meticulously neat and tidy. (Not!)

extremely clean and conscious. (NOT nOT! - only if i cant stand it anymore, although i've been known to help my ex clean up lots)

Green fingers ( face it man...i just killed yet another plant. cant understand how it can die of lack of water when i feed it every Dae. yes...everydae.)

They have a wonderful sarcastic sense of humour that can cut to the bone (OK...i am sarcastic...but i'm not Insensitive, although often maybe my jokes are abit cold, sooOoo pple just dun get it).

They love to point out mistakes and failings and thrill at the sense of superiority this gives them (Ok...this is not me. more like pple take the delight out of pointing my flaws out. NOTe...Kenn, S, n Ly. Yes... Mm and her MMism...). They are hypercritical, wry and fussy( hm... i'm anything but that i guess, i eat anything. WEll, not shit but i'm anything but fussy. you guys noe...i'm a push over. TTz y you love me...hehe). Many Virgoans are very lonely people. However their cold, cynical nature and lack of warmth is more than compensated for by their ability to organise (Lonely loney... everyone gets tt way i guess, but yar, i hate being alone. but, i'm far from organize...and i so do not lack warmth. well if your a complete stranger then too bad for yar, but, if yar a close fren, you shld noe. i'm vv warm).

Most people find this pedantic attention to detail a little strange even disturbing. It is! Virgoans are uninspired artists but make great censors, clerks, cleaners and train spotters( hm...does writing lots - words, music, lyrics - make me an UNinspired artist? ...and btw i hate being meticulous. zaps my enthusiasm).

Conclusion:

maybe i'm a libra after all. at least thats wat the symptoms sae. How can i be Virgo? although Celine believes otherwise. Wth. thinking bout it, quite interesting to wonder where the line of horoscopes and your own self cultivated nature diverge?

But then hor.

even that differs. see this other horoscope reading thingy. if yar not in da reading mood. SKIP SKIP SKIP.

The Virgo female usually has a strongly developed maternal instinct and makes for a very devoted wife and mother. Counted among the best housekeepers, she is economical and delights in having her home and personal belongings tasteful as well as elegant. This is a woman who will be extremely precise...even to the point of fussiness. Clean and chaste in thought, most Virgo females display expressions of purity and virtue. There is normally a certain fascinating sweetness lingering in the eyes and about the mouth. Females governed by this Sign love those who are pure in mind and who possess characters which are just and true. Thus, they tend to dislike the baser instincts associated with the male population and are apt to find marriage something of a disappointment. Nonetheless, the magnetism of the Virgo woman is very marked and once she has gained an influence over another person, she will rule absolutely. Although the heart of this female will not go out to the world in general, she is likely to be very loving and affectionate toward those of whom she is fond. If one single word could describe the Virgo woman, it would probably be discriminating. She demands action rather than words and quickly seeks commitment in any relationship.
With a love of finery, dress, society and display, women who fall under the jurisdiction of Virgo will resort to any honorable means in order to gratify their desires in these areas. Likely to be a leader of fashion...if circumstances permit...she will always show excellent taste in the selection of wearing apparel. These women harbor much respect for the beautiful coupled with an outstanding perception of color, which often develops into artistic talent and may be displayed in their use of a needle, brush and pencil. Floral arrangements and home decoration are their particular specialities. This female is blessed with a quick and accurate eye which enables her to excel in any profession which utilizes such gifts. This woman is not one to be trifled with and she truly knows what she is all about. It would be a grave mistake to underestimate this female. She will set goals and overcome any odds to achieve them. The most enlightened Virgo woman is one who has developed both her intellectual and spiritual sides. Such a female is extremely powerful, magnetic and charming...one who could possibly sway an entire nation, if not the entire world.
Acccommodating and adjustable, this woman may basically be a shy individual, but such will not deter her from overcoming life's obstacles. If some flaw or imperfection is perceived in a relationship, then she will have no hesitation in breaking the bond. When annoyed, females who fall under the jurisdiction of this Sign can be shrewd and fussy and they are certainly nobody's fool. However, this woman can be won over with grace and taste rather than physical charms. The approach to life here is direct. Virgo women can be pessimistic and critical souls but somewhat earthy in their judgments. This is one of the few female types of the Zodiac who can be trusted in every way. Often possessing the reasoning powers customarily associated with males, the Virgo woman refuses to adopt a veneer of helpless feminine charm...although she is usually feminine in appearance. Severe in her moral judgments, this woman is frequently good at hiding such, presenting a smiling face to the world and always pleasant on the surface. By no means a spoil-sport, being tolerant and wise in many ways, the Virgo female does possess such high standards for herself that she often seethes with inner tension. In addition, this woman will probably have a tendency toward hypochondria. She is so centered on being perfect that she is inclined to imagine ailments and diseases whenver she feels the slightest bit out of sorts. In truth, however, the Virgo female rarely requires medicine at all and usually lives a long and useful life...frequently appearing much younger than she actually is.
Intellectual by nature and blessed with a gift of language...or even the powers of a retentative memory which helps her pass examinations...this female is something of an academic type which can be threatening to many ordinary males. Nonetheless, this is a woman who does possess sex-appeal and is often counted among the prettiest females of the Zodiac. She will also be lively and vivacious well into old age. The woman governed by Virgo will have a quick and alert mind but can be something of a snob. Regardless, she respects all the old-fashioned virtues and is one of most subtle and delicately cast women of the entire Zodiac. As a mother, she will be relatively indulgent, taking infinite pains to understand her children. As a wife, she will constantly strive for perfection in every way...backing her partner in each endeavor while making every effort to be self-effacing.

Lengthy read *yawn* but yar, hm... sometimes what horoscopes sae seem conflicting rite.

another interesting thing to note:

Virgo people like making lists, a well-stocked medicine cabinet, self-improvement courses, punctuality, mimicking others, grooming themselves, taking showers, using nice soaps, dealing with details (no matter how minute or unimportant), tiny animals, helping others, and wearing well-tailored clothes in muted colors and textures

(REally? hm... i have a medi case, but ttz cos i fall sick quite frequently, ..and i dun mimick pple la. how annoying wld it be to have 100 pple like you? ttz so unoriginal. well... every person, i dunno bout the few who dun, EVERy one loves a pretty bath. nice smelling and delicious..., i like tiny animals and helping others, depending to wat degree of help that is required-nothing naughty tt is, and...clothes well, i like nice textured stuff, and a nice coat tt can fit for all ocassion. smart casual rather, or eccentric that is. depends on my mood, or dressy and sexy).

Virgos dislike crowds and noise, brash and unruly people, slang, vulgarity, slovenliness, dirty surfaces, people who whine and complain a lot, sitting still for a long time while doing nothing constructive, disrupted schedules, lids left off boxes or tops off toothpaste, being obligated to others, people who move their personal things about, hypocrisy and deceit, any admission of weakness or failure, and bright primary colors.

(hm... i like crowds and noise. all the better to observe pple, v interesting to hear wat they sae, you never noe when something interesting wld occur. and...well, i like purple, blue and yellow. if you mix pri colours, yar will get them bah. but, not really a bright bright colour person. depends on mood really. And, i find unruly pple annoying - i'ii tell them off if they irritate me enuff, or if i feel nice, i'ii just smile and let them go on, but then, sometimes their v interesting. hm...well, sitting still wout doing anything constructive is so me. tt wld be, click on and click off my kazaa and msn, toggling with my keyboard, staring at my work. A waste of good time. But, i'm not fuzzy bout stuff, you can leave the lids off stuff, i cant be stuffed. but, yar...Dun move my personal stuff, cos i cant find that. i rem my mom used to do it, sighsy. i miss my mommy...)

Ok. enuff for todae, droning on bout my horoscopes.

2005-05-25T04:41:00.000-07:00

another essay to conquer. did research on decadence and may i say this...it sucks.
got an internship at allen n unwin, though for a mere 5 daes -_- wonder wat good that will do...
but, shouldnt complain.

5 daes to go and counting... essay one due on 3rd june. then 4 more...yes, 4 freaking more due on 6th...
but after which my hols will start.
wish someone was here *blinkz*

anyhows anywhos...
apparently got a gig every fri... ^^introduced by my darling mommiee....
but then, seriously think my piano skills... maybe only vocal can be considered ok bah.
STill... i'ii give it my best shot!

feeling a little crappy though. although...my darling Celine, gave me a packet of snacks, From taiwan, its called something dou fu...suppose to be like mock beef... ohhh oohhh... but then, no mahjong man.
if got, i tell you, san que yi, i'ii still play!
itching to play man.

hopefully by the end of the year, when i go back to sg, things would work out well cos it'ii make me very happy.
like an emotional rollercoaster, so there's no need to take a real one (which is one of the things i dont do).
but, wld love to go back to visit my bestie...min min. muackz. hope your doing fine man, you dunno how freaking cold it is here. especially since its dipping at a low of 13 degrees.
soon i'ii become an ice pop and freeze my arse off in this freaking cold weather.

mary's over tonite. and we ate KFC -__- which was decadently...goodddd...(sinful sinful - quoting some intelligent person)
thanks man. your a saviour babe. and i love yar!!! *huggiez*
looks like i wouldnt be lonely tonite...hehehe...*rubs hand together in glee*

back to books. counting down to the time i'm done with this book crap.
til then...

2005-05-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

the first dae of my new life.
well well.
not as exciting as i thought it wld be,
but...
its dad's birthdae too.
24th may.

seriously seriously,
wat am i thinking?
maybe i shld open my brain to have it checked.
but, i think... you like me, and i...
So. the weirdest combi of people aint it?

laterz dude.

2005-05-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

is it possible to fall in love with someone while your miles and miles apart?
when you've only met that special someone, once?

even when you thought you had offended him long ago, and was pleasantly surprised with a hello eons later?

maybe i've grown fonder of myself to let me go.
maybe i've grown up more with experience and wisdom (not from a mere tooth),
maybe i've grown fonder of you.

still caught in limbo at present.
lots of dreams i want to start and go on with.
not willing to give up everything for someone over again, not because i cannot love,
but because i dont want to be hurt again.

how can you open up, without being hurt?

"when the darkness were to cloud your mind,
look up not in wonder,
because there are brilliant shades of colour,
that would guide and light your life.

Sing out loud your fears and desires,
just so no body can mistake you for someone who doesnt care.
Voice out all the wants that hides,
in the depths of a withered soul,
tainted with the tears of a fallen lover.
No more alone,
with him walking beside you,
where distance only shortens with knowledge,
and feelings binds the seeking heart.

Now you see that it was no trouble,
so sit back and relax,
watch the unravelling show,
not of freaks and circus acts,
but rather, the orchestra from deep inside one's being."

-For now.
I'II open up my heart and see what the future holds.
Pray tell not what it would be,
because you'ii never know.

2005-05-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

cOokies CookIes start with C ^^
just had another baking day. -_- experimented with large chunks of chocolate... wonder if its comparable to Arnotts' now? but then again... doubt it, but its nice to eat with cold milk anyway.

Tired...but assignments are due soon. Not too sure i'm glad that my education seems to be coming to an end rapidly. Very soon, i would not have to study or slog with exams anymore, but it'ii be work and toil. Not that i have not experienced that.
Until then, hope all's well go well ^^

2005-05-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

That particular poem was sent to me by a good fren, C.
You who i cherish and hold true, although sometimes my own barriers consume me.
those that i put up in defence,
those that surround me because i never let them down.

even until now,
i still hold my belief that with sincerity, with love, mountains can be moved.
things can change not because you want them to, but because those whom you touch would change for you.

its a little idealistic, but for now thats all i can do.
not hope but rather to enjoy whatever time i have,
because time is not what is leftover,
but an ongoing thing that would not exhaust til i breathe my last.

hoping to get a good internship next year,
and to secure a job, no matter how minute in status it would be.
exams are coming and work is crushing.

had an enjoyable ball last friday,
although i must say having one on a cruise was the first i ever experienced.
met two new friends and old friends.
its when you think people dont care, that you realize they do.
if you can open that tattered heart of yours to look, to receive.

feel horrid for my continuous absence on fris.
i know its my own fault because i had choices and i chose not to go.
1 minute a day, i'ii do that.
just because i know you would only want me to get stronger,
and not crumble under pressure.

had someone comment on me.
free-spirited.
doing as i please.
the confidence and craziness to do anything i want.
i hold true to the second one, just because it makes me happy.
to eat as much as i want, just because i didnt want the waiter to keep carrying so much food around (or so i say),
to be spontaneous because it makes the people around me laugh.

soon i'ii be out of school and on with my life.
until then, i hope with all my heart that i'ii enjoy this phase.
more and more with time passed.

2005-05-12T05:13:00.000-07:00

after awhile, you learn the subtle differences
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
And presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
For plans and the future have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile, you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,
you really are strong, you really do have worth..

And you learn, with every goodbye, you learn

...Veronifa A Shoffstall..

2005-05-05T03:33:00.000-07:00

its a thoughtful observation that men find women more desireable when they are non-responsive.
even when they have everything they could possible want.
booze,
a loving woman.
a comfy seat.
play station.
good friends.

and the list goes on and on.

in my experience,
i've had this guy bug me over a couple of weeks to be my friend, and i really dont know what to think.
is it my appearance that his interested?
my wit?
the way i write?

basically it all boils down to one question,
men want women they desire and once they get them,
its after another skirt and bye bye to you.

why love then if its that easy?
had the most hilarious experience the other day when i went to class.
my teacher marion (whom i've mistaken for over half a semester as my old creative writing teacher) mentioned the idea that diaries are kept in the hopes of being read.
now now...
this was drawn from a literature text written and based on a dream of the OLD queen elizabeth.
The most interesting thing was that it seemed, power was the main attraction,
not looks, not articulation, not eloquence.
in the dream, elizabeth was a fragile old woman in petticoat.
now that's weird.

for me,
the notion of love remains simple,
where as many a person, rather one person has continually wonder why love cannot be defined,
is complicately forward.
love is when you feel you want to protect someone dear to you.
love is when you want to be with the person, where upon opening your eyes the first person to make you smile would be him.
then again.
love could be the devotion to one person just because you can.

even i sometimes dont understand this notion of love.

went clubbing the other day and there were a bunch of guys who were basically fluttering around anybody who responded to them.
now, i've decided to remain as sobber as possible from now on.
haha...
and there was this particular guy that struck me as perculiar.
why is it that after numerously telling him no, (my friends had to resort to pushing him across the dance floor and telling him no, but, well he doesnt get it)
he still chooses to pester us?
i simply do not understand the concept.
is it because of the rejection factor?
or has too many books warrant the notion that if you fight for what you want, eventually you would get it?
-_- thats farniely creepy but i wouldnt even go there with a five foot pole.

as of today,
after so long.
it seems that i can stop writing my journal.
after 6 long years or rather a lifetime.
all my fears, my darkest secrets, my loves and fancies.
no more needing to rely on a book that was written for an audience but would be banished forever into secrecy.

i want to stop writing it anyway.
because then i can fully live my life, outside the realm of literature, ideology and hope.
now practically living and loving oneself would be more important.

i've decided from today,
i'ii do as i please. which i seem to have forgotten over time,
over trying to give everything to the one i love.
then expecting something back no matter how minutely i convince myself its nature would be,
the fact is that expecting often only harms the relationship and myself in the process.

have a beautiful flower pot in my room that has blossomed lovely.
red with orange stripes...
pretty pretty.
even i feel happy when i see it.

now back to my PS....

2005-04-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

realized i've upkept this blog for 4 years. 2002-2005. and its still going.
little wonder why some people think i dun have much of a life.
but hey, i'm trying to enjoy the little things.
like coffee on a short stroll to no where.
like a lie down at the nearby carlton park just because i can. reading and lazing. bumming and listening.
little things in life that are so enjoyable.
yet there are many little things in life that are just meant to be lessons.
been there, done that, dejavu.
sometimes its just better to let go.
because even if he said you were perfect, even if he said that you were his only love,
things change.
and boy can they change fast.

in this fast paced life that we have (well in most cases, unlike mine),
things become fluid.
affection, love, time, knowledge.
everything comes and goes in an instant.

nows like 9 to 1pm. and i'm rattling on after a hard day's battle with the dragon warriors. -_-
but hey, i'm glued to my PS.
rather, its the best distractor i have ever come across.
slim, mean, fighting machine.

anyway, its so unlike me to be up typing at this early an hour,
on a day when i have no school.
seriously. -_-
but i just wanted to thank you guys,
all the people who love me, and encouraged me.
sorry for being a bitch overtime (its a lapsing thing, and sometimes the she-devil comes out),
like when i kept saying i wasnt free to come out,
the truth would be, i was holed up.
in myself, and within myself. (almost like Sidney, who has multiple personality disorder),
at home, mentally, physically...watever.
but my point is,
i'm trying. and all you who noes me noe i'm trying.
kakaka.

anyway, the first bit of my story.
wanted to name it, bitter sea.
after my name, mariel.
sounds really sweet for a title.

when i've sketched out my outline, i'ii blog it.
^^ btw, there are pics on my friendster, go see go see.
its from the dandenong trip where silly people like Celine and benny and david were doing farnie farnie things.
yes. my beloved frens.
SUNDAY AGAIN!

2005-04-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

one thing i've learn is that time passes quickly when your having fun.
had the guys over yest, and well well well...they were a handful....
we had honey dew sago dessert (improv hor, so stop being so critical), and cake, which was banana, peanut butter and choco chip ^^.
i love baking now adays. its so therapeutical because just sometimes things in life dont go your way and then you'ii feel all frustrated and all.

Had lunch w a v lovely guy, Alwin.
you noe, you should not feel that way bout yourself and anything you feel is unwarranted.haha...look who is talking.
and seriously seriously,
i'm v sure that although we are alike in that area, and that you might feel the weight more as you age, there is nothing we can do about it but smile and face the world.
hope to see you smile as always cause smiling lights up your face.

then after the guys left, had alone time w my new dear.
^^ hours of entertainment, just not talking but communicating.
its almost like you're having the best conversation without speech.
Really works!

went to Words yest, and got myself a journal-book, that i have to follow for 40 days.
fulfilled for now.
no more whining, that was my new year resolution,
and no more wasted time.
like things would be, if we were fated we would be back together eventually.
for now, lets all just roam and venture out.
even to me, as much as i hate to admit it,
the grass is greener on the other side.
clinging on to you is the last thing i want to do anyway.
never considered myself weak.

kakaka.
it seems such a surreal transition. 6 years.
wow. i've known people who marry in under 2.
but then again,
each experience only makes us grow stronger, and i'm sure thats what he has installed for me.
no more procrastinating. i'm going to pursue my passion.
^^
writin an autobio.
that would prob take ages.

Things to do:
Yum-cha
visit gram
go Docklands again. Beautiful beautiful scenery.
go brighton.
go williamstown.
be satisfied with what i have already - thats aplenty.
prepare myself for the journey back home.
picnic before winter.
internship for sociol. -_- (who ever thought you had to do all the dirty work yourself?)
learn to cook more and more and more.
(would like to take some artsy sculpture classes again and nafa)

-_- plenty to do with my life.
so with what ever i have, i'ii give it one shot, then maybe life wouldnt seem so worthless.
i just need another week or 2 and i'ii recuperate.
out of my system.
out of my life.

2005-04-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

watched leslie's last film: "inner sense".
talking about dealing with the inner demons that plague us.
somehow i find it seems scarely in relation to everything or everyone i noe.

guys gerls alike.

people acting up for no reason or rhyme.
trying to be normal and pass off as humans.
but actually we are very alien in our own skin.
in other words, we do not fit in well at all.

all we do is try to hide, to not let people know that within us,
we all hold a deep dark secret that has scarred us forever,
but that we cant let it get to us just because of the consequences.

for me, its probably in the arena of love.

but now. just now.
when you say no when i ask prettily,
although we've been together for 6,
and apart for 3 overseas.
my heart still breaks.

your on the chase.
hunting for your next victim.
just because you can,
and just because you desire.
and here i am all hung up still.
trying to fight it,
trying to fit into the society,
wearing the mask that i've torn from the coverings of my heart,
the very flesh that had preserved my sanity for so long.

not to hurt either of us again,
you out of guilt,
i out of pain.
i'ii leave.

the conventions of love are just so weak in rules,
and yet so complexed in its nature.
you say we have too much history,
our lives too interweave to leave us be,
that eventually if fate would have,
we would be together.

so be it.
i've tried many times to calm my heart,
to gain my sanity back.
and this time round,
will be like last time.

2005-04-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

todae. everything starts from todae.
^^
had a lovely lovely day yesterday w David, Celine, Rach, and Benny.
thank you D for taking time out of your bz schedule, in btw acting and studying for us.
and to C, you ah...you ah. are like my sister. big / small i dunno.
sometimes it seems i'm the smaller one, with your booming voice and my whining ways,
then other times, when you go into crazy mode, (dunno is to entertain yourself / me),
your like my little sis.
B, i know that your equally bored, but thank you for being patient with the broken down trains and all, and for coming all the way to melb central to meet me.
R, mommie ah...you ah, are the best. ^^ so gerly in your ways, yet so naggily nice.

dandenong ranges were good,
wld upload to frenster when i get the time and speed running.
had lots of silly laughs w D and B's kungfu-treehugging-flying leap stunts.
never cease to make me laugh.
and, yes B. the clear air....would give you a laughing headache.

REm. next sun.
items to do:

Mama MIA...
Circus...
Lion King...
Hot Spring...
Horse Riding...
POdium...
Korean BBQ at box...
-_- Lots and lOts...
OH yar.
PICnic...

from today. it starts. all numbers are cleared, all msged erased.
a new day.
no more whinning, pestering, loving, and lamenting.
what's gone is gone.
even if i were to break down, its my breakdown.
not yours.
but, yes. i think i'ii get over you sooner or later.
because, just because you dont know a good thing when you see a good thing.
twice around.
i think i dont love you too.
forget the last email.
you would never reply.
and the times when you want to spend with your friends,
i'ii respect that and back away.

26th april. that was our 2nd time round date.
i'ii stop bugging you, because it torments me more then you,
to think i am that weak.

go have a field day.
go paint the town red.
when your back.
i'ii be as good as new.
no longer hung up over you.

2005-04-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

closing my eyes and stepping back for now.
Realized i'm OCD. yesh, just like you piggy.
-_- OCD....f***ed up OCD.

in reality,
i cant let go, rather, i must know what exactly is the problem and why that problem exists?
is it my fault?
did i do something wrong?
what did i do?
and the list goes on.

but the truth is.
its not all about me.
in the cruelest sense, now that everything's vapourized and left once again,
after so long a time of torment and waiting,
when everything should be perfect,
you would have to take it all away again.

its not what i have not done,
but what i can never help.
and that is you.
your the flaw in this equation.
but i'm not here to point fingers,
cause as you know me,
i'm just plain old me.

never thinking better then i am,
never standing up for what i should be worth.

but, thats going to change.
maybe an open-relationship for now would be best.
just because we can,
and because you dont want to return.
you sae D likes me,
and in my heart i hope so too,
then maybe i would not be so hung over you.

but then,
its just me.
plain old me.

*with a tear pressed into the side of my face,
a glimpse of the inner world that remains torned and shattered,
a new born smile awakens to the brillance of love,
that has been so long hidden that in my blindness,
i fail to recognize its presence *

2005-03-14T17:32:00.000-08:00

i do not like the unknown, but for now, it stirs my appetite.
wondering why it could not be easier just when we try so hard to make it simpler.
you said to take it slowly as love has basically evaporated,
returning momentarily when i do things right.
but here i am,
me.

i havent changed nor have become different,
but why is it i hurt inside,
like the gnawing of something insatiable,
that would not give up until it tears my very soul apart?

been reading the bible and attending sing-a-long sessions.
its uplifting.
want to be more actively involved in everything else,
and it has helped me lessen alot of problems.
things that i see as important,
things that i care alot about.

i'm no longer that little fat person,
too afraid of myself and others' opinions,
happy on the outside but crying on the inside.

i wish not to always be all smiles or all tears,
but to be me.
the happy me, happy for whatever reason,
just because you love me for me.

Waiting on our house rental,
for now, writing in to our housing agent to request for an extension.
so many things happening in my life,
and yet, often the minor things are important to me.
forgive me my friends,
because of me, i've let you all down.

but i do so love you.

2005-03-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

As time passes,
illusions cloud vision.
nothing but a fading shadow of a person,
for today,
the battle scars of yesteryears,
will be buried,
never to be resurrected,
even with the calling of that passion,
as time passes.

Nonsense that grew out of love,
fostering the birth of the unknown.
to travel side by side,
in holy matrimony,
entwined in more then love,
but eternal companionship.
for today,
i hid.
never to reveal the inner demons,
that gnaw and bite,
nonsense that grew out of love.

Fast asleep and growling,
like a bear in hibernation.
never wanting to be disturbed,
by yet another dispassioned soul,
who knows only to take and hurt,
to tempt and reduce,
where i remain nothing more then a weeping willow,
dipping in the wind,
jostling to return back to the land i came from.
the land of peace once again,
drifting off,
fast asleep and growling.

2005-03-03T17:45:00.000-08:00

Been back a week or so, and again... the feeling of comfort and loneliness has sunk in good.
maybe i'm just a little homesick.
maybe i'm just a little bit of me.
maybe, maybe, maybe...

for people who know me well, i punctuate many things with a mere maybe,
then i'ii turn around and say, hey! i should have, i could have, i would have.
but now...
my maybe's just mean i'm thinking.
calculating what and how and who and why, this and that and these and those, are happening.

everything's well said for nothing.
anyway, been applying for internships...which for our arts students' ...dont come easy.
but i'm still trying, because i can and i will and i would.

naggy aint i.

it just all came crashing down that maybe just maybe i should stop all my fuss.
why?
because the world could come to its end, like. NOw. *snaps fingers*

Tsunamis... earthquakes... flash floods....

but all we care is about little old me. BooHOo HOo.
why, maybe thats the only way we can distract ourselves from the bigger issues that truly matter.
For instance, when i was back in Singapore, there were television NEwSLINEs...that talked about nothing but pick pocketing at chinatown, tree loggers' ban....

nothing but small issues for a smaller country.

then i went into malaysia, not too long after the aftermath of bird flu, tsunami hit coastal regions... and there was nothing.

the people there was everything but upset and uncivilised.
in fact, the thing i enjoyed the most, were the people, the sights, the sounds...
heck, we even met a friendly malay guy who helped me do up two very lovely garfield keychains.

yes... i love garfield. not because of anything, but just because he says everything i want to say.
his the free person whom everyone wants to be.
to stop being so nice, and just heck care about the world.
Laying back and letting people scratch my tummy.
...

BUt. things arent that easy, and its just me.
I just want things to be perfect.

was talking to S the otherday over dinner.
Looks V personality.
hell, i'm always a personality person, but then, whose to argue over the looks department?
it doesnt mean that as people, we get who we deserve.
in fact, how do you noe you deserve or they deserve you?

its time to just sit back and relax.
Time will tell us what is real and what is not.
Til then, we'ii all on god's ride.
If you want to get off, there's only one way.
Down.

2005-03-03T17:37:00.000-08:00

Songs that make my heart sing:

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world....

~ "across the universe"
Dedicated to those who have stood by me,
and continue to stand by me...
even in the toughest times,
where i'm blinded to everything that touches or holds me precious.

never let go of the one who loves you,
because you never know when your love for them would overwhelm you,
when their not around.

never hold on to the one that doesnt love you,
cause its you who suffers in the end.

2005-02-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

As the flitting shadows prance in front of the undrawn curtains,
the loner sat unmoved behind patience.
The dark stilettos of motion teased her with seduction,
to coax her out of the silence that so shrouded her.
The curtains now rustled faintly as she gainly peered just for that moment,
then fell back down, never to open again.
All that was left were scars.
Scars of battle, scars of tears and scars of lies.
Hideous in all the failures, glorious in all the lessons.
Pride, lust and love, all tamed and laid out in one swoop for all to see and curse.

With this, the last act is to begin. Sit back and wait as the final curtain call signal draws near.

***

In a sparsely furnished apartment, Missy sits besides her dad's favorite arm chair, with a torn-up garment still held firmly in her hands. She was a woman around her mid twenties, slightly plump, yet voluptous in a nice way. Her lips were permanently pursed together, as if in a gesture of prideful defiance. In the background, a sorrowful tune of discord and lost love pours out from the whining Hi-fi next to the mantel, and Missy begins to murmur, at the same time, gently stroking the material still in her hand.

Missy: Now dear, don't you cry. Mama's going to buy you a mocking bird (raises her left hand and makes like she's wiping tears off an invisible person). And if that mocking bird doesn't sing, Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring. (sits with a gazed look, staring off into oblivion). There, there. Aren't you pretty now my little bride?

(A voice echoes across the bare room).

No response.

(Footsteps become audible as if an empty box was being drummed over and over again, louder and louder with strength)

(Chloe enters from the left stage: She was a poised woman with a worn-out expression, presumably around her late fifties, hardened with the coming of age and with the extravagence of life that has taken a toil on her simple life)

Chloe: What? hello? Missy?

...................................................... To be Continued ;>

2005-02-11T18:34:00.000-08:00

It's time to calm down and look at the damages caused.
Maybe it's that simple.
Just decide what i want and then stick with it.
Trust, trust, trust.
I need a tissue for my issues. seriously.
Scared to put myself in that position again.
Dont want to go back to Melb.
Sigh. Finding it harder to breathe or function wholly as a person.

Hve you found the one you love yet?
Maybe only love can help.
No regrets, no lies, just solely love.
With this, i'm gambling away my sanity.

2005-02-01T05:55:00.000-08:00

why do people only appreciate things when they've long passed.
regretting only when its lost to them.
when the grains of love trickle through their fingers,
esp when they cant grasp what they used to call home to.

was reading an article written by janice tan (SPH),
it seem all so true why we only learn when we fall down,
when it all comes back and smack us squarely in the face.

the right person at the wrong time would eventually result in nothing but heartache.
both for the one who loves, and for the one who forgets.
once you realize that something true and good is lost,
all the memories and emotions would come flooding back.
what you've lost isnt simply something you can simply put a price tag on it,
instead, its something you cant qualify at all.

at this very moment,
all i can think of is simply how much i have wasted both in affection and love.
but not from you.
maybe its just me, for i'm too emotional bout things,
yet, its because i care. and i want to care.
but that portion of my heart is slowly dying.
and i've put down my stand for the last time.
why do i give you the chance to hurt me over and over again?
if only i could be stronger,
and rip off your hideous fakeness.
one that you hide under to cover your lies and deceit.

why is it that i have to hurt so much,
and all you can think of is how trival and petty i am,
to make something as simple,
as you falling for someone else,
into a mountain.
simply because,
i hurt.
i cry.
i die.

you said i've become hardened,
and maybe i have.
decadence and being free, wasnt that what you said i could be?
"to not hold on to you", those were the very words out of your mouth.
stop pulling me forward and back, backwards and fro.
i'm not that stupid little cupid still in love with you.

dont be so nice to me, cause i'm afraid i might fall again.
deeper this time round in all my foolishness.
dont tell me reasons,
cause i dont wish to hear your honey coated words.
all i want now is my friends and a peace of mind.
stop now.
stop.

________________________________________________________________

"why is it you left me for dead not too long ago,
and now your back,
suavily swooping in to claim your prize,
as and when you like?
does this mean not as much as it should to you?"

2005-01-31T22:04:00.000-08:00

its been a long and trying month. but i've survived.
wish it hadnt been that hard.
on how many occasions, i hardened my heart.
how many times i told myself, you didnt matter.
but now.
i'm lost once again.

in this whirlwind relationship,
what is it you want from me?
tell me now.
is this going to last a long time,
or is it cause your losing the one that treated you truly?

are these the words you want to say to me?

That nite at ECP, i had made up my mind. for better or worse.

"still feels like the first nite together,
feels like the first kiss,
its getting better baby...
still holding on, your still the one.
first time our eyes met,
same feeling i get,
only feels much stronger,
wana love you longer.
you still turn the fire on.

so if your feeling lonely...
your the only one i ever wan.
only want to make it good,
so if i love you,
alittle more than i should.

Please forgive me,
i noe not wat i do.
i cant stop loving you.
dont deny me, this pain i'm going through.
please believe every word i say is true..."

-Bryan Adam - please forgive me.

2005-01-25T21:50:00.000-08:00

Whew...at least that's solved.
L ah, let nature take its course.
i'm sure you'll find a guy v soon.
better, nicer, everything plus plus.
in fact, i'ii help you look.
^^
its...er, i'ii call it infatuation. hehe.
its prob just your bible that you miss.
and because i was there.
-_-
dun worry.
i'm still here.
just no more tantrums k?
*muacks*

**********************************************************************************
right now, i myself do not know wat i'm feeling.
blank and floating.
fading gradually into the still background of a puppeteer.
the shadows of manipulation.
hiding in the dark,
waiting for a chance to run and break free.

" i'm here, just like i said.
though its breaking every rule i ever made.
my racing heart, is still the same.
why do i make it strong to break it once again.
and i'ii love to say i do,
give everything to you.
but i can never now be true,
so i say:

i think i better leave right now,
before i fall any deeper.
i think i better leave right now,
getting weaker weaker.
...."

2005-01-24T07:36:00.004-08:00

hm...just one question L. wat is the meaning of your nick?
"I realize i ain't piggy's best. what would i become when we part".
maybe its me thinking more, but your smses and your mood swings are impacting on me.
are you menopausing?
although that's unlikely, cos your so young to start with.

if there's something you wan to say, tell me, i'm always here to listen.
but sometimes yar like a little gerl,
squirming ard for attention.
and that just makes me feel like strangling the life out of you.
cause your slowly suffocating me,
with your reluctance to communicate.

maybe that's how guys feel when women turn whiny.

really, is there something you want to tell me?
or am i over thinking again?
i'ii ask this once.
and never again.
Y/N?

*******************************************************************************
women and men are equally puzzling.
maybe that's why they fit so perfectly and yet remain mismatched due to an unseen flaw.

2005-01-23T02:33:00.000-08:00

nowadays, i'm feeling listless and restless.
where or what do i want to head?

i dislike you with other girls,
just for the sole reason that it annoys me.
as simple as that.
staying late at their place,
hanging out w them.
so. who has double standards?
hate it when you think your the world,
when your nothing but an insignificant dot.

whatever you think you are in my heart at present,
your wrong.
i'm not here anymore. waiting, aimlessly.

had a great time that day at the beach,
belting out hillsongs and chinese pop songs...it felt...comfortable.
building the (mermaid) body on A...
^^ you gerl ah, MAD as a hatter...

realized that, most people think i'm really young. like 19...
well...thats like really young to me. or rather, young enough.
sun tanned. picked shells. spent time dipping in the sea...
relaxing and fun.
times like these where i can smile and laugh as loud as i want.
feeling is good.

but then once night came,
went over to pei T, get din for her.
then had to face Li's mom.
please... it just pushes me away.
maybe your right.
i'm not prepared for this yet.
rather, i dun want to be obligated to be nice anymore.

****************************************************************************
yest spent the night unwinding at swenson...thank goodness its 24Hrs...
had a good time just relaxing and gossiping for hrs w my besty.
wanted to go party box...but of cos of cos...cldnt in the end.
as usual. i respect your decisions, just becos it is dangerous there.
yayayaya.... papaya...

you ah...dunno how much i adore you. ^^

getting tired of the bf/gf thingy,
just because i dont want to be yanked here and there anymore.

-_- had it up to here. ( points to head and above).

****************************************************************************

i'm no longer on the other end of the line,
hopelessly glancing into space.
never hesitant to msg you,
to tell you my love, my dream, my fantasies.
sick and down,
its time to move on,
just solely because,
your wearing me out.
i don't need you,
just because i can.

2005-01-14T00:21:00.000-08:00

had a good talk last nite. although i've been really bz lately with other things, maybe things arent that bad between you and me.
but for now. let's let nature take its course.

2005-01-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

*yawnz* just up. for once in a long long time, i got to sleep early. the past few nights were passed writing my blog, listening to music, chatting to friends, but now... i slept soundly.

been wondering about my sleeplessness. what could possibly be the cause of it? was it because i thought too much? (unlikely), because i over- ate (hm...)

but it doesnt matter. whichever the case, i pray that all my other nights here, a mere mth and a half? sorry, i'm not good at counting dates... so yar better better call me out. -_- no more excuses this year. ^^ i will come out.

2005-01-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

everytime i listen to this song "wen rou", i think of your tenderness.
and i used to cry to it, because of the meaning that seems so apt at that time.
now i hear and reminisce in the happy memories we had.
no more unhappiness, just an acceptance, that now i'ii move on.

the one i love should never break my heart, or keep falling for someone else.
the warmth and love we had that has now disappeared for the sole reason that you want more.
and as that is not enough, then your just a bastard who never understands the meaning of love,
until all is said and done, lost and cast away.

This isnt an audition for the role of your wife,
but rather because two people fell in love and want to stay by each other's side.

for now, its just fun, parties and studies.
family, friends and happiness.

my love that was a crimson red, passionate in believing positively,
has turned an ugly grey,
shaded with mortality.

actually, i should thank you, where without your help i would never have been shaken awake.
i didnt dare say what i feel anymore, just so you would get off my case and stop blaming me for making you less keen to want me back.
but, then again, why should i want you back?
i'm having a ball of a time by myself.

on another note,
the time we spent together was tedious in melb, but it was a test.
a simple test really, to find out if we could in fact be together.
but when all's over, no sincere effort to revive, only a philandering heart.

do not use your words to make me sway, jerking me in all directions like a silly ragged doll.

i need you to come to your senses that,
i'm not that silly gullible person i was years ago.
my devotion has turned into something dark.
my agony has turned ito something bright.
now. "i will set you free"- wo gei ni zhi you.

go now.

2005-01-12T21:19:00.000-08:00

been a long weekend and a long few days lapsing into the week. met up w B but, well...let's just put it, it was an uncomfortable one. things were perfectly fine when we signed the contract and stuff but then, when the next day came, it just got... weird. Went in the afrvo to his office, and after we finished the raw demo version, we sat down to "talk", although on my part there didnt seem much to talk about. Had to grab a panadol at that pt of time, so i made my way out.

celebrated K and tart's birthday at one go with the meanie gang, and well... i have to say, for such a posh japanese place and pan pac, it was well worth the money we spent. ^^ the ambience was perfect to a crisp, with the authentic looking japanese koi fish pond and the long serene walk into a japanese-look-alike house... it was perfect. Then came the smses and calls. seriously B, until the pt that you can make up your mind w your gf, whom you claim would be dealt with permanently in a couple of days, you should not have even a flicker of affection change. i despise such guys for the sole reason that you cant stand to be w one gerl for the rest of your life, or maybe when your indecisive at that pt of time, you seek solace in someone else.

i trust your gerl is great if not you would never fly so often to the states, but for us, it has only topics under frenz and family like what we talked about yest. ^^ but anyhow, dun worry bout your trip cause i'm sure you'ii wow her family and nothing, not a tide or anything would hit sunny california. -_- you are such a worrying wuss.

back to other things, i reckon that, maybe L is right, why is it when i'm looking for jobs, we have to stick together, thus giving up so many others in the process. in fact, we seem to be acting like we're in love rather then anything else. -_- quite scary a thought though, i really like you too. but, for now, i would like to spend lots of time with you, for the sole reason that i like your company, except at times when you turn whinny. haha... [really cant stand that]
i know my mood affects the people whom i'm around, so this year round, i'm just going to be happy happy happy. which as i've collated, i have accomplished to a bare minimal since the start of 2005.

anyway, all these aside, anyone on for KL backpacking or beach volley anywhere soon?

love is like a blissful feeling, when you think of the one you love, a smile lights on your face.

mood now - solemn and rational.

2005-01-10T12:32:00.000-08:00

"stay by my side", i whispered.
"i'm afraid".
A solid hand clasped my arm and jerked me violently back.
Hair spilled around my shoulders, face bruised and swollened from acid tears,
all that's left of me is the vainty of my existence, the scalding breath of life that burns my lips.
i cannot speak no more for words merely become transparent and unformed.
The majestic rose bades my presence and for me to come hither.
by its side i quiver with uncertainty as i've betrayed its very kind.
I bent and picked it up, where it laid dead in its prime.
A rose plucked was no longer of value to anyone.

The shadow that had led me this far, stepped out into the light.
A loved one. The man i love.
I gathered strength in my will to exert and i coiled my passion around him,
capturing the last few drops of tears that formed before they left his lids.
With each tear that befell on my body, the scars gradually faded.
The weight seem to lift of my very being, and i could breath again.

___________________________________________________________________

with every breathe i take, i gain strength in my self. Thank you, for now i must fly.

2005-01-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

went down to the song company todae w Laine, aka L, had been a moderately boring day, nothing but rain and pink umbrellas and 30 mins of shopping for wigs. Just because you were late. Down at his company, realized that it was much smaller than expected, but cosy. Back tomorrow for recording.

wish time would pass faster, or at least slower, whichever way works more effectively. Heading back to oz in a matter of a mth half, and its dreary as i'm once again leaving my friends and family behind. One more year and other unknown years ahead of what, even i do not know at present. Well decide by then.

Bought mom a lovely butterfly pedant that i think she would love, but saving that for the day of my flight. happy birthday in advance mom.

Thinking lately about nothing in particular. Rather, been losing sleep. Here i am at 4 in the morning, feeling energetic and perky when only a while ago at his house i was sleepy and tired after playing or not-playing with snappy. Snappy = a shitzu that he rears, and he has 2 fat fat hammies...that he said could give me, but their kind of like minature guniea pigs rather then hammies. miss my hamtaro all of a sudden. the look on her face never ceases to make me smile.

have a ploy of sneaking my hammies back, if *cross fingers* i cant resist and buy one. i could firstly hide her in my pocket when i get scanned. unless she's eaten something metallic, otherwise we should get through it briskly and clean as a whistle. After which, on the plane, i'ii put her into her pre-prepared bedding of a box, and hold her in my lap, come movie or food.
Then, basically the same routine backwards once i reach melbourne. if i can bring a hamburger on the plane, y not a hamster? similar concept, both resemble rat burgers.

have a lack of any form of inspirations lately, like musically or intellectually. keeping a journal so much of these stuff here might be redundant and lacking in many things, pardon me if that happens.

Mood now, little gloomy, but balanced by today's laughs and music session.

2005-01-10T11:42:00.000-08:00

"Walking in the breeze, with the gradual warm sunlight, i suddenly felt tender.
The sky's softness, the earth's caresses, seem just like you holding onto me.
Later i realized that you've changed, loneliness lies ahead.
If i'm cold, how am i going to get through all these on my own?

The sky, breeze and sun that surrounds are no longer in your eyes.
Your eyes only hide what i never knew.
Never mind, the world that you possess, I'ii let you have it back.
Letting go, is my form of tenderness.

Do not understand, want, ask, why my heart,
which only wants to get closer to you,
stands alone in the wake of dawn.

Do not want, understand, ask, why my heart,
would let the essence of love,
lay buried, lost in the depths of solitude,
then to give the very best of me, to you.

Do not remember when, why without notice and unclear of what happened then,
i returned to the street we frequent,
with no tears nor smiles because this was just a dream.
No prediction of the future, or any given reason,
I recalled what you said before,
if i wanted, you would not hold me back.

I give you freedom.
All the freedom i can offer with my heart".

~wen rou ("wo gei ni zhi you" ballad/rock version) - wu yue tian (5 moon-sky).
[translated in english]

"ask not what others can offer but what you can give" - for me, I've given all.

2005-01-09T19:47:00.000-08:00

The beautiful sunset i watched while busily fiddling with my keyboard made me think back to a quiet and peaceful time spent with you.
The laughs and spills i share make me smile and wish you were here to share them with me.
The soups and food i relish eating make me feel like eating less, just to leave some for you.

yet.

___________________________________________________________________

a commitment is for a lifetime, irregardless of what happens in between.
if you love that person, tell him/her.
if you cherish that person, then dont waver.
infatuations whatsoever, if your not into your current just let him/her know.
if your not ready, think about it, whats your problem.

no one can help you if you dont want to help yourself.
best of all, if you cant help yourself, dont burden others unless your willing to open up.
if not, so long, farewell, see yar later!

2005-01-09T19:27:00.000-08:00

The 5 Things You Really Want to Know About Men!

By Mr. Answer Man

More from iVillage
4 Things He Doesn't Dare Tell You
What He's Really Thinking -- Revealed
Guy Behavior 101
Ever wonder what a guy was really thinking - but were too afraid to ask? You're not the only one! We took five of your most-asked questions and got some real answers from a real guy, our resident expert on the male perspective, Mr. Answer Man.
1. Do all men have the same sexual fantasies? And what are they?
Men's sexual fantasies are probably a lot tamer than you think. For the most part, they don't even involve multiple partners, foreign objects or a tight, skimpy French maid's outfit. Male sexual fantasy tends to stick to a very tight formula: hot rambunctious sex with people we aren't supposed to be having it with. This pool is extended to include platonic friends, our girlfriend or spouse's friends and ex-girlfriends who were great in bed.
2. Do men care if their partner earns more money than they do?
Short answer, yes. Even if we try to hide it and say that it's okay, the truth is that when a woman out-earns us, it's a blow to our egos. That said, not all of us are comfortable being the breadwinners, either. Being responsible for someone else's financial stability is a huge amount of pressure. It's a Catch-22.
3. How can I tell if my partner is cheating?
The issue here is trust. I'll assume, since you ask the question at all, that in some way, you are questioning your partner's commitment, not just to you, but to the truth. And to answer your question, you can't know if your partner is cheating until you're presented with clear, incontrovertible proof. Which leaves us with a far more difficult issue: what to do when you suspect but cannot prove.
I could throw out all the stereotypical signs of cheating: he says he has to work late, but when you call the office, no one answers; he avoids intimacy and sex; he talks a lot about a female friend or colleague; he's vague or defensive about where he's been when not with you. But none of these so-called signs are proof of unfaithfulness. In my humble opinion, rather than accusing your partner of infidelity, the safest bet is to address the issue of trust in your relationship in general. Whether by yourselves or in couples counseling, your feelings have to be acknowledged and worked through together if you're ever going to build a genuine, trusting relationship. This is not easy -- only absolutely necessary.
Trust is never a sure thing. It's precious precisely because of how vulnerable it leaves us. But trust upheld is one of life's richest treasures, well worth the risk of being honest about our feelings, no matter how painful. Good luck.
4. What does a guy really think when you have sex on the first date?
He really thinks you're slutty. And that, sister, is not necessarily a bad thing -- depending on what you want out of the relationship, of course. Unless he believes that he's the exception to the rule (in other words, if he doesn't think you fall into bed on the first date with every guy), doing the horizontal boogie so early on means your relationship is going to be mainly about sex. When you're making plans for future dates, he'll be thinking of you on the dinner table rather than across it. However, if you wait and get to know each other on an emotional level and let the physical follow, then the relationship can be about both. The exception: If you two have been friends for a while, then hit the sheets on your first "official" date, don't worry -- your relationship can be hot and heavy.
5. Why do men come crawling back after they break up with you?
Let me be blunt. A man comes crawling back after a breakup because he'd gotten used to a certain something that he's no longer getting and is now panicking in the face of a biological drive -- at the expense of your feelings and his pride.
There are two exceptions to this rule, and both have to do with the time frame of the ''crawl back.'' First, if your guy comes crawling back immediately, he's probably being genuine -- pathetic, but genuine. He realizes he's made a terrible mistake and really does want to make the relationship work. Also, if months and months have passed, you can be pretty sure that he's really thought about it, truly misses you and (finally) realizes what a great gal you are. But if he calls you, say, two to three weeks after he walked out of your life, do not be fooled. It only means he's been unable to get his erotic needs fulfilled and has succumbed to path-of-least-resistance daydreams about his last partner -- namely, you. Suggest that he try one of the many 900 numbers out there and cross his name out of your address book.

-maybe you have to see things from a different perspective, like from somone's else point-of-view.
take everything with a pinch of salt n you would get by, day to day.
for now, the future holds no allure, just the present and how i enjoy it ^^.
Carpe Diem.

2005-01-08T23:48:00.000-08:00

yeah!!! counting down for my nite cycling (better arrange properly hor, jm, or i'ii twist your monkey ears) and of course, KL KL KL KL!! WooHoo. my long time frenz are there, cousins, uncle and aunty...nice to know you have relatives to count out.

happy happy monkey, these year.
yesterday, was farnie *blushes*. went out w my old old old ny friend, nick. man....you havent changed a bit. still as guai and blur (sotong gorzillaball - sorrie wk, borrow for a while)... but ever so adorable. haha. anyway, we did our 30 mins TREKking from newton circus to SOMERSET....yes people. i wonder why too...
then, we went to meet up w my good fren M, my closest and bestest singaporean fren. -_- although now she has seemingly ABANDONEd me for her Jo- aka, ah boy.
anyway.... we were at parklane, the party box. NEver knew there was a pub cum ktv place. soooo interesting. sang a duet w her bf -_- which by the way WAS soooOOo bad. (erhem....not that it was me *winks*) as in, i could not. and i emphasis again. COULD NOT, read the chinese words on the tv. maybe it was because it was too freaking far from our table...but probably because my chinese is "ding gua gua" (so good it hurts). haha....

anyway, -_- M's bf's friend, Fox (complicated, yes i understand, but its all bout relations), kind of asked him to msg on me if i wanted to give him my number (?) well.... it was quite funny and we were laughing our asses off. (been a long time since i've had so much fun). Firstly, when he intro-ed himself as FOX. yes, you are not mistaken. FOX. (later figured it was cause his jacket was the brand Foxmen)...so, if you are fox and you are so man that you asked your frend to ask for my number.

Note, i actually think his a nice guy, abit cute, quite tall, very quiet, and apparently shy. (dont lie, zuo ni men zhe hang, how to be shy?)

back to the topic. after the pub....endless peanut munching w nick cause M was buzy entertaining or was entertained by her already drunken bf.... we went for supper. (although, i've already went to newton circus for supper, and also after having chuck-loads of peanuts and beer, [correction, i didnt have much beer, dont care for drinking anymore, but only to give M face]...i went. just for fun.) ~when i'm alittle down, i chuck my face... not a good way but well, who cares. at least i still look the same outwardly. haha~
oh oh. we met this gerl....who was jo, as in joey or joanne, neither me nor m managed to catch it. spent several mins debating.... she was quite cool. like wow. looked damn guai, chubby face w a good figure, ex-pub manager, pub owner, student at sim and with a bf who sprouted hokkein and tried to get m's bf drunk.

On another note, m sorta asked -cum- begged jo to ask her bf to stop forcing her bf to drink = the couple quarrelled. haha...(all your fault and i'm rubbing it in)

neway, was at supper. which out of 8 pple. one ate guotie, or rather waterified version.
they cracked a couple more farnie (note, farnie...not funny) jokes, like when m gave me the tatoo parlour's name and contacts (the guy to contact is ah ming. or was it Ah-meng? and say, ah boy intro, for the two words [?]), the guy whispered to m's bf, "then i'ii get 3 words, wen man sheng = tatoo all over body).... amazing. i'm speechless at their jokes but the way they were laughing, it seemed pretty farnie at that time. ^^ it feels good to laugh so heartily. good for the body and the mind la.

yes... lots of jargon in the bengish sense that i was like cocking my head to the side and just smiling dumbly at them. not with them that is.

glad i came out of the house after all. and rather, sneaked back in. haha... still rem the time christmas, was out with sarah and elaine that bunch. -_- was out til 8, but...shhhh... if mom knews, k.n.s.

lastly...he kinda offered to send me back, but i had to go back w nick (which was a relief. later kena stalker). but, felt good ^^ as a gesture of politeness, i msged him thanks but no thanks for the ride, and his fren called. this kenny aka GW guy. -_-
"hey, my fren wans to ask you out, but his shy".

haha... until the time when he becomes unshy, then talk to me. right now, i'm in no mode for dating but as fun frenz, great.

(life's a bitch when things dont go your way. but, maybe thats how it is, so take it with a pinch of sugar and rationalize, then everything would seem so much better)

^^ my mood is good and jovial today. can take on anything! just enjoying all the company i have now, no tears, no wimps, no more shit.

2005-01-08T00:06:00.000-08:00

there is no easy way.
only, substitution is never the solution.
think bout it.

2005-01-07T23:46:00.000-08:00

if yar dun share your feelings, wat else is there to it?

honesty is the best when its time to be truthful, cause in a relationship thats all that matters.
been in and out of love, rather, infatuated.
but when you know the feeling is true, then maybe thats when your soul mate is there for you.
to feel needy and yet when you think of that person, a smile comes to your face.
to long to be hugged and cuddled by that someone.

wandering through my thoughts aimlessly.
the first smell of perfumed hair when mom brushed pass me, cuddling and cooing at me when i'm sick.
the pot of black chicken soup i made him drink when he was coughing his spleen and lungs out.
the silly quarrel we had over my cooking, when he was the one who misguided me.
the cuddles that would bring a silly smile on my face esp when he whispered i love yous in my ears.
the pooh that is too big for anywhere small and giraffe when i wringe his neck at nite.
my friends who would spend silly time with me talking bout nothing, and doing nothing.
dad's softness when externally he looks so tough.
my brother whose irritatingness kills me, yet his tenderness shocks me sometimes.
my heart that feels like it would burst cause i've just found out something sad, that love comes in many forms and not all origins or comes back to me.
mom's coolness on my forehead when she brushes my hair and nags me for my mess.
my first kiss that made me sure of love.
infatuations that have been roller coaster rides throughout my life that i never carried through because i love only one passionately and devotedly.
fear that consumes me, but now is but my friend, like an alarm system.
waking up and smelling the roses, that i would be good for that particular day.
praying to god when i'm absolutely desperate, but not anymore, cause you reside in me.
being too brazenly stubborn when i know i'm at fault.
being strong because i have to, because even the one you believe will be there, only laughs from one side when you fall.
time spent at the playground just making small talk, holding hands and talking bout nothing but us and us alone.
times when i'm so stressed and worned out, and the thought of you makes me smile, just because your my soul mate.
walks down the beach with him and coincidentally hearing that one song that strikes my heart.
wanting to playa-fool, and yet even more, wanting to love and be here.

"one last time, have you fallen for someone new? "

2005-01-07T07:04:00.000-08:00

been days now. not too good lately, cant seem to find another job, stuck stuck stuck.
wish i could just throw it all at the back of my head and stop thinking bout anything.
^^ its been a good run. just no more games.

2005-01-03T07:17:00.000-08:00

happy happy happy.
quit my job and for now i'm as free as a lark.

anywayz, was on a very interesting topic with L, the other day.
have you thought of the notion of horoscopes, that it actually is more or less a social observation which was gathered and displayed, as most people born under the same star sign shares certain traits, whether it is innate or nutured by their surroundings.
my argument stands that maybe your character is not determined by what is commonly spoken off within our starsign horror-scopes. In fact, as in a very recent event, i've determined i'm more of a Libra then a virgo although i'm born on the 18th of september.

Think about this:

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Virgo! About Your Sign...
Virgo is the only zodiacal sign represented by a female. It is sometimes thought of as a potentially creative girl, delicately lovely; sometimes as a somewhat older woman, intelligent but rather pedantic and spinsterish. The latter impression is sometimes confirmed by the Virgoan preciseness, refinement, fastidious love of cleanliness, hygiene and good order, conventionality and aristocratic attitude of reserve. They are usually observant, shrewd, critically inclined, judicious, patient, practical supporters of the status quo, and tend toward conservatism in all departments of life. On the surface they are emotionally cold, and sometimes this goes deeper, for their habit of suppressing their natural kindness may in the end cause it to atrophy, with the result that they shrink from committing themselves to friendship, make few relationships, and those they do make they are careful to keep superficial.
But the outward lack of feeling may, in some individuals born under this sign, conceal too much emotion, to which they are afraid of giving way because they do not trust others, nor do they have confidence in themselves and their judgments. This is because they are conscious of certain shortcomings in themselves of worldliness, of practicality, of sophistication and of outgoingness. So they bring the art of self concealment to a high pitch, hiding their apprehensiveness about themselves and their often considerable sympathy with other people under a mantle of matter-of-factness and undemonstrative, quiet reserve. They are still waters that run deep. Yet in their unassuming, outwardly cheerful and agreeable fashion, they can be sensible, discreet, well spoken, wise and witty, with a good understanding of other people's problems which they can tackle with a practicality not always evident in their own personal relationships.
Both sexes have considerable charm and dignity, which make some male Virgoans appear effeminate when they are not. In marriage they can be genuinely affectionate, making good spouses and parents, but their love making is a perfection of technique rather than the expression of desire, and they must be careful not to mate with a partner whose sex drive requires a passion they cannot match.
They are intellectually enquiring, methodical and logical, studious and teachable. They combine mental ingenuity with the ability to produce a clear analysis of the most complicated problems. They have an excellent eye for detail but they may be so meticulous that they neglect larger issues. Also, although they are realists, they may slow down projects by being too exact. They are practical with their hands, good technicians and have genuine inventive talents, Thoroughness, hard work and conscientiousness are their hallmarks, and they are such perfectionists that, if things go wrong, they are easily discouraged. Because of their ability to see every angle of a many-sided question, they are unhappy with abstract theorizing. Appreciating the many different points of view as they do, they find philosophical concepts difficult, and they vacillate and have no confidence in any conclusions at which they arrive.
With these qualities, they are better as subordinates than leaders. Responsibility irks them and they often lack the breadth of strategic vision that a leader needs Virgoans are essentially tacticians, admirable in the attainment of limited objectives. Their self distrust is something they project on to other people and tends to make them exacting employers, though in the demands they make on those under them they temper this attitude with justice. They have potential abilities in the arts, sciences and languages. Language especially they use correctly, clearly, consciously and formally, as grammarians and etymologists rather than for literary interests, yet they are likely to have a good memory for apt quotations. Although they are well suited for careers in machine drawing, surveying and similar occupations, they are better fitted for a job in a library or office than a workshop.
Their minds are such that they need the stimulus of practical problems to be solved rather than the mere routine or working to set specifications that need no thought. They are careful with money and their interest in statistics makes them excellent bookkeepers and accountants. They also make good editors, physicists and analytical chemists. They may also find success as welfare workers, ministering to those less fortunate than themselves. They can be doctors, nurses, psychologists, teachers, confidential secretaries, technologists, inspectors, musicians, critics, public speakers and writers especially of reference works such as dictionaries and encyclopedias. Both sexes have a deep interest in history, a feature recognized by astrological authorities for at least two hundred years. If they go in for a business career their shrewdness and analytical ingenuity could tempt them into dishonesty, though they usually have enough moral sense to resist temptation. Female Virgoans may find a career in fashion, for they have a flair for dress, in which they can be trend setters. In any profession they choose the natives of this sign readily assimilate new ideas, but always with caution, conserving what they consider worth keeping from the past. They love country life but are unlikely to make good farmers, unless they can contrive to carry out their work without outraging their sense of hygiene and cleanliness.
Their faults, as is usual with all zodiacal types, are the extremes of their virtues. Fastidious reticence and modesty become old-maidishness and persnicketiness; balanced criticism becomes carping and nagging; and concern for detail becomes overspecialization. Virgoans are liable to indecision in wider issues and this can become chronic, turning molehills of minor difficulties into Himalayas of crisis. Their prudence can become guile and their carefulness, turned in on themselves, can produce worriers and hypochondriacs.Possible Health Concerns...
Virgo is said to govern the hands, abdomen, intestines, spleen and central nervous system. Illnesses to which its natives are prone include catarrh, cold, coughs, pleurisies, pneumonia and nervous instabilities. Their natures make them inclined to worry and this makes them vulnerable to stomach and bowel troubles, including colic and ulcers. Male Virgoans may have trouble with their sexual organs. Both sexes are strongly interested in drugs and esoteric cuisine and as their delicate stomachs require them to be careful about their diet, it is essential that they treat their fascination with exotic food with extreme care.
LIKES
Health foods
Lists
Hygiene
Order
Wholesomeness
DISLIKES
Hazards to health
Anything sordid
Sloppy workers
Squalor
Being uncertain

OK now...people who noe me...does this resemble me?
am i ...er...neat? Rather, correction, OBSESSIVELY neat?
secondly, am i a HEALTH freak? i beg to differ from the amounts of pork belly, and of cos...those in mellyland noe...my fav fav food....maggie mee...
please lo. this is sooo untrue.

ON THE OTHER HAND. Read this:

Diplomaitic and urbaneRomantic and charmingEasygoing and sociableIdealistic and peaceable
On the dark side....Indecisive and changeableGullible and easily infuencedFlirtatious and self-indulgent

Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped. There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.
They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.
Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.
Their cast of mind is artistic rather than intellectual, though they are usually too moderate and well balanced to be avant garde in any artistic endeavor. They have good perception and observation and their critical ability, with which they are able to view their own efforts as well as those of others, gives their work integrity.
In their personal relationships they show understanding of the other person's point of view, trying to resolve any differences by compromise, and are often willing to allow claims against themselves to be settled to their own disadvantage rather than spoil a relationship. They like the opposite sex to the extent of promiscuity sometimes, and may indulge in romanticism bordering on sentimentality. Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of "true minds". The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings.
The negative Libran character may show frivolity, flirtatiousness and shallowness. It can be changeable and indecisive, impatient of routine, colorlessly conventional and timid, easygoing to the point of inertia, seldom angry when circumstances demand a show of annoyance at least; and yet Librans can shock everyone around them with sudden storms of rage. Their love of pleasure may lead them into extravagance; Libran men can degenerate into reckless gamblers, and Libran women extravagant, jealous and careless about money sometimes squander their wealth and talents in their overenthusiasm for causes which they espouse. Both sexes can become great gossipers. A characteristic of the type is an insatiable curiosity that tempts them to enquire into every social scandal in their circle.
In their work the description "lazy Libra" which is sometimes given is actually more alliterative than true. Librans can be surprisingly energetic, though it is true that they dislike coarse, dirty work. Although some are modestly content, others are extremely ambitious. With their dislike of extremes they make good diplomats but perhaps poor party politicians, for they are moderate in their opinions and able to see other points of view. They can succeed as administrators, lawyers (they have a strong sense of justice, which cynics might say could handicap them in a legal career), antique dealers, civil servants and bankers, for they are trustworthy in handling other people's money. Some Librans are gifted in fashion designing or in devising new cosmetics; others may find success as artists, composers, critics, writers, interior decorators, welfare workers or valuers, and they have an ability in the management of all sorts of public entertainment. Some work philanthropically for humanity with great self-disciple and significant results. Libran financiers sometimes make good speculators, for they have the optimism and ability to recover from financial crashes.Possible Health Concerns...
Libra governs the lumbar region, lower back and kidneys. Its subjects must beware of weaknesses in the back, and lumbago, and they are susceptible to troubles in the kidneys and bladder, especially gravel and stone. They need to avoid overindulgence in food and especially drink, for the latter can particularly harm the kidneys.
LIKES
The finer things in life
Sharing
conviviality
Gentleness
DISLIKES
Violence
Injustice
Brutishness
Being a slave to fashion

PROBLEMS THAT MAY ARISE FOR YOU, AND THEIR SOLUTIONS
As with all sun signs, we all have unique traits to our personalities. When these traits are suppressed, or unrealized, problems will arise. However, with astrology we can examine the problem and assess the proper solution based on the sun sign characteristics. As a Libran you may see things below that really strike home. Try the solution, you most likely will be amazed at the results. If you find yourself on the receiving end of the negatives below, it is because you are failing to express the positive.
Problem: Finding yourself frequently trapped in situations that have no depth and little value to you or the other person.Solution: Try not to pretend feelings you do not have and find a way to back gracefully out of a superficial relationship; look before you leap.
Problem: You find that you do not really like yourself and/or beating yourself up over not being able to please another.Solution: If you learn how to please yourself without depriving others, then you will be able to please someone else.
Problem: The situations that make you ill at ease is only mildly irritating to another. Solution: Try to cultivate inner security through spiritual strength and awareness.
Problem: Feeling like you are nothing: your actions being frustrating to others.Solution: Developing your feelings of self worth by expressing the positive in your nature and not letting your elitist, class consciousness show.

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a chunky read i apologize for, but...just look at the problems bit...every single one seems to apply to me to a certain degree.
maybe your skeptical about my analysis, but think again. maybe, just maybe, becos i was born towards the later part of sept, i could have somehow adopted innate traits within me, that belongs to the librian. Think about it, if you see my point, good on you.

So...L concluded, i'm prob a Virgo-libra and that only i would come up with such a nutty solution. haha...but to throw the question back to you, please lo...your traits are as you say, true in your case...but i believe its more of what you believe and what you acknowledge.
everyone wants to believe that horoscopes show more then they themselves can comprehend...scientifically explained stuff that is.

but could it be,....maybe we over think stuff? (food for thought).
anyway, this is a very titilating topic...intriguing ^^ made me very happy to discuss it. *muackz*

so a combo between a virgo and a libra would be?
vig-ra? VIGRA?
viti-bra? VERTEBRATE?

watever la...*ponders on as minds drifts off to nonsense stuff*

"if your not the one, why does my heart tell me that you are?...
i dont want to run away, but i cant take it, i dont understand...
if i'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that i am...
cause i miss you...body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away...."

2004-12-26T21:46:00.000-08:00

grand dad passed on the 11th of dec.
i got my new phoneline on the 13th of dec.
i got a job on the 14th of dec.
uncle passed on 23rd of dec.
we had a christmas celebration at my Alfred's place on the 24th of dec.
accompanied my granny on the 25th of dec.

my life came to a standstill on 27th of dec.

"sitting by the window, all day thinking of you.
watching the days go by. i started to cry.
they werent tears of sadness, it only meant i love you.
now i tell you...

i travel around the seven seas for you...with my love symphony,
to show you there's nothing i wldnt do...

people says i'm crazy, saeing i'm a nothing.
for letting my life pass me by...
i can speak for no one, in my heart i noe you love me best.
ttz y i alwaz tell you why..."

~ seven seas -- babyface.

2004-12-26T21:42:00.000-08:00

love comes and goes.
if it stays. then its meant to be.

;_(

"monday morning, hesitant. cant get out of bed.
rather go back to the dreams of living in my head.

tuesday evening, pack my bags and heading out the door.
i left a box of memories, lying on the floor.

ride on...ride til the early morning sun...."

~too late - evermore

2004-12-19T19:19:00.000-08:00

patience and time is all i have at the moment,
even though at times you turn to me with that blank expression,
that sends a draft of emptiness through my being.

all you want is to maintain what is comfortable,
like that of floating in a lukewarm bed of water.
nothing but pleasuring and satisfying yourself.

and yet, why do i feel this fear within me,
that gnaws away and ebbs my strength bit by bit.
this isnt the feeling i want to have,
this wasnt wat i wanted to begin with.

yet, happier times were when we could spend hours,
talking over the phone about nothing at all.

maybe this relationship is on a rollercoaster ride,
bound for nowhere at present,
and thats what you want,
and maybe thats what i should strive for.

the momentum of it all,
making me sick with dizziness by its speed.

happy to be by your side at long last,
you, contented to no longer have to be alone.
dont worry about being strong,
for i'm here to help you along,
when your down and out.

but then, who would be there for me?

"saw an old friend of ours today,
she asked about you,
i didnt know quite what to say.

heard you've been making the rounds round here,
while i've been trying to make tears disappear.

now i'm almost over you,
almost should be through.
so when you come back around,
after painting the town,
you'ii see i'm almost over you."

-sheena easton "i'm almost over you".

Would you change because i'm asking for so little? Loving is meant to be a mutual agreement, hope binds us. Would you be there for me through thick and thin too?

2004-12-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

when do you know if your going in the right direction?
even with your headlights on and your radio blarring,
sometimes its hard to know.
especially when its dark and cold.
so maybe all you need is a helping hand,
to guide and to hold you.

"i can be your hero baby...you, can, take, my breath away..."
-hero.

2004-12-07T04:46:00.000-08:00

there can be no love without hatred. even if its in the tiniest form.
been having 2 hard pressed non-stop days of 10 hour-filming.
going back on sunday night at 10pm, starting work on monday morning.
sweet. life has never been better.

just made a visit to one of my dear's frens place, and its really nice.
As in, really big and spacious, better than piggy, better than tart's place.
you name it, its better.
unless its one of those dream houses, then dont even bother.

Been having this nagging fatigue at the back of my mind.
maybe its just cause i'm tired.
maybe its cause i'm confused whether the issue in context was about moving.
whether it was a guy or a girl.
whether his overly concern about other girls,
while i sit alone, chuckling to myself (not at the program) but at myself.

its kind of a lonely issue when all you wanted was some more love.
and that seems harder and harder as time goes by.
when that particular person tells you,
thats all he can offer, just because he doesnt feel like changing.

but it wasnt meant to be a change,
i rationalized in my head.
it was meant to be an effort.

seems like they are the same things after all
maybe its just me who dont see it, or dont understand it.

but it makes up for everything, decisions and thoughts alike.
confusion isnt right at this point in time.
that's not i want.
maybe being busy is the best thing to do.

be back soon.
back to civilisation in a few days.
back to true love.

i love you mom.
i really do.

"I'm not your superwoman...I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down,and think that everything is okay...Boy I am only human...This girl needs more than occasional hugsas a token of love from you to me..."

2004-12-04T06:11:00.000-08:00

men puzzle me. they really do. why can they be so frivolous and loyal at the same time? which is the right face? the one they put forward or the one we have to know through closer contact? even then, can we be sure if thats the right one?

for now, all i want is to know the one i love, tell me back and assure me bout all that. i dont want to know how he wld choose to chase someone else when he has enuff cash, or when he feels like it, esp when he feels our relationship is dry.

i dunno. its too complicated.

maybe i should have been a boy.

2004-12-04T06:02:00.000-08:00

i believe that the grass is greener on the other side,
i believe that true love is hard to come by.

i can see that all we wish for is someone better,
i can see that all we want is everything we dont have.

i hold true to heart all that i say or do for its all the truth,
i hold steadfast to the one i love just because you are you.

yet sometimes i dont feel easy and secure,
yet all i feel is a perfect love becoming grave.

Just because it should not be this way.
Just because it should be better and safe.

perfectly serene in what you exhibit and give,
perfectly snug in the comfort zone you've built around you.

Until you find an experience more to your liking,
until all that is in the present becomes nothing but the past.

please ease this painfulness that should not exist,
please let me know how much i mean to you for i deserve better.

Before its too late. Before this love starts to turn and fade.

2004-12-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

Words i hold close to heart:

"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, it is the realization of how much you already have."

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

2004-12-01T04:19:00.000-08:00

Big fools we all are, when it comes to love.
all blinded by things that are so clear to see,
where even if love is painful,
we stick up for what we believe even when its wrong.
For it is as it always was,
maybe somethings are better unquestioned,
unheard and unanswered,
as when you actually get down to it,
and discover what there should be,
you realize it was never worth it,
neither your time, effort, or love.
the person in question only wants you there,
because you were simply there at that time, in that space.

Once things get better,
be it money, vanity, career and affairs,
your a washed out dishrag,
left to dry out in the sun, wasted.

Until realization hits you,
and determination no longer eludes,
maybe things will finally get better.
Freedom can be sought for by both sides,
he can pursue what he wants,
and you can stop feeling empty.

Love which was there might finally be dealt with,
and no longer put aside with, i'm sorry, i dont want to think...

It's not you, its just me.

2004-11-30T22:30:00.000-08:00

its been awhile since i last blogged. too many things been happening around me. buzz buzz buzz. now stuck in melbourne, cant wait to haul my ass back to sunny singapore, the hot scorching sun and naggy mom. i love you all. just spent a long day with natty nat. Her "aint you my friend" to this completely new stranger, struck me that i've got to be more outwardly friendly, or people might just think that i was being stuck up (which i'm definitely not). We had bento (me unagi, and her's = beef). Piggy and tart, dont you wish you were here ? -_- although i think not.

Still remember how she would go on ENDLESSLY about pork and how toxic it was. goes all the way back to the dinner at TGIF. Hilarious. Anyway, after that, we had Max, while being surrounded by all the indos and malaysians and singaporeans, who are somebody's, someone else's, a friend's friend. When it first opened, there was NOT such a queue, and although i'm singaporean, i beg to differ. i personally HATE queues. Anyway, long day cut short, i got what i wanted ( a sharp nose plier for bout 2 bucks, while they sold the "more professional ones" for 48. - tempted to buy the 48 bucks one just for kicks).

Anyhow, been a tediously long break, where i've picked up a hobby. AN Obsession, rather. beads beads and more beads. all i think of now is, a stitch here, wire there, sparkling beads front and back. wonder whether this is a healthy thing. at the very least, it takes my mind off majority of the would-be relation-wreaking stuff. A relief in many sense.

I've just discovered, although it might not come as a surprise, i have a serious problem. A rather subtle emotional problem. Normally when i'm angry at a person, i wouldnt express it, almost to the point of suppressing it deep in my subconscious. But as things would be, they always come back and nip you hard in the butt when you least expect it. Out of no where, i would feel a blinding panic overcome me. The kind of sinking feeling, where an electric like wave would sweep over you, washing your feelings over and over again, echoing within your head, numbing your heart. My ears would have that hollowed out feeling, almost like that of a rapidly descending plane, where all it leaves you with is a gasping sigh of relief when its all over. My heart would seem to have stopped and blood draining down to my very feet. Not a good feeling at all.

I'm not too sure if i am the cause of all this, as expressing feelings might be the most efficient way to being rid of it, but somehow when i open my mouth to say it, it promptly closes, almost automatically.

Everyone has issues, and this is one that i hold close to myself, like a clam with something precious within, and i've resolved to solve these problem more promptly now without an overly explicit reaction : some people do it through punching out the wall (you know who you are), some cause bodily harm (erhem) and others, well, dont do anything. Maybe the best simplest solution is not to do anything. Dry but simple.

Anyhow, my christmas/cum/new-year resolution, WAS suppose to see Jay...but now, its merely to be more expressive. As easy as that, yet almost a feat in my eyes.

For now, all i can do is eat my Sour worms and contort my face and feelings like-wise.

2004-10-05T03:21:00.000-07:00

working hard for now.
Places which initially and normally dont require much effort.
seems funny that time spent with you can be so tediously long and dry.
Yet, these times can be the most memoriable ones.
Times which i would never forget, ever.

Others don't seem to understand that its not as clear stated in dictating one's feelings.
In fact, my attention and fickleness often do come into place.
But for now, i stand here.
Seeking what i have already found.
Finding what i already possess.
Rediscovering what i nearly lost through my own ways.

3 words for you. You know it too.

2004-09-26T02:49:00.000-07:00

david (fishmonger zhang), celine (the sultry girl w the mole), and me(du da niang)~

2004-09-26T02:46:00.001-07:00

behind the looking glass - things you dun see on stage...

2004-09-26T02:41:00.000-07:00

the cast and ccs pple!
Posted by Hello

2004-09-26T02:40:00.001-07:00

all dolled up for the big party tonite~
Posted by Hello

2004-09-26T02:40:00.000-07:00

me w my sis and penny~
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2004-09-26T02:38:00.000-07:00

me w penny and allan(zhu rou rong)~, i'm wearin my birthdae pressie...^^ vvv happy dae~
Posted by Hello

2004-09-26T02:37:00.001-07:00

me and mommiee...^^ your soOoo lovelyyy...ai si ni le!
Posted by Hello

2004-09-26T02:37:00.000-07:00

me and allan~ same colour clothes, arent we compatible?
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2004-09-26T02:24:00.000-07:00

^^ arent we a lovely bunch of girls? *allan's kinda half-half...if you get wat i mean *winks*
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2004-09-26T02:23:00.000-07:00

me n celineeee...^^ you rock gerl...
Posted by Hello

2004-09-26T02:22:00.000-07:00

me w penny and allan(zhu rou rong)~, i'm wearin my birthdae pressie...^^ vvv happy dae~
Posted by Hello

2004-09-26T02:21:00.001-07:00

sparkling cake --- weighs a ton...
Posted by Hello

2004-09-26T02:21:00.000-07:00

my birthdae ~~ love you guys. though it is a dae beforehand...
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2004-09-26T02:20:00.001-07:00

beautiful beautiful pple~
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2004-09-26T02:20:00.000-07:00

me n pat pat (my dottie)
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2004-09-26T02:19:00.000-07:00

e precaurious kiddy, moi's baby bro. - 6 and a charmer...
Posted by Hello

2004-09-26T02:17:00.000-07:00

nite of the midautumn dinner-cum-performance.
Posted by Hello